S/o stuff to buy: our financial sit. crowdsourcing ideas

amother

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 1:28 pm

Before you read: please, if you're at all inclined to judge, then please just skip this thread. Comments on my family planning, family size, or on my stupidity will only make me feel worse. I'm reaching out for help to try to brainstorm my situation, partly out of desperation and partly because I'm so inspired by the kind hearts of imas here. The giving thread where imas are buying things off the registries of other struggling imas is just one example. Mi ki'amcha Yisrael! What a beautiful place Imamother can be.

So I'm going to be very vulnerable and put my entire situation out there in the hope that someone will have an insight that can help me, and I hope it doesn't backfire big time. I'm going to trust that it won't.

So, here's my situation that I'm looking to change, if you have any ideas at all.

Income: Dh makes around $20/hr, working for 30 hours a week. I work on my own time and can make $50/hr...BUT. Due to various factors I don't make more than about 20k a year. Our combined income is not more than $60k a year. I'll talk more about this further on.

Family size: We have 6 beautiful children kah, with a seventh on the way. The one on the way is very much wanted but was not planned, except by Hashem, and I appreciate the vote of confidence from Above.

Living quarters: We live in a small 3 bedroom apartment with a small combined living room dining room, kitchen, and one bathroom. Our rent is about $1,500 a month. I know it's very low, we've been here for years and the apartment is old and broken with multiple issues.

Benefits: We have food stamps worth about $800 a month.
We get WIC.
We get Medicaid.
We get a yearly tax refund of about $10k.

Savings: We actually have about 20k that I managed to put away over the years from tax refunds and the covid stimulus. It's sitting in a standard savings account. I was hoping to put it towards a down payment one day, but that amount is probably a joke and we still wouldn't be able to afford a monthly mortgage.

Expenses: Tuition we pay about $4k per kid, for each one of our 6.
Camp is expensive. The older ones work for half the summer to help pay for it, but they make only the small amount that camps pay teenagers.
One car, which is paid off BH.

No vacations or anything like that. No cleaning help, no eating out, no takeout. No brand name anything at all. No lessons or recreational memberships. No magazine or newspaper subscriptions. Chol hamoed trips are free or cheap. I buy clothing, shoes and household items cheap or not at all. Thank you hand me downs, SheIn, deals sites, the library, and free giveaway groups! Furniture is always second hand free giveaways. We don't have room for too many toys, so that saves us money. For everyday needs we manage and are happy. We repair things ourselves, or do without. Once, an appliance was really actually broken and my parents very kindly bought us a new one, which was so appreciated. Birthdays are celebrated with a homemade cake and cards. Dh doesn't buy me gifts. Flowers for Shabbos are not a thing, we have an artificial arrangement from the 99c store that I put together nicely on the table. (The secret is to stick to one color.) We don't have big hasagos; we're simple people. We teach our kids to be proud of our low material standards and not to compare to others. And yes, we do live "in town", believe it or not.

There are some things I will not compromise on: for example, my kids need to be in a structured environment in the summer and that's something I can't provide on my own in my tiny apartment, so I send them to day camp, and once they're much older, sleepaway camp for a year or two. But most other things are extras we don't need, or can be bought on sale. (One exception is ds's bike issue...He seems to break, lose, or have a bike stolen every year, so he doesn't currently own a working bike.)

With Hashem's help, things are fine, except for the elephant in the room: the housing problem.
Right now we have 3 kids in each of the 2 small kids bedrooms, which are crowded with bunk beds, toys and clothing storage.
It seems like someone is always waiting for the bathroom or on the verge of an accident. There are many other problems that come with living in an apartment that's old and falling apart. Minor health issues, bugs, minor mold, privacy and other things.
Bedtime is difficult with 6 kids keeping each other awake between the two small rooms.
When a kid is wild or acting up and the weather is bad, there's no place like a basement to send them to chill out and relax. There are some behavioral issues that crop up from time to time, and these take place on top of everyone's heads because there's nowhere else to go.
We just barely fit around the dining room table, which just barely fits into the dining room...and we still have guests from time to time. Not many, one or two older lonely people who are worse off than us, to make Shabbos and Yom Tov more exciting. The kids behave better when guests come and it makes them feel special about our family.
My older ones are finding it harder and harder to bring friends over to study, due to the lack of space and what our house looks like.

I'm guessing I can't put a house on an Amazon registry. Well, maybe one of those tiny prefab ones, but we'd still need land to set it up on.

I have no idea how we can get out of this mess. We are basically covering our expenses, but we have no space.

Before you suggest, I'm going to give a small warning so you don't end up frustrated: there are mental and physical health issues on my part that make it very difficult for me to increase my income, although I am trying to figure out some other angles, which is not easy to do when pregnant and feeling miserable. As far as dh, I can't be responsible for his choices. I have tried and tried for years to get him to find a better job, go for training, take a second job, anything, but gotten nowhere.

Rentals of the size we need are upwards of 3,600, and buying is impossible. Maybe we're stuck with no way out for now, but I was hoping I could get a creative suggestion or two.

Again, please don't use my thread for any soapboxing or spin offs. I'm stressed out enough as it is with a pregnancy related mood disorder, which is being treated, before you ask.

