Had a Rough time at PTA

amother

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 11:19 am

I went to PTA last night for my 13 year old daughter and came home completely drained.

I'm so worried about her. Parenting feels like a heavy emotional burden to carry.

My 13 year old is a typically fun, kind, sensitive and socially aware girl. Unfortunately she's in highly academic school, in a highly competitive academic class, and has been struggling hard to keep up. It's becoming more and more difficult for me to watch her struggle and to watch her confidence repeatedly get shot. She acts timid and stupid around the "top" girls, and I can see how bitterly hard she studies and how crushed she feels every time she gets a low grade.

Yes, I'm doing my part to instill confidence in her, to let her know that grades hardly matter, it's the middos that count, but there's a limit to how much I can help here, and I feel sad watching her struggle.

At a young age she received some speech therapy, occupational therapy and a bit of other help, however clearly it wasn't enough. I'm blaming myself for not doing more for her, such as getting the help she needed much sooner.

I am devastated at the comments I heard from her teachers yesterday. I can see how they value grades and confidence more than anything, even if many of them were quite sympathetic when I strongly advocated for my child. It was tough to hear that 'most girls in this class are doing really well, some are average and only about 3 girls are getting extremely low grades.' Of course my daughter is one of "them". It was also tough to hear that she sometimes self-sabotages by asking silly questions. She also barely raises her hand or shares in class.

When I advocated for my child the caring ones asked "So as a teacher, what can I do?". And while I tried to answer I realized that, unfortunately, there's very little a teacher could do.

I am still trying to find a way to get my daughter more help. At her current age it's simply not being welcomed anymore. When I asked her if she'd be interested in working with a private tutor at home on Math, she barely let me finish my sentence and yelled "Ma, I'm not that bad at math, ok?".

I may have absorbed too much negativity from the teachers and I see how my opinion of her is affecting my daughter.

I need to repair things, the question is how?

amother

Petunia

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 11:34 am

My kids were in an identical school. My kids were not doing well. I pulled them out and they are on top of their classes now. So much confidence, doing amazing in class and it was obviously the school breaking them. I also spoke to others who pulled out and they were also told their kids are the only ones struggling blah blah and based on how many I know personally it’s a lie that so few are having a rough time. Such school doesn’t care about the kids or their needs and it causes long term damage.

amother

Brunette

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 11:35 am

This may not be an easy solution but probably the best one: switch schools

Its hard to teach your daughter that grades arent the most important thing when thats what the school focuses on. And if she isnt up the the same academic level, why is she in such a highly academic school?

Shes gonna keep pushing herself so hard and working so hard towards getting certain results which are just not going to happen. Everytime she gets a low grade after all the work she put in she will be totally defeated. It will cause a lot of damage to her self-esteem and eventually she'll just stop trying altogether. Sending her to fight a battle she cant win is setting her up for lifelong failure, IME

And it doesnt sound like the school is willing to accomodate her. There is a lot a teacher and school can do, and many others do. Unconventional methods that help her get the good grades she needs.

I was a good student in english subjects but really struggled in hebrew subjects. I had a chumash teacher who understood my issues and worked really hard to make sure I still got an A. I didnt take the same tests and do the same homework. She gave me special assignments that fit my level and as long as I really applied myself and worked hard I got the grades I worked for. I ended the class with an A+. Up until that point I had really started resenting hebrew subjects and a lot more than that, and that was a big turning point for me. Having the right school and right teachers REALLY makes all the difference.

shirachadasha

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 11:37 am

There's so much that bothers me here.

It seems like your daughter's worst offense is acting with the awkwardness of a 13 year old girl. She's neither the first nor last in history!

Regarding the teacher who gave your daughter's ranking in the class- I think the teacher thinks she needs to prove to you that it's not her fault that your daughter isn't succeeding. Just because other girls are succeeding doesn't mean the teacher can't adjust her method to help more girls succeed. Maybe the teacher needs a dose of self-confidence!

For the teachers who ask what they can do- ask them to offer to get together with your daughter to bond. What if a teacher said "Chani, would you like to daven at home tomorrow? That way we can eat breakfast together during davening time." Let the teachers show they're invested in your daughter regardless of her class standing.

amother

Olive

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 11:51 am

Its the same situation as a woman posting that shes in a terrible work environment. That no matter how hard she tries, she gets berated, compared with other employees, and gets bad feedback and reviews. That theres a negative environment, daily, for 8 hours each day. That it makes her come home feeling depressed, defeated, worthless....what do we always say? Switch jobs! Asap!.

How much more so, for a young child, in her developmental years! Absolutely do your beat to switch her out and put her in an environment where she will thrive

amother

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 12:28 pm

Thank you all so much for your replies!

The problem is that refuses to switch schools and even refused my offer to switch to another class which is much less competitive.

Worst of all, she's staying in her high school because I listened to her when she insisted on staying on because she likes her friends. Now its too late to get her into the other 2 high school options because registration is closed. 😞

amother

Maple

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 12:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

Call an appropriate high school and use whatever pull you have. It doesn't matter if registration is closed, they always make exceptions. This is a terrible way to go through school. A 13 year old should not be making these decisions on her own- you have a much bigger picture than she does, and you can decide what you feel is truly best for her.

amother

Yolk

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 12:42 pm

OP, I feel you. My daughter just turned 15 and a tutor isn't something optional. Every Sunday, she meets virtually with her math tutor for a hour and a earth science tutor. This is regents prep. She needs it. In our house, it's mandatory. My sons have kriah Tutors and learning tutors... when they hit high school, they'll be doing regents prep too. This is how I run my house. Everyone performs. I don't get upset if someone gets a low grade after studying hard but if they fail because they didn't try, trouble will fall. I always tell my kids- it doesn't matter if your first in class or last, if you graduate and pass the medical exams, your still called Doctor too. Same concept while in school. If it's such an academic school, there's no way there's a stigma against having a private tutor. I guarantee other students go to tutors for help too. I'd push the extra help angle instead of switching her school. Less trauma and she can learn to build confidence where she is. It's on you, as the mother, to push her harder. I used to make excuses for my daughter too but then I realized it didn't matter. She needed to feel supported and that helped her establish her confidence in school. Good luck!

amother

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 12:43 pm

amother Maple wrote:

You're right, and I've tried. But it doesn't look good. There truly are lots of applicants and they're already overwhelmed. Her poor grades aren't helping.

It's bad.

amother

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 12:44 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

This is exactly how I used to think and I think I'm paying the price for it now.

amother

Brunette

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 1:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why does she have all the power? Tell her the current situation isnt working. So either she can find a new school or stay with her current friends but move to the other class. I understand where she is coming from, change can be really scary. But thats not a reason to stay in a bad situation.

Maybe speak to the school and let them make the switch, and tell your DD that it was the schools decision due to her grades. Im surprised that the school lets her stay in that class regardless when theres a lower track option.

sushilover

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 1:09 pm

It's not always easy to switch schools. I get it.

Here's the long term solution, imo; it's up to you and your husband to constantly build her up and help her understand that her grades are not a reflection of her essence.

Consistently recognize her effort.
Praise the process, not the results.
Find other areas for her to shine and/or feel needed; a hobby or chesed.
Help her see her strengths.

Understanding teachers can be encouraged to do the same. Ask them to ensure that they give off the message that her efforts are recognized and that they value her as a person, not a grade.

amother

Fri, Dec 01 2023, 1:22 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

To be clear, it's not a lower track, just a less competitive environment, where girls aren't sobbing when their test score is 97%.

Also, she doesn't have all the power but I believe the right decision is made by taking her feelings into the equation. This IS all about her feelings in the end, isn't it?