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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Brickred

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 12:05 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

He does sometimes get bullied. He is slow on picking up social cues. He is a bit quirky. He tends to be more rigid and black and white. Will tolerate uncomfortable situations and not speak up to try and change them or ask for help. Has a mental block against test taking so will leave questions blank even when he knows the answer. Has a hard time opening up when he is upset (he’s gotten in trouble for this in the past, I’ve been teaching him to say that he needs his space and will talk when he has had a chance to calm down.)

Sounds really bad and rough for a school.

But he is not a rule breaker. Not chutzpadik. He is very kind hearted. He has a great memory and learns well. He used to have anger issues and really has worked on himself to stay calm. He wants to learn and improve. Wants to do the right thing. Will listen to advice and try to implement it. Has been doing a lot of things that are very hard for him without complaint.

Will he be a model student? Probably not. But I don’t think he’ll be the liability they are probably imagining.

The things I think his current hanhala may be upset about are usually related to him being bullied and not wanting to tell hanhala about it, so it makes him look very bad. He doesn’t want me to tell them either.

There are many schools that cater to out of the box kids like mine. But they are all for kids at risk. And my son is very much not at risk and would be very uncomfortable in that setting. It is heartbreaking that he would need to drop his Chassidishkeit to have a school that is happy to accept him.

Unfortunately regular schools will not accept him.
You are right, that the only schools who will are for teens at risk. I am having the same issue now with my child.
Chovevei will not work with you in this area. Arizona is not catered for that either. Check out the new yeshiva in CT or Pomona for starters.

amother

Chambray

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 12:23 pm

Chovevei accepts quite a few boys that are "different."
My son this age has friends who have much worse issues and they were all accepted into regular mesivtas.
Shiur Alef mesivta is expected to be immature.

OP I wonder how you are presenting your son to the menahels. Are you emphasizing his issues over his strengths and talents?
I have a few sons mesivta age and older.

amother

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 12:30 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

Chovevei accepts quite a few boys that are "different."
My son this age had friends who have much worse issues and they were all accepted into regular mesivtas.
Shiur Alef mesivta is expected to be immature.

OP I wonder how you are presenting your son to the menahels. Are you emphasizing his issues over his strengths and talents?
I have a few sons mesivta age and older.

My concern in Chovevei is if the group will be Chassidish enough that my son will feel happy and not different. He doesn't want to be "the Chassidish kid," just wants to be one of the group. He isn't into clothes, games, music, or sports. I really don't know enough about it or the kids that go there.

They all ask if the boys have social or emotional issues. I try to answer honestly both about that and about his strengths. Maybe I'm being too honest? I don't know. I don't want to lie to them, I want them to accept him for who he is and not feel tricked that he is somewhat atypical.

Some of it is immaturity, and I think some of it is personality.

(Also remembered that he will usually watch from the sidelines for a while before joining into a new activity. That also makes him look "weird.")

I don't know what the hanhala of the place he is in now is saying about him either.

amother

Chambray

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 12:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I understand about not wanting to be the frummy. My son in chovevei is one of the more chassidishe ones and also has social awkwardness. Also not into games, music, sports, etc.
Because it's a community school, they have different types of boys but not at-risk. There are many good frum boys there though. The ones that go to English are typically more modern and separate from the others.
I happen to prefer a mix of boys because I don't do the exclusiveness thing.
Anyway I think you don't have to be so specific about your son's weaknesses. Every boy has them and they're age appropriate.

If you want an exclusive yeshiva, I'd go for the Viglers' new one in Pomona.

ETA: I havent heard you mention Westchester. That's where the good learner black and white kids who dont play sports can be found

amother

Bisque

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:14 pm

I don’t understand why said monsey isn’t good for him? Seems like a perfect fit from everything you’ve described about your son

amother

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:27 pm

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

I don’t understand why said monsey isn’t good for him? Seems like a perfect fit from everything you’ve described about your son

I was told that the boys that go there tend to be more on the "cool" side and socially savvy. My son is decidedly NOT cool or socially savvy.

With all of this I am going on third-hand information, which I hope is accurate.

