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Forum
-> Pregnancy & Childbirth
-> Formula Feeding
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amother
OP
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 Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:10 am
The amount of harassment and abuse I've taken, IRL and online, from FF mommies is astounding.
As they preach not to judge and "fed is best" they tell the EBF mother to stop nursing, that she's taking away from her husband, that she's neglecting her older children, that you can't run a home if you're nursing, that babies need a sane mommy more than they need breastmilk, that breastmilk has no value and it's all hype, that FF babies turn out healthier than BF babies and BF babies don't get enough nutrition. They see a BF mommy pumping and say her milk looks too thin, too blue, or it must be bad. They say it's more important to have another baby than to BF your current baby.
They hear that a mommy is tandem nursing and start lecturing over how the toddler is being babied and it's not healthy to nurse for so long, how the boundaries are blurred and the toddler is taking time and attention away from the baby, how the toddler needs to learn that the baby is the baby and they are the big brother/sister. FF mommies tell tandem nursing mommies that they are extreme, taking away from their husbands, obsessing about breastfeeding in an unhealthy way, that they need to get back to normal.
If you nurse more than a certain number of months then you are spoiling your baby, your baby will never grow up, your baby won't learn to eat solids properly, your baby won't grow, your milk is worthless by now and it's just water, you need to give it up - nursing is a nice luxury but not something that is appropriate for real-life after you go back from maternity leave.
I've had all of these comments from different people over the course of the years I've nursed. By now I blow them off. But when I was a young mother they really stung.
But then FF mommies come on board crying that BF mommies judge them and they feel pity for us.
Why don't the FF mommies just get off our backs and leave us alone, stop judging us and harassing us and claiming that we're judging them, stop pitying us and our husbands and kids, stop thinking that anyone who BFs more than two weeks lacks life experience. Stop saying that any BF mommy who defends her decision simply lacks empathy for the FF mommy.
Just stop it, bashing BF mommies doesn't make your position or decision any better, it doesn't make you a better mommy.
If FF mommies really believe that "fed is best" maybe they should stop bashing and harassing BF mommies. Don't pity us, don't harass us, don't tell us how your way is better, just go feed your baby and leave me to feed mine. And don't take the nursing corner in the clinic or the mall, thanks.
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amother
Ecru
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:12 am
Guilt and defensiveness
(I’m not saying they should feel guilty, but most people, when questioning themselves, feel the need to dig in their heels and double down defending their choice)
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amother
PlumPink
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:14 am
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I agree. I haven't seen too much shaming from BF moma towards FF moms.
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Ema of 5
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:14 am
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Baruch Hashem I have never come across any such people. All I will say is that jiffy people come in all shapes and sizes, in all aspects of life. I don’t think it’s EBF moms are judge or FF moms are judge, but rather some people in each group. No matter what you do, you will always finds someone who will judge.
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amother
Magnolia
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:16 am
I have seen comments like you're describing online, but never experienced them IRL. I'm currently nursing a 2 year old and nursed all my other kids too. I have gotten judgy comments IRL about working full-time and daycare, but never about nursing.
On the contrary, sometimes non-nursing moms will start almost apologizing or explaining to me about why they don't nurse and I feel like "Whoa whoa whoa, you don't have to justify anything to me."
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Goody2shoes
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:18 am
| amother PlumPink wrote: | | I agree. I haven't seen too much shaming from BF moma towards FF moms. |
Not necessarily a fact. I've seen it go both ways. BF moms ask me all the times why I can't try and nurse, it's much healthier and fulfilling. As long as you don't know anyone's circumstances, no one has a right to comment on anyone else's choices.
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amother
Oxfordblue
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:19 am
I'm a formula mom and I feel it is the other way around...I've gotten so many looks, stares and comments for giving bottles.
I once went to a wedding with my baby and got 3 comments from 3 diff people who saw me feeding bottles
I never once made a comment to a BF mom. I couldn't care less what other people do. I'm a live and let live kind of person, in many diff areas.
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amother
Lemonlime
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:24 am
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FF mom' have always been shamed and judged way more than BF mom's. I haven't seen BF mom's being commented and shamed & FF mom's constantly get shamed, judged, harassed, and bullied.
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NechaMom
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:29 am
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Never saw this IRL. Did see the opposite.
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Queen Of Hearts
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:30 am
I'm not judging anyone.
Ideally BF is best. Hashem created a woman with the ability to nurse her baby.
If any FF women are stating that formula feeding is ideal that's just a false statement.
If a woman can't for whatever reason. That is her right. And no one should question or judge.
I think as with anything in life: MYOB!!
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amother
Lemonlime
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:31 am
| Sweetmommy wrote: | I'm not judging anyone.
Ideally BF is best. Hashem created a woman with the ability to nurse her baby.
If any FF women are stating that formula feeding is ideal that's just a false statement.
If a woman can't for whatever reason. That is her right. And no one should question or judge.
I think as with anything in life: MYOB!! |
FF mom's constantly need to defend themselves to people preaching that BF is best and bla bla bla.
They're the one's constantly being put down.
I don't believe that OP is being shamed for breastfeeding, I believe she just wants to stir the pot and get a thread heated.
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amother
Oatmeal
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:32 am
I have had it both ways. FF moms trying to find excuses. And I am like "fed is best". Your milk wasn't good enough? (She called hers non fat milk). Baby starving? Pediatrician says to FF? Crazy allergies? Great! FF!!
