Ungrateful | Imamother

amother

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 11:07 pm

My kids (8 and younger) had 2 fun chanukah parties so far, got nice presents both nights...In general bH they have everything they need and want. I am feeling so frustrated as all I get from them are complaints. Please tell me what I am doing wrong...this is not a chanukah issue. Its all the time, its highlighted to me now and seeking some advice.

amother

Topaz

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 11:10 pm

Start asking them, "What did you like about the party?" And play up their response. "Wow, that's amazing! I'm so happy you liked the balloons! Balloons are fun and cheap, and I'm so glad we got them this year! I think we'll make this a family minhag for next year too!"

And be very boring in response to their complaints.* "Oh, too bad." "Oh, sorry to hear."

When they see that they get a much more enthusiastic response when they say something positive, they're likely to try it again.

*Note: It is important to differentiate between valid complaints and a general negativity. Everyone is allowed to have an opinion, even if it isn't complimentary.

amother

Pear

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 11:12 pm

SAME!!!!!
following for advice.
Finding my oldest (7) particularly triggering. She got a game at a party last night. Begged me to teach her to play when we got home, it was an hour past her bedtime. I told her I’ll teach her today. Didn’t realize to specify that I’ll teach her after school. She woke me in the 6 o’clock hour begging me to play with her. My sleep is precious as I work evenings. I was so upset. Guess it’s a stage and a personality. We played this afternoon plenty.
Then we lit and gave her a gift which she whined about. Said she hates latkes.
Then I hear her bragging to her friends about presents. I guess I’m finding her overall attitude pretty nauseating. We have a healthier relationship when it’s not chanuka ...

amother

Brunette

Mon, Nov 29 2021, 11:15 pm

You're not alone. It's draining. I also used to wonder what I'm doing wrong. Growing up, my siblings and I knew to say thank you. I am constantly telling my kids "did that make you happy? Guess what, when someone makes you happy you say thank you."
After 10 years, the oldest is finally catching on... And I try to make a bid deal when she does say thank you. Hope the rest will follow.

Zehava

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:22 am

Are they eating/sleeping okay? Parties combined with late schedules can pretty overstimulating to kids. Sometimes it’s hard for them to put it into words so they will whine and act out.
Try to make sure that they get some normal food in their system, a decent amount of sleep overall, and don’t worry about the rest. Don’t take it personally. Let them feel how they feel. In a couple months/years they’ll only remember the good parts.

behappy2

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 7:22 am

I think it can be taught to see the positive and express gratitude. In a good moment I can recognize that it's my responsibility to teach it and it's not my kid's responsibility to intuitively know it. I also like to do a lot of empathy teaching so I get vulnerable about how I feel in a non threatening, non blaming way. (it makes me sad after I work so hard to hear so many complaints. Sad face.)

#BestBubby

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 7:28 am

Encourage kids to say thank you.

Model Gratitude.

Thank You Hashem for beautiful sunny day.

Thank you Hashem for rain so we have food.

Thank you Hashem for healthy children.

Thank you DH fir bringing me coffee.

imasinger

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 8:01 am

If you catch me when I'm overtired and overstimulated, I'm not exactly sweetness and light either. I also can lash out where it feels safe, although the real issue is elsewhere.

Cut them a bit of a break.

You might try getting into the habit of sharing one good thing and one bad thing about their day at bedtime. This lets them know they have permission to share good and bad, sometimes gives you a more accurate awareness of the real problem when there is one, and balances the picture for all.

MitzadSheini

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 8:10 am

Remember that you are teaching a child gratitude for the CHILD's benefit. Not for yours. So you are not looking to make the child stop whining so you will have a more pleasant day. Your job is to teach the child to appreciate things so that they can live a happier and more successful life. And ultimately, so that they will feel and express gratitude/kavod to HaShem, because this is the ultimate goal and purpose of the entire universe.

#BestBubby

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:00 am

amother [ Impatiens ] wrote:

Kids aren’t ungrateful. They’re just disappointed and working through it. Forced gratitude is toxic.

Kids have to be taught social skills like not hurting people's feelings by saying you dont like their gift.

Kids used to be taught "its the thought that counts"

amother

Lavender

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:06 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Kids have to be taught social skills like not hurting people's feelings by saying you dont like their gift.

Kids used to be taught "its the thought that counts"

It makes you wonder why we used to make children ignore their own feelings in order to protect adult’s feelings. It’s really backwards. Adults should be more mature and understand that children aren’t fully developed. And they should not expect children to be able to overcome things they still can’t do as an adult. It really makes no sense.

taketwo

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:11 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Kids have to be taught social skills like not hurting people's feelings by saying you dont like their gift.

Kids used to be taught "its the thought that counts"

You can teach social skills without invalidating their feelings. Their feelings tell them it's not the thought that counts.

Tell them quietly "I hear you are disappointed/sad/frustrated, we will talk more about it later, right now let's be polite and say thank you to xyz."

That's only when it comes to others not the parents.

When it comes to the parents, pick your battles. Don't harp on not getting your thanks. Give to give, not to get. And at separate times, like you said earlier, model appreciation.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:15 am

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

What socially normal adult makes faces, whines, kvetches, or otherwise make it obvious they do not like a gift they receive?

I don't think we should expect perfection from children but the least we could do is try to teach them.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:19 am

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

Do you not see the posts here with parents tantruming that they will never give their kids anything ever again because the kid was disappointed? How is it ok for an adult to flip out like that but expect a child to keep their feelings in check? Sure we model and teach but some people need a reality check.

amother

Sienna

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:29 am

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

I agree that some posts are disturbing but I will not support decreasing my expectations to the lowest common denominator for myself and my family. And I don't think it is a good idea to make this acceptable across the board as "normal". It's not. It's ok to have some expectations of children. They are not incapable of thinking, feeling and understanding. 100%- not the same as adults. But let's not excuse every behavior because they are kids.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 11:36 am

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

I’m not doing any of that. Back to what I originally said, don’t expect your child to overcome things you yourself can’t as an adult. And I said it in a specific context where people do expect children to be more emotionally mature than adults.

amother

Violet

Tue, Nov 30 2021, 12:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm not saying it as good parenting, I'm just sharing what I tell them. I tell them that if I wanted to ruin their night then I wouldn't have gone out of my way to take them to a party. And if I wanted to make them cry then I wouldn't have gone to a store to pick out a nice present. I tell them that the message they are giving me is that going to parties and giving gifts is a punishment to them.

I say it because I am immature because if I was mature then I would sympathize and then I would ask them if there's any part that went right. And I would try to incorporate gratitude into their consciousness.

Speaking of which, this afternoon I brought some neighbors with us to a really nice park. It was annoying and stressful but I did it as a special Chanuka treat. I got three thank yous. One from the other kids and the third was from their mom. No thanks from my kids.