Bris outfit borrowed, came back filthy

amother

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 6:24 am

Hi,
I offered my friend to borrow my bris outfit because I know how chaotic the week is and hard to find a time to shop. I told her to be careful with it and to not put in dryer. Anyways she pushed returning it for awhile and I finally said I’ll come pick it up. I got it back and it was filthy. Yellow stains everywhere not just blood. Trying my best to take it out but I don’t understand why she didn’t say anything or own up to it. I don’t know if I should ask her to buy us a new one or if that will ruin the friendship. Feeling super frustrated and disappointed. I thought that outfit would be the type my great grandchildren wore and would be in our family forever.

Elfrida

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 6:28 am

She was probably embarrassed, and hoping to deal with it before giving it back to you. Unfortunately, with a new baby, finding extra time for delicate laundry isn't easy.

The yellow stains are probably because he was spitting up.

amother

Amaranthus

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 6:30 am

So nice of you to lend it to a friend at such a hectic time. If you had wanted it to stay in your family forever, then probably better not to lend it out.
Yes asking her to replace it could ruin the friendship. I am sure the stains are upsetting to you, I'd also be annoyed.
Chances are she feels very self conscious about the state it came back to you, which may explain her delay in return.
Would have been nice of her to clean or explain the stains. Call it a kaparah and try move on.
Im yirtza Hashem your family should have many future simchas to use it for, and you can either clean it, replace it or remind yourself that the friendship was more important than a fuss.

teachkids

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 6:37 am

Soak in oxiclean, wash, put it out in the sun

Elfrida

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 6:49 am

I'm just wondering how many of your children have actually worn it? The truth is, very few outfits are made of a quality that they will last generations, and even with good quality, accidents happen. With all the pressure of the day, changing clothes doesn't always happen straight away.

I would let go of your dream of an heirloom bris outfit, and if you want an heirloom, go for something that is easier to preserve. I know one family who have a bris pillow, and the names of all the babies are embroidered on it. The great grandmother looks after it, and makes sure it is clean and cared for between uses. But the point is, the baby is only on it for a short period, so there's less risk of damage.

amother

Trillium

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 7:18 am

When I lend bris outfits I tell moms to bring it back stained but asap. The only way I can get out the stains is if I could treat it right away.

Don’t make your friend pay for it. It is expected that they get dirty (but if mom knows that you need it back stained but right away they will bring it back to you sooner).

Instead when you buy a new one for your great grandchildren to wear one day, you’ll be getting extra zchusim for not embarrassing your friend. And don’t lend it anymore.

amother

Viola

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 7:35 am

The yellow could be an antiseptic that the mohel used. Both that and the blood aren't mom's fault.

It stinks that this happened, but IMO it's not fair to ask mom to pay, because Brit outfits usually get dirty and mom has no control over it.

DrMom

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 7:36 am

If you plan to reuse it, you should ask her to pay for you to get it dry-cleaned.

mfb

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 7:38 am

The Gemach that gives one out near me has the parents return it asap and dirty. I guess she has her way to get out the stains and it’s much easier when done right away

happy7

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 8:04 am

When I lend out bris outfits, I ask for them back dirty.

When I bought one, the store owner told me to put hydrogen peroxide on all the stains.

Then you can soak it overnight in water and dish soap.

You will get out all the yellow stains.

Don’t say anything to the person. It’s not worth the $100.

amother

Darkblue

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 8:37 am

amother Viola wrote:

The yellow could be an antiseptic that the mohel used. Both that and the blood aren't mom's fault.

This. My husband is a mohel. They use a yellow powder to stop the bleeding, but it can get very messy. It's really not the mom's fault. The only problem is that it should have been soaked and cleaned within 24-48 hours to avoid having the stain set in. Most gemachs ask for the outfits to be returned dirty and promptly so that the owner can clean it in the proper manner.
But hopefully it will still come out.

galpal

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 9:02 am

We had one in the family and thought, how nice for the next generation… but new daughter in laws don’t really want to put new baby in old outfit from hubby!

amother

Pink

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 9:04 am

amother Trillium wrote:

Im so sorry OP. This is super frustrating and disappointing. I still think there are things you can do to get it out. Oxy soak, sun, etc.