I honestly don't care as long as the baby is fed and growing.
I can nurse. It works for me. During the crazy formula shortage I refused formula for my baby in the hospital to save for moms who couldn't produce or it wasn't working for them (supply, mental health, whatever the reason). I felt that moms should all try to save it for the ones who couldnt for whatever reason. Not in a judgy way- where I lived there were empty shelves. Completely empty. And I knew moms who didn't even try to nurse for their first and stockpiped months worth. (Baby was born after shortage started so they stockpiled before baby was even born! That bothered me as I had friends who couldnt find anything, from any brand. Who cares about CY, their baby had nothing!) But if you can't nurse- formula feed.
But I get the other side too-so much flak for nursing. Judgmental looks when I ask for a room to nurse in. When are you stopping? You know after 6 months its not as needed... my baby is barely a year. They act like I am nursing a 4 year old.
Stop judging as long as no baby is neglected or starved.
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NechaMom
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:32 am
| amother Lemonlime wrote: | FF mom's constantly need to defend themselves to people preaching that BF is best and bla bla bla.
They're the one's constantly being put down.
I don't believe the OP is being shamed for breastfeeding, I believe she just wants to stir the pot and get a thread heated. |
Feel the same
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NotInNJMommy
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:35 am
In my circles, things are always very pro BF....Those of us who have FF (in part or in full) usually feel ashamed because of the perceived second best-ness in our community and in a way, it's self imposed too. But I don't know that I have ever experienced hating or nastiness in the last 10 years......10 years before that I experienced more insensitivity but again, not really hating or nastiness.
And I've certainly never gotten defensively nasty or judging in reverse...or seen that at all.
Last edited by NotInNJMommy on Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:41 am; edited 1 time in total
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Queen Of Hearts
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:40 am
| amother Lemonlime wrote: | FF mom's constantly need to defend themselves to people preaching that BF is best and bla bla bla.
They're the one's constantly being put down.
I don't believe the OP is being shamed for breastfeeding, I believe she just wants to stir the pot and get a thread heated. |
I agree. I have never seen this either.
But if FF moms are doing this it's wrong. And vice versa.
I would never ask anyone how they feed their baby. It's Not My Business!
Personally, I BF cuz it works for me. But if it wouldn't I would give it up in a second.
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Goody2shoes
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:47 am
| NotInNJMommy wrote: | In my circles, things are always very pro BF....Those of us who have FF (in part or in full) usually feel ashamed because of the perceived second best-ness in our community and in a way, it's self imposed too. But I don't know that I have ever experienced hating or nastiness in the last 10 years......10 years before that I experienced more insensitivity but again, not really hating or nastiness.
And I've certainly never gotten defensively nasty or judging in reverse...or seen that at all. |
I agree with the stigma regarding FF in certain circles/communities. I remember being terrified to tell my mom that I'm bottle feeding because of the comments I knew would be coming like, "it's healthier to nurse" or, "don't you want to bond with him"?
I don't see anything like that in regards to BF moms.
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amother
Lemonlime
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:48 am
| amother Ecru wrote: | Guilt and defensiveness
(I’m not saying they should feel guilty, but most people, when questioning themselves, feel the need to dig in their heels and double down defending their choice) |
No, it's not guilt. It's defensiveness from being constantly shamed and bullied by breastfeeding mom's.
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ora_43
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 8:50 am
Online is online, real life is real life, and never the twain shall meet. Especially when it comes to the Mommy Wars.
Look. Everyone gets criticized. Everyone's "side" has jerks who go around criticizing the other people. So let's not make this about "team FF" vs "team BF." Let's be "Team Mind Your Own Business" vs "Team But What If They're Wrong?"
And then rewrite this to, 'the amount of harassment I've taken from jerks is astounding. and I hear from FF moms that they get criticized by jerks, too! I wish that people who go around condemning women for their choices would just get off our backs and leave us alone.'
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Ema of 5
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 9:12 am
| Sweetmommy wrote: | I'm not judging anyone.
Ideally BF is best. Hashem created a woman with the ability to nurse her baby.
If any FF women are stating that formula feeding is ideal that's just a false statement.
If a woman can't for whatever reason. That is her right. And no one should question or judge.
I think as with anything in life: MYOB!! |
No, baby eating and thriving is best. Mom being healthy is best. Nursing and bottle feeding are not equal, but what is best for mom and baby is what’s best. Being told that what you’re doing isn’t ideal can be very hurtful, and can lead to defensiveness. There’s no need to tell anyone what is ideal, other than baby and mom being healthy and thriving.
Signed,
Someone who nursed for 6, 4, 12, and 36+ months, and is now bottle feeding exclusively.
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amother
Fern
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Sun, Aug 13 2023, 9:15 am
| amother Oxfordblue wrote: | I'm a formula mom and I feel it is the other way around...I've gotten so many looks, stares and comments for giving bottles.
I once went to a wedding with my baby and got 3 comments from 3 diff people who saw me feeding bottles
I never once made a comment to a BF mom. I couldn't care less what other people do. I'm a live and let live kind of person, in many diff areas. |
Exactly this I never made a comment to BF moms but they always have advice for me who’s a FF mom and how I probably didn’t try hard enough everyone has milk and what not comments!!
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