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amother

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 11:04 pm

I didn’t write the letters PSA in the title because I know some people have an aversion to it.
But please, I beg you, when you see mothers shopping with teenagers and you’re in their vicinity (also shopping with teens) keep your mouth completely shut unless if asked for your opinion. Okay, it’s fine if you say “wow, you look beautiful“ or “that’s a pretty skirt, where did you find it?” Even if no one asked. But don’t start saying your opinion on the size or length or color or ask why we’re taking this and not that if no one asked you anything.

I literally had this today. Was out with my teenager. Confidence is not her first or middle name. A random woman near the mirror didn’t stop commenting with useless comments and just confusing us and ruining our shopping experience. If it wouldn’t be a day after RH I’d probably tell her to shut up because that’s exactly what I was thinking. Instead, I smiled and nodded and explained and instead of being exhausted from shopping with one teen I had to deal with 2 opinions at once. My daughter went from being excited about a skirt to losing her confidence after the woman’s questions and comments. She was probably trying to be helpful but she was anything but! Please, don’t say anything if you are not asked! Thank you. Vent over.
In case you’re wondering, we did take that skirt but she was more excited about it before that woman opened her mouth. I’d appreciate if she’d leave the store happy after the time and money we spent shopping. So no, you did not help us by stating your unhelpful opinion. Okay, now the rant is really over.
Please be kind in your responses. I shopped with a teen today. In the rain. I’m tired.

amother

DarkGreen

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 11:06 pm

wow. that's a hard experience.
the only thing I'd ever say to a stranger is something complimentary. I'm sorry you went thru such an experience. uncalled for.

amother

DarkPurple

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 11:06 pm

Agreed. As a bigger busted woman I can’t tell you the amount of people think they need to comment on my size

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 11:11 pm

I never comment to anyone.

Except... when I was a kallah and I was on a totally different planet. I went to a gown Gemach and another kallah was there too. She tried on this unique gorgeous gown with an elaborate cummerbund and it looked like it was made for her. I told her so. Then she tried on (at the Gemach director's insistence) the new wraparound gown style they had recently gotten in. She looked pretty in it, but the other one looked much more "her." (I never met her before.) And again I told her so... I remember her mother's eyebrows raising at my comments.

If you are here, dear kallah who must be married almost 20 years now, I hope you got that first gown! It looked gorgeous on you! And please be mochel me for not keeping my mouth shut.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 8:34 am

amother Dahlia wrote:

I never comment to anyone.

Except... when I was a kallah and I was on a totally different planet. I went to a gown Gemach and another kallah was there too. She tried on this unique gorgeous gown with an elaborate cummerbund and it looked like it was made for her. I told her so. Then she tried on (at the Gemach director's insistence) the new wraparound gown style they had recently gotten in. She looked pretty in it, but the other one looked much more "her." (I never met her before.) And again I told her so... I remember her mother's eyebrows raising at my comments.
If you are here, dear kallah who must be married almost 20 years now, I hope you got that first gown! It looked gorgeous on you! And please be mochel me for not keeping my mouth shut.

I relate to the mother’s reaction...
Interesting you remember this incident from 20 years ago. Is this why you don’t comment anymore?

amother

Arcticblue

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 8:36 am

I don't know what it is about women together getting dressed that lets the tongue go loose.... I think we've all experienced it!

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 8:40 am

amother Arcticblue wrote:

I don't know what it is about women together getting dressed that lets the tongue go loose.... I think we've all experienced it!

It’s not even getting dressed together. There are separate dressing rooms but larger mirrors outside the rooms so that’s where the action happens.

hodeez

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 8:43 am

Whaaaat? Never had this before what is wrong with people

amother

Arcticblue

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 8:44 am

hodeez wrote:

Whaaaat? Never had this before what is wrong with people

I had this all the time as a teen. Where'd you grow up 😉

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 8:45 am

hodeez wrote:

Whaaaat? Never had this before what is wrong with people

Then I guess you haven’t shopped with teens yet. Smile

amother

Sienna

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 8:47 am

I hate that the mirrors are outside the dressing rooms for this reason. Even the workers comment and it’s uncomfortable. I get they’re trying to be helpful lol but I sure know what size or length skirt I am or need to get — and I am 29 years old.

