WWYD about going to acquaintances vort?

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:18 pm

Op, you don’t have to excuse yourself.
In shidduchim, your future and the Shidduch is at stake and if the shadchan isn’t good, it can all fall apart.
I’ve been humble enough to pass over my ideas to shadchanim who I thought would be better at navigating the two parties.
You needed to do what would work for you. Don’t excuse yourself for even one minute.
Also, you spent plenty on shadchanus. I made a few shidduchim, some of them I got a simple gift and I was completely fine. I was happy to have been part of making a Shidduch happen.

amother

Lotus

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

cant remember how much the go between got paid, we paid in shekels as we dated in e"y...
yes we have sefardi dayanim, two of my BILs are dayanim

I went to the vort popped in and out said mazal tov
she kept making comments about how yeshivish I looked and how old I looked I thought it was weird but whatever.

thanks everyone for the chizuk.
thank you to those that responded in kind
and to those that were quite snarky and bitter (you know who you are) I hope u never act that way in person and certainly dont behave like that when you set people up.

hatzlacha to all and iyh only simchas!

It's really nice that you went especially because it was hard for you.

ohmygosh

Sun, Jan 09 2022, 11:45 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Honestly she doesn't sound like such a nice person.

I think you went way above and beyond by going. You sound like a really amazing person.

Ignore the haters and continue being the good person you sound like you are.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 12:08 am

Just read through this thread.
Funny thing is, everyone is agreeing except for one poster who keeps arguing with everyone.
It’s really throwing people off because it looks like it’s a “thing” to demand 2,000$ shadchanus.
Really it’s only one poster and everyone else is arguing against her.

ohmygosh

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 12:11 am

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

It was 2 posters.

Amother natural and amother ballota.

amother

Hawthorn

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 12:15 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

ive been on this website about 2 years now and im realizing that alot of women are just cruel and mean and take out their anger on others.. mean people hide being amother what can I say.... it truly makes me wonder what their husbands are like and if they're as selfish

I'm newer here. And I'm also seeing a lot of cruel and mean comments. I think the key words here are taking out their anger on others. I think people think because I'm anonymous I can say whatever I think. They're not thinking about the very real person with very real feelings (and often a struggle that she's asking about) on the other side of the other amother.

salt

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 1:32 am

Wow, haven't read all 8 pages!
Did she invite you to the vort? If she did, then things didn't end as badly as you made out. She is still fond of you.
Go to her vort, and give her a big gift for her wedding - that way you are making up for her feeling hard done by at the time of your shidduch.
OK, you got daas torah, but you can still try and make her feel good.
Maybe ask the same rav if you should go to the vort?

ImmaBubby

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 3:43 am

salt wrote:

Hate to make this drag on....
I personally am impressed that you went out of your way to go to the vort. BTW, mazal Tov on the clear covid test.
I think that your mere presence, especially after a “shlep” was very special and it showed you acknowledged the chessed she did for you.
I don’t think you should overextend yourself for a wedding present in the name of “making it up”. It’s DONE. You weren’t wrong the first time. Giving an overly generous gift if you can’t afford it will only negate the daas Torah you accepted years ago. There was no clause about a “payment plan”.
Must everything boil down to $?
Several decades ago, my husband and I were totally new to this new world of shadchanus. We have a cash gift which was I guess generous for what WE could afford (parents paid for the wedding but we were on our own for this). We were mechabed the shadchan with some kibud at our wedding, and then when we married off our youngest a few years ago, BH he got Bracha acharita- and we all knew why.
And we should all live HAPPILY ever after.

Reality

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 4:18 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I just finished reading this insane thread!

OP, you did nothing wrong. This "friend" sounds completely socially off. She obviously hasn't changed in the past few years if all she could say to you at her vort was how old you look!

It is such bad middos to complain about the amount of money you got as a gift. Shadchanus money is a gift, unless you hire a professional shadchan. People give gifts according to their means. The end. Please don't feel pressured to give her a very expensive wedding gift. This is a woman who does not appreciate a nice gift when she gets one. If you do give her a wedding gift, give what you can afford. And if I was you, I'd stay far away from her in the future. She has a toxic negative eye. Who needs someone like that in your life?

watergirl

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 7:53 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Huh? My husbands rosh yeshiva didnt feel comfortable with a single girl being a go between and ive had friends set me up before. It gets messy when they dont know subtleties of things to say things not to say, things to pass onto the other side.

We had a professional shadchan who had to speak to my in laws, my parents, explain the shidduch system... my family is not frum at all im the oldest they didnt understand anything about the process...

I dont think I need to defend myself to rude anonymous posters

OP, I am so sorry you got such a hard time from those few people. I think it's clear from the number of likes this post of yours got that most of the people here understand what you are saying and agree with you. As for that friend of yours, I think it's clear that she is missing something based on her comments to you at her own vort. Move on.

imasinger

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 8:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You really have gone above and beyond. And what happened last night just increases the evidence that this young woman has some issues.

