So where did you send your young couple for Bein Hazmanim?

amother

Anemone

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 6:34 am

amother Oleander wrote:

My sil tells my dh, her brother, that we must go on vacation this month, that he has to take us out. I asked him if she is also offering to pay cause we still have bills to pay for and we just got a 2nd hand washing machine cause ours broke down.

She thinks that cause my dh has 2 jobs we must be rolling in money. Unfortunately she lost her dh a few years ago and she has friends that sponsor her trips to the alps, to America etc.

And like someone said up thread, some people can't even afford chicken.

your poor SIL!
I am so glad to hear she has friends who can and do sponsor her trips!
wishing everyone abundance

and no never heard of this "minhag" and wouldn't do this...

imaima

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 6:50 am

gr82no wrote:

Huh?!? Never heard of it.
I do know one jappy couple that his rich parents paid for their vacation but never heard of it as a thing.
Can I get a rain check?

I am not sending anyone there unless I checked it out myself first

amother

Hyacinth

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 7:04 am

I grew up in a kollel family and went to a school with similar families. My parents didn't receive parental support. We were very poor and I didn't choose the kollel life for myself, but we were raised with great values. Most of us in my school were living simple lives.

The things I'm seeing on imamother are bonkers. There was a time when people understood that sitting and learning meant giving up on some materialistic things. Now there's a community of people who want to learn instead of working but still want designer name clothing and to have parent-funded vacations across the world? I don't care what people do with their money. Enjoy. It's just weird to associate these extravagances with people who are sitting and learning. It's a weird juxtaposition of values.

notshanarishona

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 7:06 am

No one needs to send a couple anywhere. Married couples are supposed to be adults and budget if they want to go on a trip, just like anyone else. I am a big advocate of the kollel lifestyle (I lived it for close to 10 years) but not with this nonsense of the parents being the only ones who sacrifice to pay for it. The couple needs to learn to live frugally to make it work, not taking international trips.

essie14

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 7:07 am

fleetwood wrote:

I always find it weird"my couple" They are humans not objects!

It's so strange! I've never heard of anyone referring to their married children this way, except here on imamother. It must be cultural and regional.
You send your teen to the grocery store, who sends a married couple anywhere? And why are they "yours"?

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 7:22 am

One of my coworkers is from an old time Lakewood family and she said none of them went on big international bein hazmanim trips.
Her youngest sibling recently got married and she was shocked when she heard they are going to the alps and then to Eretz Yisroel.

amother

Gladiolus

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:00 am

I agree with the poster upthread who said that the woman who asked the question just wanted OP to turn the question around and ask her.

Sometimes I come to work on Monday and my co-worker asks "how was your weekend?". That's a cue that she did something exciting on the weekend and is waiting for me to ask her. I would prefer if she would just open with "I did something exciting this weekend" and just say it but it's just her way.

amother

Oatmeal

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:19 am

The only time I've heard of anything remotely like this, is when couples live in Israel and are being supported, and parents have a pre -discussed list of who's paying for them to come back at which years.

amother

Clematis

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:20 am

The part that is silly is the way it was portrayed as a must-do and also a bit like a status symbol. This sounds over the top unless someone in the family gave a trip as a wedding gift or the couple was able to save up to take a trip. In our family, the grandparents gave the married children tickets to Israel as a honeymoon and the children paid for the rest of the expenses on their own. Otherwise, it was modest trips to cities in the US, which can be really nice as well.

amother

Starflower

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:39 am

amother Hyacinth wrote:

I'm curious how many of those would truly want to learn if they need to live frugally, and without designer name clothing and parent-funded lifestyle.

It's easy to want to learn on someone else's dime. You have the best of both worlds - who wouldn't that??

Chayalle

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 8:47 am

amother Hyacinth wrote:

I grew up in a JPF family and went to similar schools. We lived simply, my father was hard working, and we had great values. Most of the people I grew up with don't have these "send your couple on vacation" type of mentality. Many married Kollel/learning boys.

We were raised that when we got married we would be independent and make our own decisions, and we raised our kids that way too.

amother

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 9:11 am

Thank you everyone for validating my position.

My friend is a nice, normal person, but clearly runs in very different circles, where these things are standard fare. And yes, the "your couple", "my couple " irked me as well, as if they were some sort of commodity.
But then when I heard that my own married nephew and niece (from two different families) also traveled out of the country, I started to wonder how common this is. I assume it's very community dependant. Now that I think of it, it's not just the married couples. These same parents also send their kids on these summer tours to Europe and Morroco which are becoming more commonplace.

BH, my "couple" has no expectations and planned their own bein hazemanim without my input.
My daughter is frugal and hard working and has been saving money since she was a young teenager.

My favorite response was the person who said that she won't send anyone somewhere she hasn't checked out herself. LOL

amother

Forsythia

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 9:38 am

amother Carnation wrote:

I hear it’s a thing with the ramat eshkol crowd. Many traipsing off to Dubai and other international destinations during Bein HaZmanim.

Maybe that's true but most of them are paying for it themselves, their parents or in-laws are not sending them off on an all expenses paid vacation.

amother

Hydrangea

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 9:56 am

amother Forsythia wrote:

Maybe that's true but most of them are paying for it themselves, their parents or in-laws are not sending them off on an all expenses paid vacation.

Also Dubai's not all that far from EY, it's the equivalent of a couple from NY going to Miami on vacation

zaq

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 10:01 am

The rich are different from you and me. Some folks buy their kids houses. Big ones. Some give, not lend, a down payment. Some lend a down payment or part of a down payment. Some pay the kids' rent, some give them a set monthly sum, some give a hundred dollars now and then for an occasion, some send a kugel once a week and some do none of the above. It's all a matter of resources, culture and personality. You do you. Your friend is either the product of a privileged upbringing and can't see past her clueless nose, or she was showing off.

When people ask you things like this, develop selective deafness, miss the question entirely and turn the tables by asking lots of questions and making admiring comments about THEM. "You sent you kids to the French Riviera? How generous of you, I hope they appreciated! Why davka there? Have you been? What did they bring you back from there? Where did they stay? What did they do about minyanim? Did they go to the beach? Are there gender-segregated beaches there? Did they take pictures? SO nice of you, your sil/dil lucked out when it came to mils, that's so wonderful, but of course you always were exceptionally thoughtful, that's one of the things people admire about you blablabla.