Do you believe in the supporting?

amother

Feverfew

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 10:00 pm

I got married at age 18, my husband was learning.
Our parents split the first 2 months of rent and my parents gave us meats and produce (they are in the industry) for one year. I consider that support, but I don't think most people do.

I don't think we were toddlers. I am grateful that my parents "married me off" (hate that term) so young so that I could experience puppy love with the love of my life.

We learned to do with less. We quickly used our wedding money for basic expenses, budgeted, and we lived in a tiny basement until my husband started working 2 years in.

That being said, I would love to support my children if possible. So yes, I believe in supporting, but I also don't think that parents who can't support are cruel or neglectful. Is marrying young yet another thing that is going to be reserved for only the wealthy nowadays? I would hate that.

amother

NeonGreen

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 10:07 pm

amother Daffodil wrote:

What choice is there?

In our culture children are married off when they are practically still toddlers. We can’t expect them to support themselves right from the start.

What a twisted system

I was practically a toddler when I got married (chassidish). Nobody supported us. Dh and I both came into the marriage with zero savings.
I worked and he got about $400 a month from Kollel if they paid on time (which they never did).
We managed. We made it work.
Is it possible the salary to expense ratio was less back then? Almost 20 years ago.
I don't know.
Dh went out to work after our first baby was born. Now b"h he has worked his way up and he earns nicely.

I don't see how it's practical for one set of parents to pay for multiple children's weddings and also support for a few years. How??
Are you all millionaires?
I just don't see how the numbers add up.

amother

Sunflower

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 10:08 pm

amother Jean wrote:

In my opinion The whole support thing is one of the main factors driving the shidduch crises. If you can’t support a family don’t put a ring on it.

That doesn't explain the many girls who are JPF/MO/yeshivish but looking for a working guy types who have been struggling to find a shidduch in the past decade or more.
I think the shidduch crisis was first noticeable in the yeshivish world, because 20 years ago, most of their girls married by age 21/22 at the latest, so it was surprising when suddenly we started to note 23/24/25 year old single yeshivish girls, who would not have stood out so much had they been JPF or MO. Look around now and you'll see, the older single situation cuts across all sectors and is not noticeably greater only for those looking for a kollel life style.

As far as op's question, I think you can't have it both ways. If you want to encourage young couples to be independent, you can't have them marry till at least one is old enough to have a decent job.

amother

Lightpink

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 11:00 pm

Assuming you are able and they are needy, why not?
Lets ask the opposite- if elderly parents need financial help - would you give it? Also assuming you are able. ( this is of course hypothetical)
Isnt covering the essentials for the young couple a form of tzedaka? (Not referring to sending the young couple to Italy....)

What bothers me more is the Shidduch process that forces parents to make financial committments beyond their abilities.
What happens after the wedding, when the parents can't afford to abide by their committments?
Are parents allowed to promise support of a higher level than they can afford and later renege? Is this a false promise?

amother

Lavender

Thu, Aug 17 2023, 11:39 pm

In theory not in the it's a given they should expect way.

In reality, since I'd like them to marry at the appropriate age, if I have the means, whether to finish preparing their education or to support a true learner short term, it is practical and makes sense.

When both parents chip in to support, its not much different than another year or two of the kid being single to their parents.

But if its entitled children then I don't believe in it at all. That is disgusting.

amother

Honey

Fri, Aug 18 2023, 3:09 am

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

I got married at 20 dh was 22. The first few months I was working and he was unemployed ( still upset about it) and we were not supported. We managed just fine with only my salary 3k a month.
I do not plan to support my children but I would like to help give them things like food (I order wholesale) stroller, paying for bris etc. but that’s because I like giving presents.
My oldest isn’t five yet so it’s long way to go

Your upset about something that was at least 4 years ago? Let it go. It not worth your emotional health to hold onto this. Is your husband employed now?

amother

Coral

Fri, Aug 18 2023, 3:14 am

No one supported us or helped us at all and we are not in a community where this is done. DH and I were both financially stable when we got married. We pay the university tuition for our children and then they go to work. So far none are married yet. We may help with a down payment on a home but no monthly support.