Tizku lmitzvos!

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 8:46 am

Whoa!

Did not read full but skimmed after first page.

The person who thinks of shidduch but has no other involvement gets exactly what you gave. It was actually generous.

And she knew you were poor and a BT... the one who spends hours and weeks making it happen gets the rest. AND your DH side gave as well! Really now...!

I made a shidduch like this once and got nothing from either side and did not even think twice!

(They are married for over thirty years, I hope happily as they were just acquaintances at the time and I did not keep in touch. HKB”H wanted me to suggest it so I had that zchus.)

It sounds like this woman was given the zchus of suggesting your match. That gave her zchusim in Shamaykm and that is wonderful. Full stop.

Yes there is inyan to give all involved (I personally did not care nor ever thought about it and def never, nor will ever, hold grudge, but some do)... So you gave.

The fact you gave her what was so hard for you AND your DH side gave as well... And then she “wanted” more...uuum, excuse me?

You went according to daas Torah. Full stop.

At least she had the decency to apologize later on (indicating she realized her wrong). The fact you invited her to meals show YOUR grace.

Now she is engaged and you have very little to do with her.

But you went, and its good you did as there is some social issue here. Or maybe just with this case. Im basing it on the demand for more money and her odd comments now at the vort. Whatever. Im assuming she is an overall good person and now she has no ‘taynis’ on you.

And if you are invited to wedding, go, wish her mazal tov. And move on. And IY”H all will have wonderful lives.

You did each step correctly and it is very impressive.

End of drama.

ImmaBubby

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 8:47 am

I have never followed a thread for this long...
OP-
Making a shidduch is a huge zechus. Imagine calculating all of the mitzvos that the couple will be mekayem, l’dorei doros, IyH because of one good idea. Your friend really won the lottery.
And maybe she needed this zechus to find her bashert, however many years later. It’s hard to deal with negativity in any situation but I think that if you reframe it that you did her as much of a favor as she did for you - even if she is clearly not communicating gratitude on any level, just chalk it up to social awkwardness and walk away feeling badly for someone who has the need to put someone down at the happiest time of her life.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 9:33 am

ohmygosh wrote:

It was 2 posters.

Amother natural and amother ballota.

Ok. 2 against, 8 pages for the op.
We were just all going in circles when really we are all agreeing that op is right.
People are just getting the wrong idea and thinking that shadchanim “demand” 2,000$.
It was only amother natural who said that no one ever gives less, and it’s unheard of in her world.
She did say she’s MO so maybe that’s the price in her MO world.
I wouldn’t know, like I said, I’m not in her world. In my very nice world, you give what you can afford, no pressure

amother

Topaz

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 10:18 am

Two cents here for what it’s worth. Op you sound like an upstanding yashrus doing type of person. You did the right thing by going. Her comments were off (unless she meant them as a compliment🤢) which kind off goes with the narrative of your op…
I personally bend over backwards for my Shadchan - to show my never ending hakaras hatov for the life I have - of which she was the shaliach of Hashem .
Your payment - and it is payment - not a gift when it comes to shadchanus was an appropriate amount - regardless of your BT or poor status.
Ignore all the haters - wondering if they went back to their shadchanim and updated their payments as their financial standing improved?

jewishmom6

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 10:32 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

wow, I am in awe that you actually went. kol hakavod!

I am literally in shock at the nasty comments on this thread! I can't.

sorry this person sounds like a witch.
I feel so bad for you that she was so mean for NO reason at all.
She sounds pretty negative and selfish.

amother

Skyblue

Mon, Jan 10 2022, 10:53 am

amother [ Natural ] wrote:

That's fine for THEN but you are still NOW responsible for the full amount. On no planet is $500 ok and I'm fully MO liberal. As a matchmaker, I will tell you that $2k is the bare minimum in all circles.

The shadchan is the one who thinks of and mentions the idea. Period. The "go betweens" are merely helpers. And no, don't go quoting daas torah and mentioning you are a BT. Both point irrelevant. .
And the fact that you mentioned she was single st the time is disrespectful. She was your matchmaker.

As far as an engagement party- if you are able to go, go.

Are you a rav?
If so why are you on imamother?
I don’t have time to read all the replies, I hope someone already said this.
We spoke to a Rav about this exact situation and were told the person who gets the shadchan money is the person who carried it through. We were told we owe nothing to the person who suggested it but to be nice and keep away from arguments we can give that person something. We gave a lot more to the shadchan who carried it through than to the person who suggested the idea.
There could be other rabbis who say different but you’re wrong saying the shadchan is the one who suggested it as if that’s the only right answer. In our case and in op’s case it wasn’t that way.