I also realize that there are people in a lot worse situations than me, and I'm grateful for what I have BH. We survive on bitachon and are not starving, we have what to wear and are basically happy. But maybe some kind imas can still brainstorm together with me.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

amother

Black

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 1:35 pm

I don't have ideas per say, but wonder if location makes difference. As in, you'd be able to afford to rent a bigger place in a different location. Are you currently located in the tri-state area?
(BTW, I say this as someone who grew up in.a larger family in a small 3 bedroom home. So I get it. At one point, we had 6 kids sleeping in the same bedroom. 2 bunk beds, 1 crib, and 1 kid on a crib mattress on the floor bec there was no room to squeeze another bed in. We did have 2 bathrooms, at least.)

amother

Tuberose

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 1:37 pm

Can you get Section 8?

amother

Tuberose

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 1:40 pm

I also want to say that you have an amazing attitude about what seems like a very tight situation. I'm sure that makes all the difference about how your kids feel about it too.

amother

Slategray

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 1:41 pm

You sound like a really lovely person making do with a not ideal situation.

As I am in a similar situation (5 kids in a 2 bedroom apartment, with 2 bathrooms, thankfully) I feel like I can weigh in.

It's hard. Let nobody tell you otherwise.

Nobody really gets it.

Everyone has advice. Move into a bigger place! (Would love to afford it)

Make more money! (If only it was that simple) etc. etc.

But I'm at a place where I've come to really accept my situation and even be happy with my lot in life.

I would also recommend Dina Friedman's power series course - it's great at helping you live your ideal life through positive thinking and manifesting.

giftedmom

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 1:42 pm

Another vote for location. Are your incomes location dependent, and even if yes can you find something cheaper within a half hour 45 min commute? There are many up and coming Frum communities with cheaper housing within commuting distance of the bigger tristate communities.

Java

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 1:47 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I agree with this
OP there are programs where you can put down very little on a down payment, and 1500 will go a long way towards covering your mortgage if you buy out of town

Window

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 1:53 pm

You mentioned that the rooms are full with stuff, can you gain some space by organizing better? You can’t put a house on an Amazon registry, but you can put bins, containers, and other storage solutions.
I have no idea what your apartment looks like, but if it’s cluttered, decluttering and organizing will feel soooo good

amother

Pink

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 1:54 pm

It sounds like you do have more earning potential. Could husband take on more tasks or could you hire cheap help so that you could work more hours (without losing benefits)?

Really wacky idea, but is there a cheap studio or 1 br apt in your building you could rent (even split with a neighbor) for a hangout place for older kids

amother

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 1:56 pm

Thanks for all the replies! It means a lot.

We do live in the tristate. My question to those suggesting a location change is: do you know of somewhere driving distance to schools that has 4 br 2 bath rentals for 1500, walking distance from a shul?

We would also need to somehow pay for a second car, and have to spend a lot more time on driving the kids back and forth, so I'm not sure how that would work out. And DH's job is local.

My kids are very well adjusted in their current schools. That's pretty much the only thing we have going for us! The most important thing to me is my their happiness so I'm not going to rock the boat on that.

amother

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 2:00 pm

amother Tuberose wrote:

Can you get Section 8?

No, we didn't even win the raffle to get on the waiting list the last time it opened, which was years ago.

amother

Black

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 2:02 pm

I'm really not judging. But is there any way for your husband to increase his hours..30 hours is basically part time. If you don't want to move your only option is to increase your income.

amother

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 2:03 pm

amother Slategray wrote:

Thank you so much for this post! It's so true. I'm not going to spend money on courses, but I work on emunah and bitachon and do lots of things for my mental health, like therapy.

I can't imagine how you have 5 kids sleeping in one bedroom! Hopefully it's a very big bedroom. I hope things change for you soon for the better!

amother

Starflower

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 2:04 pm

maybe going to a financial coach can help DH realize that getting a new job would be beneficial?

giftedmom

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 2:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

There was an article in this weeks binah about Linden NJ. Very informative. Staten Island also has many options.

amother

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 2:05 pm

amother Black wrote:

I'm really not judging. But is there any way for your husband to increase his hours..30 hours is basically part time. If you don't want to move your only option is to increase your income.

Ok so I'm not the biggest tzaddekes and honestly, I really AM judging...my husband. I've been judging him for years about this. He wasn't even always working. But it's like hitting a brick wall: he's not gonna change, no matter what I say, do, suggest, hint, dance, sing, cry, threaten, or throw pots at the walls.

turca

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 2:06 pm

So your husband is not capable of making more than $20/h.
And you could make $50.
Either you take the lead and get more paid hours, or you ll have to rely on charity ( either by knocking on ppls doors or calling charity organizations).
It doesn't matter where you live, everything and everywhere is expensive.

giftedmom

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 2:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

Would he be open to taking on more childcare so you can work more hours?

camp123

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 2:09 pm

What does your DH think about your housing situation?

amother

Crystal

Sun, Jul 16 2023, 2:09 pm

$20 an hour sounds very low
Starting salary where I live (Lakewood) is $25, I get paid $30/hr and work 30 hour week.
If your husband took on more hours and got paid 5-10 more an hour it would make a big difference...like 200+ more a week