My kid didn't get any shalach manos

amother

Plum

Thu, Mar 17 2022, 10:58 pm

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

Sure it is. But it’s literally misses the point of the day. It’s not Halloween. To me this attitude is what’s wrong with the entire day. It’s not about how much candy we collect. I feel bad for kids who live in a community where the point of the mitzvah has gotten lost

To me it seems he was maybe sad about his friends not thinking enough of him to stop by, not necessarily the amount of candy (although it's also normal for kids to want the candy!)

amother

Junglegreen

Thu, Mar 17 2022, 11:29 pm

OP, I feel so sad for you and DS. It's a horrible feeling waiting all day for a friend to come.

A few years ago, I saw a post on the community google group. A mother had planned her kids birthday party and NO ONE had shown up. She asked if there were any mothers and kids that could stop by to celebrate just so her kid wouldn't feel so hurt.

I was so impressed; it seemed like a handful of mothers dragged their kids out (some even were able to wrap presents quickly and bring them over) and all had a good time. And the poor child didn't feel like a complete loser.

I wonder if something like this happens again if it would be worthwhile to reach out to a few parents of your son's friends and mention what happened. People want to do good and if they know about your son sitting around and getting nothing I think they will try harder.

I also remember that one year when my son was in elementary school, I was worried he wouldn't get any. He was a little different (emotionally, socially, academically) from the other boys in his class. I actually asked his Rebbe to please send a note home and ask the boys to try to include boys that they wouldn't normally think to give to. He did that. On Purim day, the doorbell was ringing nonstop and my son got more than he could have imagined. No names were used when the Rebbe sent this note, but it just reminded boys and their parents to think outside the box a little.

lylac

Thu, Mar 17 2022, 11:30 pm

One thing I have done evey year is to get my kids to think of a kid or 2 in the class or neighborhood that doesn't have too many friends, and we specifically drive to them to give mm. I tell my kids how much it'll mean to those kids to receive it, who don't have half the class coming over. I hope this is a life lesson for them. And in a way, this can be a "matanos levyonim" on their scale.

amother

Snow

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 1:21 am

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

This thread is heartbreaking. Why isn’t there mass effort to cancel these kids MM?
A bunch of wasted money for some and heartbreak for others.

#cancelmmforkids

the money wasted is heartbreaking… but the kids feelings are more heartbreaking
DD who is pretty well liked still has 5 special mm’s leftover
Other DD has almost all of hers (which I anticipated as she really isn’t very social)
Ds only had ONE classmate come over. He gave his special mm’s to neighbors close in age but he still has a few left
Me… I’m big but I still feel sad that I have so many leftovers 😖 .
I made 40 because there were a lot of teachers and neighbors but I have 11 left. I think I usually give another 5 people but they didn’t come this year.. and I figured it’s better to have more than less so I made a little extra than I needed… but I’m so upset with the waste and a little disappointed that I’m really not on a lot of peoples list.
I think it could be very nice when friends go out if their way to bring something over but it’s really sad that some people feel lonely at the end of the day.

amother

Salmon

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 1:50 am

amother [ Snow ] wrote:

I didn’t say the money wasted is heartbreaking, sorry if I wasn’t clear.
I said it’s wasted money for some people (those who give many, and heartbreaking for others (who get none).

It’s a wonderful idea to give one or two to kids who are less popular. I think I will try to do that with my kids from now on.

amother

Blue

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 1:55 am

No one came to my kids this year. Not one.
We gave out in school before Purim because that way my kids could give their friends who live very far from us but there is a rule that if you give 1 you give the whole class. And that way we dont miss anyone. (In the past I let them pick 4 friends and we went there). But not everyone did it in school. Usually we get 1 or 2 who stop by. And come on, NO ONE came? For either of my kids?!?

We also had almost no deliveries to us either. We brought to people.
I dont want the stuff specifically and I enjoy giving to people who dont always get in addition to friends etc.

But it was just weird. Like someone we gave to handed back an obviously thrown together random MM. When they had others behind them in their car/home. (Say they have a whole family theme with matching MM and gave us a random paper bag with a mini orange and 2 lollipops). Why make me feel bad that you didn't think of us? I always have a few to give out just in case I forget someone and they deliver to us.

