If you could go back in time.. What would you tell yourself?

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 1:08 pm

What would you tell yourself as a new parent? Please share your tips, tricks, regrets, and what you wish you knew before having a kid

amother

Watermelon

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 4:01 pm

oh my goodness so many things.
kids aren't in the way - they ARE the the way
chill, don't sweat the small stuff. how much does this thing really matter.
don't criticize for things they can't really help anyway no matter how much bother it caused you.
children are people with the same feelings and emotions as adults, just smaller.
not robots to be programmed and moved to where we want them when we want.
more warmth, more empathy - and therapy for me so I could heal and be the mother I want to be!
don't stop hugging and kissing them even when they aren't cute anymore.
(my kids are now ages 6-22)

amother

Red

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 9:02 pm

Dh is just not going to help in the way you want. Either accept that or come up with another solution on your own. Being mad isn't good for anyone. There might be a way to manage working part time and still give your child the love and care you value. Find a way to invite people for Shabbos. It's important to keep up your social network (although I did have a baby group, most of them were not Shomer Shabbos). Value and emphasize time that grandparents and great grandparents spend with your baby. They will not always be here. (I recognize that a number of these things are specific to me--women do work full time with new babies. Some dh do help significantly).

amother

Lemonlime

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 9:08 pm

Soothe yourself so you can soothe your child. Your baby crying doesn't mean your are a bad mother or that their world is falling apart. GET SUPPORT!

amother

Gold

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 9:08 pm

Be kind to yourself, most things are out of your control and accepting that things situation children aren't a reflection of you. Try your best that's it is what it is with lots of love and acceptance. It's really hard if you're a person like me

amother

Alyssum

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 9:16 pm

Oh my goodness so many things.
Take care of yourself, you aren't a better mother when you don't put your needs first.
Just do your thing, you are exactly the mother your kids need, don't compare yourself.

A little thing, I wish I switched to less toxic detergents, cleaning supplies and shampoos earlier, would have saved me so much aggravation

amother

Celeste

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 9:25 pm

Make sure you take care of yourself! Make one less kugel, order takeout if you need. Otherwise you will be burnt out. Kids need a healthy mother, and if you don’t nourish yourself you can’t nourish them. You can’t give from an empty bank.

amother

Amber

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 9:30 pm

amother Celeste wrote:

I'm a fairly new mother learning as I go along and I love this
I would feel so inadequate when I wouldn't get to do even a quarter on my to do list because I'd be so busy tending to my baby. I learnt to put only the minimum/ bare bone basics on my to do list and to be proud of any extra I got to do.

Alwaysmiling

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 10:02 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

Thanks!
I also switched to less toxic detergents etc after reading a health article. At this point I really miss those yummy scents and im slowly dropping one by one.
Can you share what happened in the long run in direct result of those detergents, shampoos?

ittsamother

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 10:07 pm

Alwaysmiling wrote:

I'm curious about this too. What happened?

amother

Red

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 10:36 pm

Later in life, you may wonder why you worried about something. Things that seem large now, probably won't later. Try to keep things in perspective.
Keep an eye out for ppd or (less concerning but still worthy of attention)what the nurses called "the milk blues." That's the hormones kicking in and yes, it's a real thing. I caught myself crying to my mother on the phone from the hospital. I never cried and I was a big girl with real life responsibilities at work. The combination of learning to nurse and the fear of how I would take care of this tiny baby was scary.

Make sure you have the help you need when you get home from the hospital. Don't try to go it alone. Call in friends, family, and any help you can afford. Sometimes it takes 3-4 adults to keep your house running, the people fed, clothes washed, and your infant cared for. If your community has a meal train, get someone to put you on it. If you would prefer to eat your own food, cook and freeze before giving birth (soups, pastas, chicken, meatballs). Save up a take out meal fund by putting away a little every week in advance.

Your relationship with your spouse is going to change dramatically. You will not have unlimited time and focus on your marriage. Try to do the work and spend time enjoying each other's company during the pregnancy. Later, you will be partners in the enterprise of baby care and you may be tag teaming it so you can each get sleep (or you may be night nursing while he is sleeping). If it is possible, talk over how you will support each other in advance. But also know that in the frenetic new parenthood stage with sleep deprivation, someone is going to say something they shouldn't. Also, have a rescue person (maybe your Mom, MIL, or sister) who can help bail you out when you simply cannot manage another minute. Be patient with your self and your body. Give yourself time to re-establish comfort with intimacy after the extremely hard work your body did and is doing to care for your baby. That, too, takes adjustment, patience, and humor! Do not be afraid to discuss these issues with dh.

amother

Ecru

Sun, Sep 17 2023, 10:54 pm

Toxic parents can mess up your relationship with your kid. I should have ended the relationship with my parents years earlier than I did.

