How do I handle this type of behaviour? Update...

bnm

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 11:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

But this other child who instigates and scratches and hits, where did he learn it from?

Some kids just react instinctively. I had one little girl who would stick her hand in other kids faces. One kid always bit, the rest pushed her away. We kept them apart and stuck a pacifier in his mouth when appropriate. Both of them are the oldest/only children at that point.

amother

Clear

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 11:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

you really know your stuff! im impressed Very Happy

Nah, like I said, just a mom of 6 beautiful kids, with normal, healthy (in every way Very Happy

) behaviors!

amother

Mayflower

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 11:09 pm

How many kids are in this group? How many Morahs? It doesn’t sound normal to me that your daughter is getting physically hurt so often. To me it sounds like the Morah is not as on top of the kids as she should be.

Rappel

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 11:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

How do you suggest my daughter taking food from other kids? Shes otherwise a very gentle baby.

That's not "bad behaviour". That's natural and normal. The response is a firm and kind correction, like "hands on our own plates" and physically guiding her where she should put them.

Btw, a two year old biting is also not usually "bad behaviour," just very antisocial. So the biting child should be taken to the side to calm down, and a big fuss and hugs should be made over the injured child so that good behaviour is rewarded with attention.

Both of those corrections are on the morah. Not the children.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 11:17 pm

Rappel wrote:

Wait, I'm confused...being bitten is good behavior? lol

giftedmom

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 11:17 pm

I get that you’re young, and intimidated by these older people. But you’re not a child anymore. You’re a mom now. No matter if it’s your first or tenth that child is dependent on you to protect them. They can’t protect themselves yet. Time to tune into your mamma bear instincts and not be so worried about how you’ll be perceived.
Personally I would pull my child from that playgroup.

chelsealew

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 11:18 pm

Op I agree that you should advocate for your daughter, and don't be nervous about what the morah is thinking about you. I was also that first time mother, so self conscious to ask the morah details about my child's day.
It's normal to ask, and normal to stick up for your child.
Tbh, I wouldn't keep my child in this playgroup. I don't think it's ok that the morah doesn't seem to be doing anything about the aggressive behavior, at list she should be telling you about it at pick up. It sounds like she's not on top of things- maybe too many kids?
She should not be blaming this on your daughter

BrisketBoss

Mon, Nov 07 2022, 11:19 pm

amother Mayflower wrote:

Agreed. Was also wondering if this is a ratio issue.

Rappel

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 12:13 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

Wait, I'm confused...being bitten is good behavior? lol

Lol. Nope, but non-aggression in a conflict between toddlers is good behaviour.

tichellady

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 12:24 am

doesn’t sound like enough adult supervision for the kids to be safe

amother

Lime

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 12:34 am

My 2 yr old (number 9 bah) came home yesterday and told me that one of the kids in gan was smacking her. I asked her what the morah did and she said (baby language) that the morah put him to sit by himself. Then she started telling me about this kid who always smacks other people and the morah said he can't play if he's going to hit. He has to sit by himself.
Afterwards two of her older brothers were fighting and she tells them "It's not nice to hit. Put your hands away" and sat down with her hands underneath her.

It's quite clear that the morah is dealing with it. (Note, there are 11 kids with one morah so numbers is not the issue) Saying that a kid needs services is skirting the issue. Playgroup should be a safe environment and it clearly isn't a safe environment for your child.

About your child taking other people's food, again, the teacher should just gently put it back and say "this isn't yours". It is definitely not a reason to condone other kids hitting her. It sounds like the teacher feels that hitting is an acceptable way for a 2 yr old to express themselves. I would not be happy with that.

I would say to the teacher "My daughter is coming home with scratches and is showing aggressive behavior at home. What is your policy for dealing with aggressive behavior in playgroup?" put her clearly on the spot so she has to give a straight answer.
If she feels this is normal, I would pull my child out. This is learned behavior which is very hard to unlearn.

scintilla

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 4:55 am

chelsealew wrote:

I agree, especially the last line. OP I'm a preschool teacher and honestly I'm so appalled at hearing this I'm not sure what to tell you. It's definitely normal 2 year old behavior to be physical at times (yes even biting unfortunately), and to grab from other kid's plates because they don't understand that it's not theirs. However the morah's job is to a) be on top of things so this happens at a bare minimum, if that means following this kid around at all times, so be it, and b) let the parents know, ideally before pickup; maybe not for something like a scratch (though I would) but most definitely for a bite!!

