I wish Chazal weren’t gozer

amother

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 12:57 pm

Having to hear every word!!!!! Twice! It makes Purim unbelievably stressful. I almost missed megillah because this year there are apparently no later morning leinings and the shul DH davens in is arguably one of the shleppiest minyanim in town. We both thought they’d be done by the time I had to leave but no, they had to shlep and shlep and shlep. (This shul also does an inordinate amount of misheberachs and I had a similar issue when I was pregnant and going to hear shofar. They said shofar would be “not before 10:45” am. We hadn’t bought a seat for me because I was nauseous and planning to be home resting except for hearing shofar. They didn’t start lamnatzeiach until 11:30!! So I stood (leaned against the wall) for 45 minutes feeling like I was going to vomit because after every “v’nomar amen” I kept hoping they were going to start shofar. Nope, they had to add 36 more misheberachs and shlep and shlep and shlep.)

Last night and this morning, a tzadeikes neighbor offered megillah in her house and I ended up keeping them waiting bc I was waiting for DH to finish davening and couldn’t leave DC1 alone. I was so angry and embarrassed at being in that position. They were waiting for me to get over there and I was waiting for DH to get home.

I really hate Purim. And I hate having to hear megillah (and shofar). Hate it hate it hate it.

Vent over. No mussar or “look on the bright side!” comments please. My inner critic is already having a field day.

amother

Arcticblue

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 2:01 pm

Have you spoken to your rav about this stress? I did, and I was told that so long as I was present and didn't fall asleep or get disturbed by any loud noises, it counted as hearing every word. I no longer have anxiety about hearing every word, I just try to stay awake!

amother

Eggshell

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 2:07 pm

amother Arcticblue wrote:

Agreed. Boy did I run after the bal korah every year!

Until I learned that this is a mitzvah of LISHMOA= You have to HEAR it.

I fell asleep this year for a few seconds but in my sleep I heard it so I wasn't busy running after the bal korah when I opened my eyes.

amother

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 2:25 pm

amother Aquamarine wrote:

The simple solution is for your husband to daven at a different minyan. This isn't about Chazal, it's about the timing of minyanim. What do the other women whose husbands daven in that shul do if they have little kids?

I still have the same stress every year (even before I was married or had children) about hearing every word. Forget paying attention to every word. Just being sure I heard it was so stressful.

For the bolded - I seriously don’t know. I guess maybe they go to a hashkama leining. Or there are private home leinings later in the day.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 2:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

Follow along with your finger on the place like a little kid, and you'll be fine.

And yes, either you or your husband should go to hashkama.

amother

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 3:08 pm

amother Aquamarine wrote:

Follow along with your finger on the place like a little kid, and you'll be fine.

And yes, either you or your husband should go to hashkama.

Even doing that with following along is not a guarantee. I’m so tired that it’s hard enough just to stay awake.

I wish DH would go to hashkama on Purim but he is very attached to his shul. So on top of going to bed late after hearing megillah at night, when I’m already not feeling great (I for some reason seem to get sick every year around Purim), now apparently I should get up at the crack of dawn to go do a mitzvah that frankly, I think women should be a potur from. Mad

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 3:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

No, your husband should go to a minyan he likes less so that you can do your mitzvah. His attachment doesn't override your chiyyuv.

amother

DarkViolet

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 3:17 pm

It was Esther who asked כתבוני לדורות.

It must have been a major inconvenience for the women of her time to face the thought of being slaughtered along with their families.

Sitting in shul for an hour seems quite relaxing by comparison.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 4:09 pm

Last year I spent an hour googling what happens if someone has a hearing problem Chas v’shalom. I couldn’t find an answer. The answer was - just do your best. Be there unobstructed and just do your best. (My best this year was really good - I went to a women’s only reading and sat next to the Baal koreh).

amother

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 4:19 pm

amother cornflower wrote:

This is helpful, thank you.

amother

Crocus

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 4:20 pm

Do you have OCD in general?
I don’t stress about this. I go to shul/home megillah reading and try my best.
Obviously if I’m missing chunks, I’ll hear again. But if I think I heard most words, I’m good. I’m a mom, I’m human, I can’t do more.
I doubt Hashem expects more of us.

amother

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 4:20 pm

amother DarkViolet wrote:

This is exactly the kind of mussar post I asked NOT to receive as a response on my thread. If you don’t have something helpful or supportive to say, please don’t reply further...thanks.

FTR, Esther asking כתבוני לדורות was that she wanted the megilla included in Tanach. Chazal were the ones who decided on the chiyuv of every word. Women don’t have the power to be gozer.

amother

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 4:23 pm

amother Crocus wrote:

I definitely have anxiety for sure. People like to talk about the internal pressures that we put on ourselves (themes, shalach manos, etc.) but the external obligation to hear every word, and then possibly to have to go hear the whole thing AGAIN is an external pressure that is really really difficult, and really really exacerbates my anxiety.

Thank you for your supportive and encouraging post.

amother

Crocus

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 4:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

As a man, I’d probably also have more anxiety about Mitzvos. But take advantage of being a women! Use it as an excuse not to be perfect!
Just do your best and tell Hashem you’re really trying. Then try not to think about it more.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 4:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is helpful, thank you.

I try to do the same and am much more relaxed. I make sure I go someplace where the baal koreh isn't someone who will slur his words. I sit right next to the baal koreh, chances that there will be noise that makes me not be able to hear that the baal koreh didn't hear and repeat due it is not very large so I shouldn't worry. it's also not a reading with kids. I do struggle with OCD. growing up in a community where people weren't so makpid on this kind of stuff and I went to crowded shuls vs private megillah readings, and I was OCD, I would read after the baal koreh, often going to two megillah readings, I remember once my aunt who's not OCD at all saying after a reading that she'll have to hear it again because it was slurred, I felt validated that it wasn't just me being crazy.

I do wish they wouldn't have gazered the every word part. Just say we should hear it, and not give us reason to be stressed out. I don't get it.

amother

Valerian

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 5:06 pm

amother cornflower wrote:

I did the same . I still stress worrying that I’ll miss Megillah. But once I’m there I’m calm. I don’t care if it’s standing room only , as long as I could hear , I’m good .

shaqued_almond

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 5:19 pm

It's not as strict. If you make a serious effort, don't talk, and hear the entire megillah you're fine. Especially if you're pregnant or have little kids with you. I think the reason chazal said every word is because they know otherwise people would talk non-stop lol.