What do I tell my daughter about her friend?

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amother

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:41 am

My younger elementary school daughter used to have a close friend in preschool that she kept wanting to invite to her house. I cross paths alot with the mother. Mostly because she has a big mouth, loves to gossip has money and is a influential person. I told my daughter that this kid lives to far away and we can't invite her. This and my daughter made separate friends. My daughter is happy and adjusted. 2 months ago the teacher paired this kid with my daughter and it restarted the friendship. The other girl wants to come to my daughter house and my daughter is flattered to be invited. She now lives not too, too far from us, so the previous excuse no longer applies.The problem is I'm so afraid of the mothers very judgy and ignorant view. This kid from what I heard practically went to all the kids in the whole class and my daughter is waiting for her turn. She's a nice girl, but very nosy herself, loves to talk. I see her when I drop off/pick up my daughter, at plays etc. My daughter also loves to talk. More about herself, her family, her life, and in a very innocent way.I have nothing to hide but I would feel like my privacy was violated if I let the kid in. Am I right to have these feeling? I know after all she's just a kid.
My daughter can't understand why I wouldn't let her friend come over now that the yomim tovim is over and the weather is nice. I also don't trust my daughter going over to this kids house . I'm afraid of the innocent question she could aske my daughter. Who knows she's such a pushy lady I'm worried how she would treat my innocent daughter? What should I do?

dena613

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:47 am

Random thoughts in no particular older:

Is the mother mean?

Is the girl mean?

Does your daughter not come home and tell you what happened when she goes to friends’ houses, too? (Not sure why you think the girl will talk about your family any more than your dd would tell you abt her friends’ families. Is it because you think her mother will grill her for every detail and then talk about you?)

Maybe I’m wrong but you sound like you are very intimidated by the mother.

I think it’s weird for the girls to have kept cheshbon of whose house this girl has been to. Is she the class queen?

amother

Eggplant

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:47 am

I mean this kindly as I can be the same way sometimes. Do you find yourself feeling intimidated and insecure around this mother? I think you need to separate yourself from that feeling and think about your daughter. She wants to have a girl in the class over, why not have her come to your house?

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:51 am

Agree with previous poster. You are micromanaging your daughter's friendships because of your own insecurities.

amother

Peach

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:51 am

Yes it sounds like you are intimidated by the mother. Please don’t make your child feel the way you feel

amother

Starflower

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:51 am

OP what age are you talking about? 10? 7? You can't really make a judgement on people you don't know. She might be a little nosy but she might make your DD feel great. Try it and see how it goes. If you see a problem then you can decide what to do.

Cheiny

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:51 am

amother OP wrote:

I think you’re way overthinking things and I think you have to stop caring what judgmental people think of you (if they are in fact judging you, or if it’s just your own insecurities making you think they are). I think you have to stop trying to control things so closely and just allow your child to have her play date.

amother

Lightgray

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:54 am

If she's a pushy mother, teach your daughter that she doesn't have to answer questions posed by pushy people or anything that makes her uncomfortable.
This is a good opportunity for her to learn social skills and holding on to personal boundaries.
Easier to learn it on a friend's mom when young then later on in life adult on adult.

amother

Canary

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:55 am

Wow. I think you are very much overthinking this playdate.
I never denied a playdate my kids wanted because of something that may happen.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:07 am

You're letting your insecurities affect your daughters friendships. Do you have anything to hide? Are you proud of your family and your life? If a problem arises, you'll nip it in the bud. Teach your daughter that she doest have to answer anyone if she's not comfortable, but dont attach the word "pushy/nosy" to this girls mom, before you had your own experience, or even then. Just keep on strengthening your daughters confidence, and she'll learn from her own experiences what to filter and when.

amother

DarkMagenta

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:15 am

The post about teaching your daughter boundaries was right on target. There are people who do not respect the privacy of others and then use the information they have gathered in inappropriate ways. I'm sorry to see your perception of this relationship has been invalidated here, but from experience with an adult who obsessively probes with invasive questions, I say teaching boundaries to your daughter is the best approach here. It is a useful life skill anyway.

Fox

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:30 am

It's always interesting to me how chinuch experts are quick to tell us how important it is to guard against our kids' making "bad" friends, but they're usually quite vague about how to actually do that.

Here's my advice based on successes and some notable regrets:

* DON'T try to manage your child's friendships. This will backfire and lead to completely unintended consequences.

* DO monitor play dates and outings and step in if things are going in a bad direction. "You know, Malkie, we have a rule in our house about not talking about how much things cost."

* DO have a casual conversation with your child after all play dates or social situations. What did she enjoy? What did she not enjoy? What does she like about this friend. This gives you a chance to prompt reflection in the right direction.

* DON'T assume that the way things are now will be the way they always are. I discouraged my son's friendship with one particular little hellion. Long story, short: that little hellion is fast on his way to becoming a well-known talmid chochum and rav, and my son could have benefited from his friendship later in life.

Cheiny

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:36 am

Fox wrote:

So self aware and big of you to recognize your initial instinct may have been misguided. Aging and experience teach us a lot.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 10:33 am

Fox wrote:

* DON'T assume that the way things are now will be the way they always are. I discouraged my son's friendship with one particular little hellion. Long story, short: that little hellion is fast on his way to becoming a well-known talmid chochum and rav, and my son could have benefited from his friendship later in life.

LOL. One of my daughter's best friends was a real handful when she was younger, but grew into a really lovely young lady and a wonderful friend. Don't predict outcomes for anyone at the age of 5!

amother

Ghostwhite

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 10:36 am

You’re projecting your own anxiety onto your daughter. Invite her over and don’t overthink it. You don’t have to be friends with her or her family. It’s your daughters friendship. Allow her the freedom to manage it herself.

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