Ds 26 yo came for succos walks without yarmulke

amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:39 pm

He is not completely otd but doesn’t like to wear a yarmulke. Maybe sensory also but mostly just doesn’t think it important. Would you tell him to wear it outside in a very frum neighborhood? He did wear it to shul when he went or to eat out with us at our rabbi’s house. I asked him few times and he did put it on but if I don’t mention it he walks out in front of our small neighborhood without a yalmulke. We live OOT. Wwyd?

amother

Opal

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'd let him do whatever he wants. He's an adult he can make his own choices. Although it's very nice that he was respectful and wore it to the ranks house and shul

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:42 pm

He's 26, you can ask nicely once then ignore. The alternative would be not inviting him but I'm sure you value your relationship more than how others view you

BrisketBoss

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:46 pm

What's the problem? Are you worried what the neighbors will think of you? Technically it is a custom and he is not openly breaking halacha.

amother

Ginger

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:58 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

What's the problem? Are you worried what the neighbors will think of you? Technically it is a custom and he is not openly breaking halacha.

I don't see how this helps OP unless she's sefardi where in some communities they don't hold if wearing a kippa at all times
Everywhere else a kippa is part of the dress code and it's hard to digest it when a grown man chooses not to wear it.
I'm sorry OP, just sympathizing. Loads of hugs.

imasinger

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:04 pm

I suggest you speak with a kiruv rav or a rav who's experienced with working with out of the box kids.

Key questions:.

- Are you more worried about what the neighbors will think, or more worried about his theology?

- Is it just that you wish he didn't always need a reminder, or is it that he chooses to decline when you remind him?

- If you are concerned with what he doesn't think is important, what conversations have you had with him about your own hashkafa?

amother

NeonOrange

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:05 pm

Can he wear a cap? Some boys in my area do that. I dont know what kind of community you live in.

amother

Chicory

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:09 pm

What would happen if you tell him that he needs to follow the rules in your house which is that all males are to wear the yarmulke indoors and outdoors. So if he lives in or stays at your house he must wear the yarmulke at all times. What would happen if you say it?

Ema of 5

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:09 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

It’s sometimes easier to not be hurt by the action and the judgement when one keeps in mind that, at least in this thing, he is not actually breaking halacha.

Last edited by Ema of 5 on Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:20 pm; edited 2 times in total

life is fun

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:40 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

I personally think that's its a bit risky, depending on a dc, they might feel not accepted for who they are and therefor stop going home if they feel forced to wear a capple .
I know it's really painful when this happens and we wish that dc can be just normal like the neighbours, but we aren't in control!!!

amother

Obsidian

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:42 pm

amother Chicory wrote:

When I was 26 - any sentence from my parents that started with "the rules are" would not have ended well.

amother

Arcticblue

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:47 pm

life is fun wrote:

This. 👆🏻

It’s not worth to demand house rules from 26 years old over a kippa. Pick your battles.
I’d rather my son goes around without the kippa or tzitzis but knowing he’s welcome home then leaving and being pushed even further away.

amother

Ginger

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 7:57 pm

Ema of 5 wrote:

It’s sometimes easier to not be hurt by the action and the judgement when one keeps in mind that, at least in this thing, he is not actually breaking halacha.

I don't think OP was even talking about judgement, that's a closed case. Speaking as an aunt to a precious nephew who no longer wears a kippa, and a sister to his father who tries so hard to get past it, this really doesn't help.
Do you know why Jews cover their heads? It's not only about Halacha or mitzvot, he is denouncing something sacred in Judism. It hurts.

amother

Obsidian

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:01 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

Except that it isn't sacred - that is the point she's making. Its a visual statement never the less - which is why many OTD kids / adults who aren't specifically trying to upset their parents will wear a kippa in their presence, because even though its a 'charade' it makes things a tad more comfortable for the parent..

amother

Geranium

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:04 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

Yes it hurts very mvery much.
Speaking as an x wife of a dh who no stopped keeping yiddishkeit and it was soo tough.

amother

Ginger

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:06 pm

amother Obsidian wrote:

Sacred doesn't only mean the mitzvot. It means any symbolic thing Jews do.
Many people have faced discrimination in covering their heads, does that not make it something sacred?
A kippa is sacred in what it symbolizes.

amother

Obsidian

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:09 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

No - that's not how Kodesh/Kedusah works.

Symbols aren't Kodesh. Discrimination doesn't make something kodesh either.

amother

Ginger

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 8:13 pm

amother Obsidian wrote:

No - that's not how Kodesh/Kedusah works.

Symbols aren't Kodesh. Discrimination doesn't make something kodesh either.

A kippa is Kodesh. If it wasn't why do men wear it? Not for decoration purposes I think. And trust me, their hair would look much nicer without this thing perched on it.