Regarding a), I have literally had students that had very strong oral sensory needs and would express that by biting. Someone had to have their eyes on her and be within grabbing distance for the *entire* year, and there was still probably one bite a day because kids are super quick and morahs are human too, but my point is we were extremely close by and took action every single time. Eventually they do grow out of it but there's no need for the other kids to suffer so much in the meantime. Sounds like this kid needs a chewy toy, some sensory help and a shadow but that's not your concern - yours is keeping your daughter safe. I always tell the kids "Morah's job is to keep everyone safe", so this morah needs to step up and figure out how to achieve that. The other kid may need to stay home until support is figured out (I know, probably not realistic with the morah's attitude but just to give you an idea of what ideally would happen).

The final piece thats bothering me is the morah's attitude. I can excuse not telling you even though I think it's not great, but blaming it on your daughter is pretty concerning. If there's an issue with your daughter grabbing food she should be exploring ways to help with that, not use it as an excuse for your daughter getting hurt. To be dan lkaf zchus, maybe she's letting it happen as a natural consequence so your daughter learns not to do it; I don't love it for this age but I can see the rationale. It's the blaming when you brought up the scratches etc that bothers me.

Is there some way you can pop in unannounced and see what's going on?

amother

Darkblue

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 8:03 am

I would find a new Morah. I'm a playgroup Morah and this would not be happening under my watch.

Can you speak to other parents and find out if their kids are also coming home scratched and bitten?

It is a normal toddler stage to take from their friends' plates. They don't yet have an understanding of mine vs yours. They grow out of it pretty quickly though.

NotInNJMommy

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 8:15 am

while I do think it's both normal of a toddler to not understand boundaries, and normal for this to be an indication that you can peacefully and seamlessly work on boundaries with eating (ie. we only eat from our own plate), it sounds like there's a lot more going on at this playgroup as well that might not be working and is not your child's fault.

WhatFor

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 8:24 am

amother OP wrote:

I asked her the other day if its the same kid thats hurting my daughter and she skirted around the issue and said my daughter takes food from other kids at her tisch and thats why shes getting scratched. Like my daughter is bothering other kids. I was so put on the spot. But what you typed above is good to say Ill pratice before I go in lol

I get the vibe that she doesn't exactly know who scratched your kid and that's why she's skirting around answering who did it. It's unacceptable for you to be finding out about these injuries on your own without her telling you in advance, and suggests that she doesn't even know when they happen. I'm hoping there are other options for daycare in your area?

hodeez

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 8:27 am

How are you all so chill about a baby coming home with scratches and bite marks everyday?? Make a fuss! Once, twice; fine. Consistently?! Something needs to change. You may be the youngest but that doesn't make you lesser than any of the other mothers

amother

Mintcream

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 9:45 am

tichellady wrote:

doesn’t sound like enough adult supervision for the kids to be safe

agree. At that age it's not about who's at fault. They are toddlers! They take others food and they take others toys and some bite when their toy gets taken... But they are babies and need to be supervised and taught in the process. "No this is your plate and this is Sholom's plate. Esti can take fish sticks from Esti's plate and Sholom will take fish sticks from sholom's plate. "

Kids need to be protected and supervised.

amother

Junglegreen

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 10:32 am

As a former play group morah for many years, I would find a new group. This morah does not seem to know how to discipline properly.

momof2+?

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 10:47 am

A lot of people are saying good things
Also-
Does your kid have enough lunch? Do you send it? Or the morah give everyone the same lunch? Does your child have enough food? Why does your child want food from everyone else’s plates?
I would try to come watch a lunch time if possible. Or playtime if the timing is easier.

amother

Tue, Nov 08 2022, 4:38 pm

Thank you so much experienced mommys.
There are noother playgroups in my area, it was so hard finding this one.
They provide lunch and snacks throughout the day

2 morahs, 10 kids.
I went today and the morah was like "she had a really good day today" .... I asked if shes taking food from other kids plates still and she said that my daughter is seated at a table with kids spaced farther apart from her. And then shes like "we have two kids that are teething and biting so I just want to keep your daughter away from them so she doesnt get hurt"

And when she says services she means EI. Like that aint helping the kid whos hurting other kids.

I spoke to my friend who also sends there and her son came home with scratches too. ugh.

Should I leave it for now? Both my husband and I mentioned things to her. My husband spoke by drop off and I spoke by pick up...