What’s the norm for having help after twins?

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 1:17 pm

I need help settling a debate. Someone I know had twins (already has a few kids prior to the twins) and expects her parents to pay for hired help for an entire year. Her parents are not super wealthy - they do have some money but they think that a year is a ridiculous amount of time to pay for full time help (I’m inclined to agree).
The mother of the twins is practically swearing that this is the norm when it comes to multiples.

So, moms of twins, how long did you have hired help?

(I’m not actually going to get involved with this fight but I want to know just to see if I’m right)

doodlesmom

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 1:19 pm

doodlesmom wrote:

Norm is what you can afford, and what the needs are…

Planning ahead for the year is unnecessary.

Parents can help but never must!

If help is a must. There are orgs.

amother

Wine

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 1:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

What have norms got to do with anything? It sounds like she's married a while already, why is she expecting her parents to pay for her help?

Each person takes what they feel they need and can afford. Not what they want and their parents can't afford.

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 1:21 pm

doodlesmom wrote:

Norm is what you can afford, and what the needs are…

Planning ahead for the year is unnecessary.

Parents can help but never must!

Oh, I fully agree with you. I’m just trying to figure out if the “NO ONE has help for less than a year when it comes to twins” is based on actual fact or it’s just this person being a little spoiled/entitled

amother

Chicory

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 1:24 pm

Help is based on what people can and want to spend. there is no way the norm is a year.
I have a few very close relatives with twins and they could not afford a year- and their parents most definitely could not afford a yet either.

amother

DarkOrange

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 1:38 pm

My friend who had twins and lots of other little kids bli ayin hara didn't get any parental help.
She did hire a night nurse to help her for a few weeks.
She's a super woman.

Another friend who had twins, her mother flew in to help her and stayed for about two months.

I don't know anyone who got help for a year.

But your friend must be drowning.
Expecting from her parents is not okay.
So-
Can your community pitch in?
Can people chip in to hire a baby nurse for a few weeks as a gift? Or cleaning help a few times a week?
Take the other kids out in the afternoon?
Lots of times there are funds available for this.

Speak to your rov or local tomchei shabbos type organization.

amother

Catmint

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 1:43 pm

To be honest, every single person I know except for one(!), no matter type or socioeconomic status had a live in or full time nurse for 6 months to a year following twins
(And I know a LOT of ppl with twins)
It’s a fortune though, twin nurses cost $1000/week, so not sure how everyone does it

smss

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 1:46 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

I only know a couple people with twins, but not one of them got a baby nurse at all. I think they all had family help for the first couple weeks though.

I am all for getting all the postpartum support you can but don't love the entitlement of "my parents must pay for this..."

amother

Catmint

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 1:48 pm

smss wrote:

Notice I didn’t say anything about entitlement or parental support. Only what I know
I know a lot of people with twins because I’m involved in post partum moms due to my job. This is what I’ve seen

amother

Black

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 1:52 pm

I had a full time nurse for 6 months. In the beginning my parents helped out, then we covered it. We prioritized the cost for us. It was not a luxury.

I had other kids and a business and without the help it would have been crazy.

amother

Hawthorn

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 1:56 pm

My sister had twins as her first. Moved in with my parents for about 2 months and tried out a few nurses but none were good so they gave up. After they moved back home they didn't have any help at home but did send the babies to daycare (call that child abuse if you want, but she had to go back to work)

amother

Pink

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:20 pm

Mom of twins here. They were my first. Got some sort of help for a week from dysfunctional mom and then was on my own. No help

One year is insane op. Sorry. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I can hear two three months maybe if you are able.

amother

Pink

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:22 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

Hey catmint this seems like a lie. What country is this? I too know many with twins here in Lakewood never heard of this. Sorry.

smss

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:22 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

I know, that part of my post was in response to OP's original question. Not what you said.

amother

Catmint

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:26 pm

amother Pink wrote:

Hey catmint this seems like a lie. What country is this? I too know many with twins here in Lakewood never heard of this. Sorry.

A lie???
Wow.
I didn’t advocate for it
I didn’t say how people afford it
I didn’t say if it’s good or bad
I do know MANY MANY twin moms of all socioeconomic levels due to my profession and this is what I observed
Accusing me of lying because it doesn’t fit with your lived experience or a specific narrative?
Choose your words better
And I live in Lakewood

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:26 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

I don’t live in the same state as her so I can’t speak for the community. In addition to whatever help her parents will be paying for, her siblings have been helping with the other kids. She already has twice a week cleaning help that her in-laws pay for.
I’ve personally been ordering dinner for the family once a week for 6 weeks

amother

Pink

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:26 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

Her parents are under no obligation to pay for anything. If she wants help she should pay for it herself.

Yes and op if you are the mom here hen no guilt!! Your job was done twenty years ago…