Hire a mother's helper

Don't be so afraid of being abusive that you don't discipline at all.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 12:15 am

to test my baby's lead levels earlier, and not to push it off just because we live in new construction. I wish I had known earlier.

amother

Topaz

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 1:01 am

Don't think you are missing out on being with your friends when you are stuck home with a baby or toddler. Enjoy this time, it's unique and the more time you spend with your child, the more you'll have in common with them in the future.

amother

Hibiscus

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 1:17 am

Don't wait to take care of your urgent needs until baby stops crying or falls asleep. It might not happen so soon and you are also important. You can go to the bathroom or get a drink of water or get a plate of food and reassure baby verbally for those 2 minutes. Mounting resentment doesn't make you a better mother.

If a child is not responding as you expect, your parenting methods might be the wrong ones for this child. If they are more wild, demanding, uncooperative, or whatever, there may be a better way to handle them. Ask around! Raising Your Spirited Child, Nurtured Heart, The Explosive Child all have alternative ways for kids that are more intense.

Don't stress so much. It's okay to make mistakes. You don't have to measure up to societal expectations or your own vision all the time. Being a mother should be mostly wonderful and part stressful, not the other way around. If the stress is too much, change something. It's usually easier than you think.

Don't catastrophize or prophesize. A six year old that lies is not necessarily going to grow up as a pathological liar. Just deal with the now, don't panic so much about the future (you're probably wrong about it anyhow).

AlwaysGrateful

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:19 am

If you try something that works for "everyone" (sleep training, early potty training, etc.) and it doesn't work for you, give it a decent amount of effort...but then STOP! The technique might not be working for your kid, or the timing isn't right, but either way, it's not worth making both of you miserable because you're "supposed" to do something because everyone says you should.

Don't get too attached to one specific parenting method. You read about it, it sounds great, you're trying it...and it just doesn't seem to be working. There are other methods out there that might work better for this child, or for your relationship, or for your circumstances right now. Or it might be that the method you read about works perfectly...sometimes. Just because you have a great hammer, doesn't mean that every problem is a nail. Sometimes it's a screw. Find yourself a good screwdriver too. (These first two seem similar, but I learned them at different times in my parenting journey.)

Being a mommy means taking advice from other people but also listening to yourself. (See above.) It means listening to your child about what s/he needs, but also listening to yourself. Both are similar. You will hear a lot about validating your child's feelings, about not forcing your opinions on them, about not treating them in a way that you wouldn't treat a fellow adult. But the thing is that Hashem made you your child's mother, not your child's friend. Kids are little and don't have the life experience that we do. Just because your child is 100% sure he NEEDS a cookie, or more time at his friend's house even though you want to go home, or to do something that will make a mess when you don't have the bandwidth to deal with it...doesn't mean that you have to agree with him and let him. It does mean that you should consider it, and not just say "no" without thinking. But keep in mind that every "yes" means that you're saying "no" to something else. So saying yes to your child who wants to stay and play might mean saying "no" to having a relaxed walk with him home or to having a happy pre-naptime routine -- because you'll have to rush home or he'll be overtired and crying when you try to get him in for a nap. Saying yes to your child who wants to play a messy game when you don't have the bandwidth for it might mean saying "no" to a calm mommy for the rest of the day because you'll have used up all your patience too early. It's a tightrope: Don't say no just because "I said so," but don't say yes just because you're scared to say no and act like the adult.

Also, taking help from other people is not a sign of weakness. When my first was born, I told my parents, in-laws, neighbors, anyone else that I was fine, I didn't need anything. I felt like I needed to do it all myself, otherwise I wasn't really mommying my child. I needed to prove to myself that I could handle it, otherwise I was just a little kid playing mommy. With time, I learned that taking help when it is offered can help me to be a much better mommy in the long run.

Whew, I have a lot I wish I could tell my younger self!

Last edited by AlwaysGrateful on Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:22 am; edited 2 times in total

amother

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:19 am

Wow, these are all really great responses, thanks to everyone who commented. Please keep them coming!

ShishKabob

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 10:21 am

If your child doesn't listen to you or says something uncomplimentary, don't take it personally at all. Just state what you want or answer them in a calm matter of fact way without letting yourself get upset at them. They are just in the learning phase and don't let them get your goat.

amother

Oxfordblue

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 10:25 am

Go back to therapy while you have little kids. Not because you necessarily need psychoeducation or to learn how to do things (since you already put in that work) but because when you grew up with neglect and abuse and then have kids very young, you go from never being taken care of to taking care of very needy little people. And you'll need that experience of sitting for an hour a week with a warm and caring person who is just there for YOU.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 10:31 am

Trust your instincts. Even when other well meaning, more experienced people tell you otherwise.

And just love and hug your kids. Whatever your style is. They won't be spoiled from extra hugs or kisses.

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