Question for those who have kids who have anger mngmt issues

amother

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:01 am

This isn't a question for someone who never dealt with this, Bec believe me my opinion would have been different before I dealt with this too.

Now, for those that have an explosive child, who gets angry, doesn't feel love, has kicked a couple holes in the walls over the years, who has shoved his parents, thrown things (at his parents), but is functional outside the house and is functional most of the time inside the house other than the occasional outbursts. What do you do? He doesn't want therapy or medicine or alternative medicine. Do we ignore treating the issue and just deal with it as it comes up? I would want to deal with the issue but he refuses so what can I do? And is it possible he'll grow out of it or are will his future wife be on here complaining in 10 yrs??

I don't know what to do with him!

amother

DarkGray

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:04 am

Did you read The Explosive Child? There are ways of dealing with him in the moment that will iyh help him learn to self regulate in the future.

I also got What To Do When Your Temper Flares (a kids anger management book) and left it around for him to hopefully pick up and read.

And daven. I don't know what else to do.

amother

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:06 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

I did get the temper flares book, we use the prickly ball term around here all the time! Wink

I did have that book at one point I need to reread. Thanks

And yes davening!

Can they grow out of it??

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:08 am

In this case, medication is crucial so you can work with him on regulating his emotions when he has low frustration tolerance.
If he's mature enough, then in a calm moment, You would need to have an open conversation with him amd explain that his behavior is causing alot of stress and disruption. Meds can help him keep calm and in control.

Last edited by amother on Mon, May 01 2023, 4:59 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

DarkGray

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:10 am

If medication was as simple as Tylenol I would have done it. It's a lot more complex and likely would require significant trial and error and a lot of doctors appointments.

For a kid who is resisting treatments that's not so realistic unless the anger is so intense that you have no life anyhow.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:11 am

No good answers but lol - YES - I too would have had different answers if I did not have my intense child. Very smart to put that into your post.

What I have worked on over the years is keeping myself out of limbic mode and working with him from a place of my frontal lobe. I learned a lot about emotional regulation from this child that I likely would never had learned if I didn't have him. I love nurtured heart approach for preventative and proactive work and am obsessed with brain research such as from the book "Whole Brain Child" and anything from Dan Siegel. That helps me work with my son on the spot and in the moment.

There are no easy answers. I go to therapy myself once a week to help. I can't say that things are perfect but my husband and I are finally slowly getting on the same page and that also helps enormously (when one parent is being nice and other is being tough kid gets mixed messages and that is also very confusing. Took us a long time to figure that one out).

Hugs.

amother

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:11 am

Surrendered wrote:

He refuses medicine.

amother

Darkblue

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:16 am

My 17 year old was an anger management mess when he was 11,12,13. We were in touch with principal in school who told me to be super nice to him.

We stayed calm, tried to respond softly. Nice didn’t work. Firm expectations repeated often. Usually after the outburst. “When you are angry you can not shout and slam the door and break xyz. You can go to your room to calm down or take a walk”

Today he comes across as a very gentle person. When he gets angry he’ll say-shout I’m mad leave alone. And we do.

amother

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:18 am

Can they outgrow it without intervention? If he is in a dorming yeshiva and sleepaway camp where he's totally fine for the interim until he outgrows it we can deal with it, it's not constant, it's occasionally. I'm just concerned if he not getting therapy and skills to deal with it now if it will affect him later in life? or is it reasonable to think he can outgrow this? (And normally I would not bank on outgoing it I would normally do everything in my power to address a situation if it's not clearly something he will definitely be outgrown, but he is not willing)

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:19 am

my child had it due to the side effects of prednisone. meditation helped him. (not sure if you would call it therapy but it feels really good so maybe he would want to give it a try.)

amother

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:22 am

amother Darkblue wrote:

Wow really glad for you. I can try that, but I picture him blaming us for triggering him . If I said that after he got mad about something he would turn it around and say well it's Bec you did XYZ and won't take responsibility and instead " justifies" it.

amother

Darkblue

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:27 am

When he turns it around on u, don’t play the game-do not respond!

At a moment of calm-educate. People will trigger you in life-you need self control. I give real life examples.
Never answer back to his blaming.

Also I bought books. Not wordy . Nice messages. Even though it was for much younger kids, it was light easy to understand and quick.

amother

Pink

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:28 am

amother Darkblue wrote:

Also I bought books. Not wordy . Nice messages. Even though it was for much younger kids, it was light easy to understand and quick.

Can you post some recommendations?

Ema of 5

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:29 am

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

Homeopathy has helped my child with rages a lot.

(Disclaimer: I have a 16 year old who was on medication for many years, hasn’t been for almost 2 years. Writing this so you know where I’m coming from, not just some random person asking a question.) What type of things did/do you do that helped? How expensive was/is it? How quickly did you start seeing a change? You can message me if you’re not comfortable writing here.

amother

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:32 am

I wish he would try homeopathy. That was the alternative medicine I had in mind when I wrote that in my first post. But unfortunately he refuses to try it. Crying