I’m at my wits end… homesick DD

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amother

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:25 pm

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

First of all, b'shaah tovah. I can relate. I went through a period at the same age when I did not want to be away from my mother who unbeknownst to me was (lehavdil) having health problems. I must have known that she was not herself. I refused to go to day camp and even walked home from school at lunchtime to find her. Fortunately, yours is for a happy reason but she may be sensing that things will be changing at home (for the better!). Despite the fact that you are probably super busy and finding it hard to focus on her now, is there any chance the two of you could go have pizza or lunch together? You could emphasize how super proud of her you are and how you are looking forward to her being a big sister and to watch her teach the new baby wonderful things. You can tell her realistically that the first few months are going to be a little tough in case she doesn't remember from the last child and that you will need her to be extra patient. After the baby is born maybe your dh or a grandparent can take her to pick out a baby gift and maybe she can make a scrapbook or welcome home signs for you and the baby. If it's possible to ask a favorite aunt to look out for her that would be great and maybe you and the baby could "send" the other kids a special shabbos party or treat while you are away. If she needs to stay with family while you are a kimpeturin, can you have her help pack so you can discuss any concerns she has and sneak in a card or little surprise for when she opens it? Also, if you are able, would probably help to call from the hospital. Hopefully, this will resolve as she gets older and more confident. Good luck.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a beautiful message. I’m definitely focusing on spending more time with her now. She’s an only child. This will be her first sibling besides a step sister.

When I posted for help I thought people will suggest energy healing or some type of therapy etc. She has been for a lot of therapy to help her through the divorce.

Unfortunately, her father is not a reliable option. He’s not in a good place and isn’t really showing up for her.

amother

Petunia

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:25 pm

amother [ Bone ] wrote:

Taking a break and sending your daughter a way is two different things …

You make it seem like is the worst crime to send a 10 year old away for a night.
I really don't believe all of you saying that you've never gone away without your children.

amother

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:26 pm

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

You make it seem like is the worst crime to send a 10 year old away for a night.
I really don't believe all of you saying that you've never gone away without your children.

Thank you for the validation. It’s so hard to juggle a new marriage and our precious children. She’s my everything. And no matter what I do she’s so angry and anxious.

amother

Lightcyan

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you everyone for chiming in.

Wow. I wasn’t expecting to be judged this hard.

I think it’s a normal thing to sometimes need to get away.

We are a second marriage. Her father was supposed to take her for shabbos but canceled. We made our plans based on that. She’s not homesick when she’s with him.

My mental health is very delicate and I need time to take care of myself etc. also, she is a very challenging, needy child (no complaints) and that makes it even more important for me to take breaks.

Are you all so perfect and avail to be around your kids 24/7 without needed a break? Wow.

It’s not that we are judging you. We are protective of her.

She has an absentee and unreliable father who doesn’t seem to want her. She has a mother who is in love with someone new and a lot of her emotional energy is tied up in making this new marriage work. And this one person who’s a constant in her life is expecting her first sibling, which she might feel is her replacement.

Of course we feel for your daughter! It’s the most normal thing to be homesick and needy and clingy. The more you want her to sleep somewhere else, the clingier she will get. It would actually be alarming if she wanted to be away from you!

It’s a phase, OP. As delicate as your mental health may be, remember that this is her formative years and she needs you the most. It’s not easy, of course you want to have some time alone with your new husband, but now isn’t the time.

amother

Hyssop

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:34 pm

Two of my kids went to their grandmother last night for a sleepover. They’re under 4. They loved it. (We live in the same city and see each other all the time and they’re used to her and her house).
Just in response to those saying it’s bad to leave your kids… it’s not so black and white.

amother

Maize

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:44 pm

amother [ Bone ] wrote:

Taking a break and sending your daughter a way is two different things …

This. My husband and I each hope to get away on our own for a few days. Wouldn’t do more than overnight together, for that we pay someone they know really well to move in.

After a baby in our fam they stay home with husband and cousins/ neighbors help on the afternoon with play dates etc.

amother

Maize

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:45 pm

amother [ Hyssop ] wrote:

This is very different. Mainly- the kids want to go!

amother

Hunter

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:46 pm

amother [ Hyssop ] wrote:

No one is saying it's bad to leave kids. People are saying it's understandable when kids don't want to be left. And in that case, there needs to be a really compelling reason to leave them.

amother

IndianRed

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:46 pm

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

You make it seem like is the worst crime to send a 10 year old away for a night.
I really don't believe all of you saying that you've never gone away without your children.

