The victim mentality of many bothers me- anyone else?

amother

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 3:02 am

So I keep reading of people feeling they can’t make it financially and I see it in person a lot (specifically my in laws fam where they judge us for going on vacations, etc as if we’re comfortable when in reality it is just something we prioritize). Anyone else feel like this? I would say most people make more than us and are constantly complaining yet I feel it’s kind of all in their outlook. Like I kind of want to tell people no just adjust your attitude and stop playing victim. Both DH and I work for a total of 110 a year with 5kah and pay expensive out of town tuition and we really don’t feel tight. Yes we don’t have any to put away but bh can afford all necessities and vacations,etc so I just don’t understand and it really bothers me when I see people always acting and complaining they don’t have when they’re making a higher salary . Am I the only one? It’s all about attitude and hkbh always provides 🤷🏻‍♀️

amother

NeonYellow

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 3:08 am

Agreed that people should start appreciating their blessings instead of complaining about what they don't have.

However, I've recently become more realistic instead of optimistic in terms of my outlook on our finances and it's sobering.

I realize that my husband was not always a "stick in the mud" or "negative; it's important to be honest with what is and what isn't at least for yourself. (Other people don't have to listen to you complain)

amother

Lavender

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 4:19 am

Do any of your five kids have allergies or other health issues that require a special diet? Does anyone have any issues that require appointments and medications that come with out of pocket costs? Does anyone have special needs that require tutors or therapies? Just saying "I make x number and feel no stress" is meaningless. That 110 doesn't go as far if you have other needs that everyone else doesn't necessarily have to deal with.

amother

Butterscotch

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 4:26 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

I don’t feel like a victim and I’m very grateful for our parnassa, but we make more than double and we’re tight. So I have no idea how you are not. Out of town living must be a lot cheaper.

Yes. I’m grateful each day for what I do have , but I can’t imagine how you are not in the red with $110k salary and 5 kids. We earn more than that and we are in the red and we live very frugally. No vacations unless for one or two days a year.

amother

Hosta

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 4:28 am

My guess is, living OOT you pay lower taxes and lower rent/ mortgage. Your "expensive" oot tuition probably isn't much more than mine. And as another poster mentioned, you're probably not buying $5 packs of hypoallergenic crackers so your allergic child can feel like everyone else like I have to.

I'm so glad your budget is working, and I'd be happy to take your input on my budget if you think there's spare money I'm missing, but chances are you're just really lucky that you're making it.

amother

Whitewash

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 4:30 am

I don't feel like we can spend but I don't feel overly deprived. We're making under $100k while my husbands starts his business because we realized rent and babysitting costs will increase faster than a salary so we werent really able to save up for a house. I've accepted that this is a strictly budget stage in life. Iyh one day either my husband will make it big or the rich family member who doesn't like to be directly asked for help will offer on their own accord for something bigger than a couch

amother

Burlywood

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 4:36 am

I keep hearing it here and I believe it.

1. The bar is set to high in our frum communities

2.we feel the need to keep the high standards/are expected to.

If you live out of town you won't understand the intown pressure on people.

Every family is different. Some could get away with spending less, Even the gender of your children makes a difference. Prices are very high now. There is a bigger gap between the rich and the poor.

amother

Hyssop

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 5:43 am

amother Burlywood wrote:

Sorry I disagree. I live in town (brooklyn) and feel absolutely zero pressure. I never even once felt that I needed to buy something just because of pressure.
And so many of my friends are like this as well.

I'm assuming op doesn't have any major expenses. For example, I have a health condition that requires I pay insane insurance premiums so I can access the doctors and hospitals I need. Some people have special needs kids that need expensive tutoring and therapy. Also I'm curious what op considers expensive tuition. And how old her oldest dc is.

amother

Blonde

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 5:49 am

amother Hyssop wrote:

I’m not the pressured type but I see some of my kids can’t help but notice what the people around them have/wear/do…

amother

Snow

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 5:51 am

Wondering if you'll be saying the same thing when you need to marry off your kids and have no savings because you've been taking too many vacations.

I think some people genuinely can't live on what they earn and they don't always have a way to make more money. They are not playing victim, they are trying to do their best in a difficult situation and sometimes their frustrations come to the surface. This should be a safe place for them to vent.

I'm saying this as someone who has BH never experienced financial worry or stress, but I'm aware of my privilege. I also know that you can't claim to have bitachon in an area if you haven't actually been tested.

amother

Denim

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 6:04 am

This is a very tone deaf post, especially on a site like this where we have seen there are more than a few people in dire poverty.

You need to provide your budget if you’re going to say that 110k a year is enough for 5 kids. Because there’s something off here. It’s not enough. Frum family life is so expensive.

People are in pain. They can’t pay tuition. They haven’t been on vacations in years.. They buy clothes from target and Walmart but it only helps them a bit because frum inflation has outpaced inflation and everything is unaffordable to a middle class family that was making it just three years ago.

Have you ever lied awake at night, crying because you can’t afford to buy your kids enough food? Because the debt you’re in is towering over you and the walls of the tiny apartment you live in and can’t afford the rent to are closing in on you? While you see others going on vacations and living in homes that fit their family and grocery shopping without stress, casually speaking of these things as if they’re not the biggest gifts in the world.

It’s not about attitude. It’s about numbers not adding up. It’s about constant financial stress that eats you up.

This thread is very insensitive. Appreciate your unusually low expenses and daven for and donate to the poor in our community. Don’t judge them for being sad about their objectively sad situation.

amother

Clematis

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 6:06 am

We made 60k last year with a baby. DH started a new business. Most weeks I couldnt afford basic groceries. It causes tremendous tremendous agmas nefesh in our marriage and is the crux of all of our fights.

I live in a gross apartment with no washing machine. I dont have the money to pay for a laundry mat and my aunt who lives 35 minutes away lets me use her machine free which is a tremendous chessed. Dying to move but simply can't because we cant afford the extra hundred on rent each month

I had a medical condition which is bh under control but required thousands to be spent on treatment and physical therapy not covered by insurance.

Why is it victim mentality to be stressed? Your post is extremely tone deaf to others.
how is 110 enough to sustain a family of 7? Unless you're providing a breakdown its really meaningless to any of us.

amother

Ecru

Thu, Jul 13 2023, 6:13 am

amother OP wrote:

It is all about the attitude.
I don't think I could enjoy spending money on a vacation if I didn't have money in savings for a rainy day.
(I use points for vacation instead..)

In town tuition is 10k a kid, so can't imagine paying 5 or even 3 oot tuitions at even 10k a kid and not feeling tight.

Here's a basic budget:
110k pre tax is around 86 post tax at best

30k tuition minimum
24k housing (assuming you live in a super cheap OOT housing for 2k a month)
10k utilities
10k food

This leaves 10k for phones/internet/misc household expenses/diapers/clothing/transportation(even if you own your car you need to pay insurance) and your till have money left over for vacation?
Something doesn't add up.
I didnt even put High numbers.

So for sure it's about attitude.

I try not to say I can't afford it and instead use the language it's not in my budget.

Dh siblings love to laugh that we can afford a lot more than them when talking about expensive prices.
The reality is its not in out budget.
We choose to prioritize different things, and that's exactly why we can technically afford big ticket items? We couldn't always make the month and that left lasting results which is why savings is my number one priority while it might not be yours. And it's not even a question to spend on other stuff If I don't have $$ saved for the future.