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Aug 18 2023, 6:50 am

I would like to say no - I got married pretty recently at 26 after living on my own and my parents did not provide any financial support...except that they contributed to setting up my household, paid for my entire wedding, and paid for all the degrees that now enable me to support myself.

Parents always support their children, in one way or another.

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Aug 18 2023, 6:58 am

I was not supported. My parents would sometimes give us gifts , my in laws couldn’t give us much. My husband learned I worked .We lived very very simply paycheck to paycheck and used our wedding money.
We support our married couples. BH. We support kollel annd higher education
Our kids in kollel really learn and don’t live over the top lives.
Our kids in college/higher education work hard in school and learn in their spare time and don’t live over the top.
I think hard work is an important ethic , we did it and I’m happy to see our kids do it too.
I’m grateful we can support them and grateful they use the money responsibly.

amother

Khaki

Fri, Aug 18 2023, 7:33 am

I believe in partial support if the couple is young and/or husband is in kollel. I got married 4 years ago and both dh and I have atypical family situations. We received $700/mo in support total for just Shana rishona from a few different family members who wanted to help out and it made a huge huge difference.

Shana rishona is such a stressful time and I'd love to be able to help ease the stress.

My oldest is also 3 and we already have savings accounts for the kids so we can iyh help with larger life expenses down the line. We aren't able to add to it extremely consistently but dont knock the power of 20+ years of compound growth

LovesHashem

Fri, Aug 18 2023, 7:36 am

1. I don't think it should be expected.
2. I don't think it should be at the expense of the parents/and other children
3. I don't think you should go into debt or have a heart attack from stress for it.
4. I think you equally should put aside money and recourses for children to go to college/get a parnassah.

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Aug 18 2023, 7:45 am

If my children are going to start homes, they need to know it's on them, not their parents, to make it work.

I expect my daughter(s) to work with their husbands and pick a husband and lifestyle they can rely on with Hashem's help. I expect my son(s) to provide for their spouses/children with Hashem's help.

I ensure my kids have a HS diploma, know how to get more education/certifications/job placement, help to what extent I can, and I expect they will need a few years post HS to get on their feet---but I also don't expect them to be getting married before they can live independently. I certainly don't plan to have iyh any living with me once married---as my grandmother told me her MIL told her: "There's no kitchen big enough for 2 ladies."

amother

cornflower

Fri, Aug 18 2023, 8:13 am

I believe in long term learning. If that means being supported, then I'm for that. But it doesn't have to. It also doesnt have to come only from the girls side. When I was in school my in laws gave us a a couple hundred dollars a month which was so appreciated.

But I feel like we have a specific system- we're Chofetz Chaim. My friends and I (for the most part) support ourselves. When we were in college many of our parents helped out but most of us were in MA programs that allowed for full time jobs at the same time. Once we graduated our parents are not expected to give a dime. (Obviously no one is expected to either but then it's not realistic to get married yet). Our system is necessary because many of us go into klei kodesh so there is no money for supporting. (My parents are in klei kodesh but many of my friends grandparents are too. Where would support money come from?!)

We live simply (but pay a fortune in rent 😭), and make do. We're all in it together ans we do work a lot but its worth it. Also, it's pretty rare for a girl to start dating at 19 by us.

*When I say we're not supported I mean theres no significant check every month. Lots of people under 26 are on their parents insurance. Or have their phone, car insurance, random things paid for.

amother

Peony

Fri, Aug 18 2023, 8:39 am

amother Scarlet wrote:

No such thing in my community—young adults get a college degree, start a business, learn a trade, etc. No one gets married unable to support themselves and their spouse.

This is actually the Torah recommended way for the majority. We just turned things on its head.

PinkFridge

Fri, Aug 18 2023, 8:40 am

amother cornflower wrote:

Will the boys accept someone who wants to teach, or are the girls pressured to get advanced degrees for high paying jobs?