Again, it isnt that I want the grape juice and candy. We dont need it.
It does make me question if people are really as close to us as we thought. I know MM=/= friendship but it still hurts. If you totally forgot me then lie and say your husband took them all out in the car accidentally. Makes it easier to swallow.

amother

Milk

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 1:56 am

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

This thread is heartbreaking. Why isn’t there mass effort to cancel these kids MM?
A bunch of wasted money for some and heartbreak for others.

#cancelmmforkids

Am I misunderstanding or are you suggesting we cancel mishloach manos for kids? Last I checked it's one of the mitzvos hayom...

amother

Milk

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 1:58 am

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

I’m not being harsh towards the child. I’m harsh on society/community that turn this day into a popularity contest. It doesn’t t have to be that way. Shaloch monos doesn’t equal love (or friendship or care or anything) and same for not getting. I’m not blaming the kid for his feelings, they don’t exist in a vacuum. I’m blaming everyone around him who is sending him these messages

Actually yes, the mitzvah of mishloach manos was established to increase friendship and care. That's the point.

amother

Snow

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 2:01 am

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

We actually almost did that this year. My daughter wanted to bring mm’s to a very unpopular girl. This girl is lacking social skills and has come over uninvited and wouldn’t leave even if we explained to her after a while that we needed to eat/ do homework/ shower etc- she would respond “I’ll wait”. According to dd people stay away from this girl and she doesn’t have friends. We drove to her house and dd was about to go out of the car. Suddenly she realized that it might look like she wanted to be her friend and dd was worried that by giving her mm’s, this girl would now think it’s okay to come over all the time. We drove away without giving 😐

amother

Hotpink

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 4:58 am

amother [ Snow ] wrote:

Did you and your kids stay home all day waiting for people to come to you? Sorry, not sure what you mean by leftovers.

amother

Hotpink

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 5:06 am

Hi OP

Maybe an idea for next year, we get in the car (or sometimes walk) and call people before we go to check they're home or where they're up to so we can meet either at their house or a random road, and the kids can see each others costumes etc.

Purim is hectic for everyone remember and its inevitable that people miss each other, everyone is running around doing the same.
Or maybe they are at home waiting, same as the others at home waiting.

We've found communication is key.

Hope that helps.

Good shabbos Smile

Mayflower

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 5:31 am

In my kids' schools every child gets two names of kids in the class who they are supposed to give MM to, so that everyone gets at least two. The idea is that one shouldn't give more than that, so that there isn't any pressure / bad feelings. But of course kids always end up giving more than those two and kids do compare.
Still, it's a good start - no one is completely left out.

As for the adults, I noticed the last few years a lot of people around us started down scaling, giving both smaller and less mishloach manos. I'm personally very happy about it and also started giving less. It's not that I don't care about the other people, it's just that as our families grow kah, we are so busy with the children's mishloach manos and going to the morot and rebbes, we just don't have so much time... So now we mainly give to neighbors and a few friends who live close by. I try to give at least one or two to people who might not receive many.. I make a few extra in case people stop by, and that's it.

amother

Bottlebrush

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 7:11 am

amother [ Snow ] wrote:

I wound have had her leave one at the door with the girls name but not who it’s from. At least this way she ends up with something.

amother

Snow

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 8:54 am

amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:

I wound have had her leave one at the door with the girls name but not who it’s from. At least this way she ends up with something.

When we drove to the block we were able to see the girl standing outside with her siblings. The front door was open and it looked like a busy house on Purim with people coming and going. It wouldn’t have been comfortable for my daughter to go out of the car. She certainly would have been noticed.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:13 am

amother [ Snow ] wrote:

I’m sorry, but that was a pretty terrible thing to do. You taught your daughter a horrible lesson. I’m sorry for being harsh but I have no words. You made a mistake, please fix it.

amother

Daffodil

Fri, Mar 18 2022, 9:21 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I’m sorry, but that was a pretty terrible thing to do. You taught your daughter a horrible lesson. I’m sorry for being harsh but I have no words. You made a mistake, please fix it.

I disagree. Her daughter didn’t feel comfortable doing the chessed - it pushed her boundaries too much. Kudos to this mom for respecting that.