Sahm vs Working moms. Why all the hype?

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 2:37 am

Seriously, what's it all about?
Why's this topic so emotionally charged?
It should be a fact. Either 'I work' or 'I don't work'. With no snobiness, proving that your is better, feeling smug that you 'chose' to work or not to work (most don't chose-just do what circumstances dictate). I had my 1st five kids in 5 years. I didn't work then. Not because I was idealistic, not bc I'm a 'true bas Yisroel' (quote from imamother) etc. Simply bc daycare was expensive and I wd've come home with zero paycheck. Fact, plain & simple. Did I judge someone with the same no/age kids who did work? No. Maybe her DH worked from home. Maybe her MIL paid for daycare. Or babysat. Maybe she came home with zero paycheck but felt stimulated after someone else looked after her kids & was able to be be a better mom bc of that.
If someone makes a decision to work or not to work or her life's circumstances dictate that she workes or doesn't, let it go. Why get on your soapbox to defend your choice or pull down other peoples choice?

amother

Ebony

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 2:52 am

Because people like to make themselves feel good/better about what they do. So they go around calculating how what they are doing is best. Usually without real analysis.

s c

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 3:01 am

Completely agree. That there seems to be so much judgement and even resentment towards women who choose to stay at home with their kids even on a frum site like this, has been quite shocking to me over the years.

nicole81

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 4:06 am

s c wrote:

I think a lot of it has to do with the language. For example, you're looking at it as a choice. For many women, there is no choice. They have to work to keep a roof over their heads. It's easy to be resentful when women are going on about the choice to stay home and you have no choice. The poster after you, the OP, also called it a choice. Maybe instead of calling it a choice, call it a bracha. I think that not acknowledging that you're fortunate enough to be in a position to make the decision to stay home and assuming women choose to work, when many wish they didn't have to, is at the root of the resentment for some.

s c

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 4:16 am

nicole81 wrote:

Let me clarify that I meant choose as in when they look at their husbands and their lives and schedules it would not make sense for them to go out to work financially or for the wellbeing of the children . So not really a choice. But even for those for whom money is no object, why such open resentment? Let them enjoy their Bracha.

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 4:17 am

Some people, myself included, dont have a choice to go to work-as I said I would have come with zero parcheck. If someone brags that they stay home bc it's best for her kids, bc that's the only way to be a true Yiddishe mama or......(fill in the blank), then yes that's offensive & will get poeples acks up. Noone has the right to knock others, but to automatically diss anyone who stays home is wrong.

Fox

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 4:21 am

If someone is being obnoxious, just point out the research (and there's a lot of it) that there is a strong correlation between mothers working part-time and feeling satisfied and productive.

I do believe that women preparing for professions should honestly assess how family friendly a field is, but sometimes you can't find the perfect job that gives you everything. You survive, and your kids learn that life isn't perfect.

amother

Aster

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 4:36 am

My problem is that I get judged. Why? Maybe people just need a good therapist.
But I am judged for working. All of my Kids' issues are because I work apparently. Teachers tell me when they didn't realize my kid had same speech issues when I was a SAHM! Now we can afford speech therapy lol. Or when I am judged for not hosting lots of guests, making it to shiurim in the middle of the day, or volunteering.

I work to provide for my family. I can't afford life without it. And yeah I might enjoy the work but I also need the money and if I didn't need the paycheck I would either quit or severely cut back my hours.

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 4:36 am

I agree with OP that it shouldn't be called a choice, but a fact. I have brown eyes, U have blue eyes. I work, U are a Sahm.
If people wouldn't constantly defend & prove their position it would help. We need tto live, let live and support each other.
It used to bother me when I was told 'easy for u to make supper for a sick neighbour, babysit for your kimpeturin sister etc bc u don't work'. I was like 'HUH? It's not a mitzvah?'

Lemonade 2323

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 8:04 am

Yeah that does sound awful! Being home 24/7 with kids is full time plus, not even time for a toilet break sometimes let alone a coffee break-think it would bother me if I was told it's no big deal to do a chesed. I mean, how would they know?

Lemonade 2323

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 8:09 am

Continuing from my previous post, maybe it makes people feel better if there's a reason they can't do said chesed. But it's ok, H' doesn't expect u to do the same chesed as a Sahm-you're doing chesed for your fam by working.
Everyone should be secure in what they're doing, we'd see a lot less bashing.

amother

Candycane

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 9:07 am

lamplighter wrote:

Where I live the SAHMs get judged. Most people work, what do you do is the second question out of people's mouths.

Same. I worked till my oldest was about 5 and never felt judged. It was only after I became a sahm mom that I felt judged because everyone thought I had life SO easy and comfortable and I felt their jealousy. Meanwhile, I was drowning in motherhood at that point and wasn't finding much satisfaction from raising my very difficult children. My insecurity also played a big part 100% because my culture raised me to admire the supermoms who were able to have a career + raise 10 kids perfectly. I knew this was a treife hashkafa, but I couldn't uproot it from myself.
Now my youngest is 3.5 and in playgroup and I'm working very part time. I feel more of a balance now. But I'm still a little sad I couldn't find all my satisfaction from parenting.

amother

Gold

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 9:14 am

I view being a SAHM as way harder work than having a job. I would lose my mind being home with my babies all day. Some people can handle that or even enjoy it but I would hate it. I need a break from my kids.

lamplighter

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 9:30 am

amother Candycane wrote:

Exactly. The ideal isn't to be home with your kids (assuming you can afford it etc), the ideal is to have a career and be supermom to your 10 kids.

amother

Narcissus

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 9:45 am

In my world, there are 2 kinds of SAHM mothers who irritate and get comments back.
1) the clueless, concerned, condescension
I feel so bad for your kids that their mother never gets to volunteer at school
what's the point in having kids if you choose to send to daycare and not raise them
why can't you just not go to work
your child has his issue/diagnosis/challenge because you work and he knows he's not your priority

2) those who proudly game the system while other people pick up the shortfall.
Tuition cuts, tzedaka, Chessed, programs
All proud "I'm so smart, you're an idiot"

Don't do those things,and no one cares.

amother

Steel

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 9:45 am

As a working mom, I can speak for myself that I'm honestly jealous. I wish I could stay home with my kids, maternity leave is my most treasured time. When I find myself getting judgey, I usually have to leave a conversation because I know it's just my jealousy.
I also find it challenging to be held to the same standards as stay at home moms. When people raise eyebrows that I can't come to performances that are scheduled right in middle of the day if they aren't scheduled in advance, and that we don't do fun things on Sunday because that's when I have to do all the laundry and housework, and other things like that.

amother

Red

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 10:12 am

In my experience there are two kinds of people. Those who elevate themselves by elevating those around them , and those who elevate themselves by putting down those around them. Unfortunately the latter is much easier and more common. It is so much easier to feel good about yourself when you but down anyone different than yourself, so instead of respect what other people do, be it out of choice or necessity, just put down anyone different than you are and by definition you are now superior.

We see this on this site with haskafa as well.