Never did the the youngest was a teen

amother

DarkOrange

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:52 pm

9.5 is a very awkard age to h
go away. A young kids not as shy as an older child to state her needs. Also in my circles people go away for every occasion. kids get farmed out. She is not ready so I would only do it if absolutely necessary for short period of time . When you j
have a baby let her stay by somone the whole day including supper and let her sleep at home.
There are so many reasons shes homesick maybe their house is to cold/hot at night or the noises of the house at night sound svary maybe they dont like the diffrent foods. Expose your daughter in a secure way to diffrent people and taste. If you go on vacation because you need to thats fine. but dont take advantage and go on every business trip with tour husband . she should stay together with a sibling. It will help with homesick. Send her to somone like a grandmother or relative that she had there food already used to their house. Doesnt havr to be for always this way but send her with watever makes her feel comfortable. Her soft blanket. food from home. A mp3 player, or book, game she could play with when she feels board, like an outsider. A game to play with the other kids in the house. so she could share some of her own.

amother

Hyssop

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:53 pm

amother [ Maize ] wrote:

This is very different. Mainly- the kids want to go!

I was saying it in response to those saying they’ve never left their kids.

amother

Begonia

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 10:08 pm

amother [ Hyssop ] wrote:

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s bad to leave your kids. People seem to be saying it’s bad to leave your kids if they are not comfortable being left.

amother

Begonia

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 10:12 pm

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

You make it seem like is the worst crime to send a 10 year old away for a night.
I really don't believe all of you saying that you've never gone away without your children.

Growing up my parents never left me and my siblings to go away overnight. We had babysitters come to the house for simchas, PTA or when my mother was having a baby. Otherwise they were home with us. It was only once we were teens and could take care of ourselves and each other that they started travelling together.

Also, a key difference is being sent away vs having someone the kids trust come to the house.

salt

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 1:53 am

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

This is quite judgmental. Sometimes parents have to go away. And it's healthy for a child to go away once in a while.

I don't think that's true.

It could be considered healthy if the child wants it and seems to thrive from it.

And sometimes it may be necessary, but even if you have to send you child to sleepover elsewhere for whatever reason, if they don't like it, don't kid yourself into thinking you're doing it for their own good.

theoneandonly

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 2:33 am

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

You make it seem like is the worst crime to send a 10 year old away for a night.
I really don't believe all of you saying that you've never gone away without your children.

Married over a decade, never went away without my kids. I'm not sure why that's a prerequisite for mental health.

amother

Cyclamen

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 2:51 am

Usually a child senses the parents separation anxiety. Ask any Morah....main thing is don't feed her anxiety.
Your stomach hurts you? Oy shefele. No ideas please. Again I'm not saying you're at fault but I have seen parents doing it.

watergirl

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 10:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If I have a simcha…

Dh and I went away this week shabbos for a small vacation and she was miserable.

I’m due in a few weeks iyh and I don’t know how she’ll handle being away while I recover.

Second marriage mama here. I read this, and then I read this:

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I am not in any way a perfect mother. I do disagree with the premise that a child needs to be sent away when a baby is born, and in a second marriage, I disagree even more with this practice. Your daughter will benefit much more by being there that week, not by being sent away. I remember when my husband's ex wife had a baby and she would not allow their son (who lived with us) to come and visit her right away, and my husband had to beg her to allow him to come that shabbos to be with the rest of the family and siblings. He was really very hurt, and he was 14!!

I'm not perfect. But I mean it when I say, in 16 years, the only night my husband and I were EVER alone was our wedding night, and we had to be back by 10:00 the next morning because my mother, who was with my child, insisted. Second marriages, blended families... we don't have the same luxuries other kinds of families have. We have to be very sensitive and extra caring with our children and yes, their mental health comes before ours. You get your break when she goes to her father. Sending away a child who does not want to go... please think long and hard before you do this.

tichellady

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 11:05 am

She’s probably picking up on the fact that she’s not going to be an only child any more. It’s a huge change for her. She is entitled to have big feelings. You are entitled to do what you need to do for you. But keep in mind that she is probably going through a lot emotionally

amother

Maize

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 11:37 am

watergirl wrote:

The next piece here is that even if it feels unfair, it’s going to be hard either way. It’s hard if she’s home, and it’s hard if you send her away to deal with the fallout because either way the responsibility falls on you. So weighing the pros and cons and thinking through the options ahead of time so that you know you tried your hardest.

(I realize it’s not necessarily so simple for her to stay home with your husband… is there a grandparent or aunt that’s local? Can she come visit with you or get a phone just for that week to call you?)

DrMom

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 12:02 pm

I don't think it's crime for a 9.5-year-old tp sleep over at somebody else's house.

OP, with whom is she staying? Relatives? Friends? Does she like these people?

Seems like there's a lot going on, and she might not be homesick so much as worried about all these other issues (her father cancelling on her, what that signals for their relationship, etc.).

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