amother

Wallflower

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 8:57 am

I'm really sorry for your experience. Sometimes in the moment it's hard to know what to do. But know for next time that you do have a choice to just not engage with her and mumble ummhmmm and shrug your shoulders and not respond. If u know your teen is sensitive, you can choose to appear rude to protect your child. I know it's hard in the moment.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 8:59 am

amother Sienna wrote:

There are mirrors in the small rooms as well but my teen wants my opinion and I can’t see it well if I squish into her tiny room.
Workers usually only comment if you ask for their help. I never do. They’re too busy helping those who want their help.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 8:59 am

amother Wallflower wrote:

I am not good at being rude but I should probably learn!

Chayalle

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:10 am

I was shopping at a sale about a month ago, and tried on a certain dress (I didn't take it, it was too tight) and a woman came over to me and said to me - just so you know, that's a very young style, and I saw some teens getting that dress.

Like I'm some sort of fashion dodo. Only her opinions and choices count.

Just so you know, Mrs. I-don't-need-your-help-with-my-shopping-choices-thank-you-very-much, every single time I shop in any store in town, ANYONE could be buying whatever it is I buy....so I make my choices based on whether I like it, and how it looks on me, without worrying about anyone else. I certainly don't need your opinion.

amother

Dahlia

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 11:35 am

amother OP wrote:

I relate to the mother’s reaction...
Interesting you remember this incident from 20 years ago. Is this why you don’t comment anymore?

LOL, no it's just totally not my style. I'm shy and never talk to strangers and it usually would never occur to me to comment on their clothing.

But apparently being a kallah brought out a very different side of me!

amother

Petunia

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 12:26 pm

I will sometimes compliment a fellow shopper if they look particularly striking in something. Is that unwanted? I would feel good if someone told me that something looked really nice.

I will also sometimes ask other shoppers for opinions since I don't usually go with someone else, and the salesladies will just encourage you to buy what you're trying on even if it's unflattering.

amother

Hyacinth

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 1:19 pm

I think if I saw someone looking very indecisive, especially if they were shopping by themselves. You know when you're looking in the mirror from every angle, over and over because you just don't know. I might then offer a compliment, such as the color/style/fit looks great on you. But only ever something positive and complimentary.

Cheiny

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 2:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

What exactly did this woman say? Was she insulting? It’s hard to understand from your post what her comments were like.

Tzutzie

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 2:24 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

But please only if it's true.

I've complimented poeple in the dressing area. Everyone is so self conscious there. Some genuine positive words and a kind smile always helps. Comments you should absolutely keep to yourself.
I remember ONE time I told a mother quietly something.
Her teen was trying on a bunch of stuff and she looked horrible. She was such a pretty girls with such a average fit I was boggled why the sales lady gave her such old looking clothing. She gave her mostly khakis ans greens and it made her look sick. But those colors where the trend that season....
The mother wasn't happy. The teen wasn't happy and kept muttering she looks horrible. I felt so bad. And the sales lady kept telling her how perfect the clothing was (it wasn't!)
I commented quietly to the mother that there's a teens rack with some cute colorful stuff at the other end of the store. (It was probably not the trendy stuff but who cares) She went to look and came back with a fresh look and a ton of stuff to try. I don't know if/what she bought at the end. Becuase I left soon after. But she thanked me on my way out. I did see her try on a few things and the kid actually looked like she liked some.
Since then I always know to not go to that sales lady.

Teens are so so so so delicate. You have to be extra extra careful.

My 10 year old started commenting on her beauty mark on her face. (Which I love btw, adds to her character. But still tiny and subtle) They need so much positive (and true) compliments and reinforcements. Not nrgative or even just stam comments to make them feel self conscious.

I got into the habit of every morning, before my kids leave, I tell them home good, fresh, "tzamgeniman" (who has a good translation for this word) and pretty they look in their outfit and then I say, "but really, you'd look good in anything anyways...." and it's true.
When they try on clothing that doesn't compliment them, I never say, that looks horrible, (I'll never forget when I shopped and my aunt told me how horrible I looked in a top. Her face and words stayed w me for a long long time) I'll say, "its 'ok', but you could look much much better than this, let's try something else.
I'm hoping my kids won't struggle with it as much as I did.

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