Please focus on your item being used at one of our holiest times. The baby's cries at a bris open the shaarei shamayim, and the beged that clothed his tears should carry your tefilos to the kisei hakovod ti be answered litova.

The unfortunate reality is you offered to lend an outfit to a newborn for his bris. This is a dirty age and a dirty event. Piling on, the mother has a newborn and is really not on top of her game. Im sorry you didnt consider this before, but it is the situation you stepped into. I think when you lend in this situation you need to be accepting ofvthe very real risks.

In the future, probably best not to lend.

--------
As a reality check for you on how ppl w bris gemachs operate:

By my most recent boy I was talking to an aquiatence neighbor who told me she has a bris outfit gemach and would love for my baby to wear her outfit. As this was not my first boy, I declined her kind offer as I know they get dirty from blood, spit up, leaky diapers and did not want that stress and responsibility my life right after a bris.

She said, nope, dont stress about that mess, all normal. Shes seen everything and she knows the baby will mess. She'll wash it and will even drop off and come pick it up the night of the bris ("its part of the sevice" - granted I live close by.) I said I feel bad, ill wash, and she said this way she knows its washed right away and treated properly. Fyi, the outfit had blood, spit up, ointment, and leaky diaper stains. That baby nailed everything.

I borrowed years ago (15+) from a gemach and was also told to return that night unwashed. I presume for the same reason. I found the "returning" to be pretty stressful though so didnt borrow again.

amother

Foxglove

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 9:20 am

galpal wrote:

We had one in the family and thought, how nice for the next generation… but new daughter in laws don’t really want to put new baby in old outfit from hubby!

My mother saved the bris outfit her son's wore, for the "grandkids". No one is interested in using it...

flowerpower

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 9:23 am

I learnt that whatever I lend- books, food ingredients, any item…. I only give it if I truly don’t need
It back. Otherwise I don’t lend it. I’ve gotten back torn books, broken stuff, or never got it back at all.

amother

Gold

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 10:59 am

I don’t think it’s her fault, and I don’t think it’s fair to ask her to replace it. There is a general expectation that a bris outfit will get stained and dirty, and you should have been upfront about when she needed to return it (immediately without cleaning) so you could make sure it was taken care of. It’s not fair to expect a new mom in recovery to be doing laundry within 2 days of a bris, any longer than that the stains already might be past saving

At the end of the day it’s a lesson learned- if something is very special, expensive, sentimental or important: you don’t lend it out. There’s always risks that things can be lost or damaged.

Also I’m not sure how replacing it would really change anything, if the whole point was one outfit that all the children wear. It’ll just be a new outfit that no one has worn..

justforfun87

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 11:25 am

I am sorry that happened. I am so grateful my local gmach asked for it to be returned dirty and NOT to wash it. Between the poop and bleeding a ton it looked like a crime scene.

amother

Nasturtium

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 11:39 am

I live away from family and honestly did not even know there was such a thing as bris outfit till I had my first son. My mom drove me crazy it that my son NEEDS to wear one by his bris. I got one from a gemach and in all the hustle and bustle of the bris and the baby is anyway covered in blankets in all the pics, there is not one picture of him where you see the outfit. My parents flew out immediately after the bris and dh went to work and I was beyond tired and super upset that I had to go return the stupid outfit.

I had three boys since, I still live away from family and my other boys all wore regular simple stretchies by their brissim and it has made the day of the bris way easier for me! Once the kvatter looked at me funny cuz it was a blue and white striped stretchie not even a white one and I told her straight out I am stuck picking up and dropping off the bris outfit - no one offered to do it for me - no thank you he'll wear this!

amother

Stone

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 11:50 am

hydrogen peroxide

What is this?

amother

Lemonchiffon

Wed, Mar 06 2024, 11:53 am

Just remember when it's your grandchildren's brissim (and greatGCs) it will be THEIR mother dressing them and deciding what they want their baby to wear. THis is a funny expectation that you think they'll want this outfit you chose.