I'm told I was supposed to apply to every single school that MIGHT work which is financially impossible (each school has a $100-$200 application fee) and extremely time-consuming, plus it means applying to schools that would never be a good fit for my son anyhow.

amother

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:34 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

I did apply to Pomona. Radio silence. Other schools did not give a (negative) response until pushed to the wall.

I understand that Westchester is extremely in-the-box, not much personal attention, focus on the academics and less on the midos. It works for my friend's son, but I'd be afraid it wouldn't work for mine. I could be wrong, who knows...

I as a mother have no problem with the mix, but my son was in a "mixed" school this year and was unhappy.

amother

Mauve

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:50 pm

Waterbury?
I know a very nice boy, now married so funny to say "boy", more like young man, who went there a few years ago. Sounds in many ways similar to the way you describe your son. Though admittedly I didn't send there and not updated as this young man went there a few years ago.

Window

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 1:58 pm

I don’t think it’s right to label an entire yeshiva. When doing research, find out about that class. Who’s going? Are they chassidish kids?
Yeshivas change so quickly. A top chassidish yeshiva can become really modern in a few years. It really all depends on the bochurim.

amother

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 2:03 pm

Window wrote:

That's true, but certain schools do tend to attract certain types.

Any suggestions on how to do the research? All I can do is speak to someone who has/had a son there, and obviously that is limited.

amother

Brickred

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 2:06 pm

What grade chovevei? First or second year?
The boys who go to kodesh are mostly frum boys.
As another mother posted, the more modern/chilled boys go to English. There are 2 classes per grade.

My oldest son had a great experience there. Really matured and learned a lot. He and his friends are all chassidish.

amother

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 2:10 pm

amother [ Brickred ] wrote:

This would be Shiur Alef. Are there a lot of out-of-town boys there?

amother

Chambray

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 4:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That's true, but certain schools do tend to attract certain types.

Any suggestions on how to do the research? All I can do is speak to someone who has/had a son there, and obviously that is limited.

They attract certain types, yes. But I hear through the grapevine though that even the "top" yeshivas have boys hiding smartphones and such going on in the dorm.
Chovevei has had many good boys over the years. I used to look at my sons' fantastic counselors in overnight camp to see which yeshivas they come from and so many were from chovevei.

What do you mean there was radio silence from pomona? They never got back to you or you couldnt get through?

amother

Chambray

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 4:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This would be Shiur Alef. Are there a lot of out-of-town boys there?

There are not a lot of out of towners but there are a handful that live in the NY area out of CH and stay in the dorm.

amother

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 4:28 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

I know that no school is perfect, but my son specifically requested a Yeshiva where he will not feel different for being Chassidish. He turned down the school (out of the country) he had been talking about for years when he heard that the group there was not Chassidish. So I have to take his preference into strong account.

Pomona never got back to us. I applied about 2 weeks ago and haven't heard anything.

It took over a month for another Mesivta to send us their rejection letter, and that was only after Rabbi Barber called them.

amother

Lightblue

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 5:10 pm

Have you tried both mesivtas in Toronto?

amother

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 6:05 pm

amother [ Lightblue ] wrote:

Have you tried both mesivtas in Toronto?

I did not. I only know about one, but heard that it’s very Chassidish, very exclusive, and impossible to get into. Was my information incorrect? What is the other Mesivta?

amother

Gladiolus

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 6:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I did not. I only know about one, but heard that it’s very Chassidish, very exclusive, and impossible to get into. Was my information incorrect? What is the other Mesivta?

Ohr Temimim. I know some Chassidish boys with learning issues that went there. It's a mix depending on the year. Great staff

amother

Chambray

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 7:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If it's been 2 weeks since you applied to pomona, I think that deserves a phone call. Can you find the Viglers contact info?

amother

Wed, Jun 22 2022, 7:20 pm

amother [ Chambray ] wrote:

If it's been 2 weeks since you applied to pomona, I think that deserves a phone call. Can you find the Viglers contact info?

I have Rabbi Vigler's contact. Is he the one to ask/nudge?

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