Davening 🙈 | Imamother

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

Davening 🙈

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amother

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 9:32 am

It’s ironic because my mother always made me daven growing up and I hated it. But I just want to find out what I should be doing.

9 yo ds has a gorgeous singing voice. In school he davens beautifully. He hasn’t been wanting to daven at all on Shabbos and off days. He
Just wants to play with his younger siblings, can’t be bothered to stop to daven. I want to tell him that’s fine, but then he’s choosing to forgo “big boy” privileges like staying up an hour past the younger ones and getting to use the tablet to play games.

Is that wrong? Should I be ignoring his lack of davening completely? Please help me out here…

amother

Chocolate

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 9:35 am

role model davening
let your husband do the same
"daddy's just gonna do mincha then we will light menorah. ..do you want to go with him" once In a while offer him to go.
or "I'm gonna say hallel now , sing with me" he can sing as he plays Legos.
play music of tefilla....if he's musical he will sing along, thistoo is tefilla, and tell him so

I've done all those and my bigger ones (16plus) now daven BH, not every day but mostly.....
I would not force it
talk about Hashem often. means more than anything.

amother

Clover

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 9:40 am

Do NOT force it or punish
8yr old DS never davens on his days off. I'll ask, he says no, and I completely drop it. Forcing him will make him resent it. It will come in it's own time iyH as he gets older.

amother

PlumPink

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 9:43 am

I never ever force, but I remind
I personally have a very hard time davening and always did growing up as well
We do “davening treats” in our house, when they daven, they get a treat
I never make it a big deal, but I do think it’s important that it is something we do every day and that my kids know and understand
Some kids are always happy to go daven, some don’t. I still don’t push or force

amother

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 9:45 am

Ty

I do role model and I always talk about H ashem.
My husband goes to minyan three times a day.

Ok I guess I’ll do better next time…

amother

Burntblack

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 9:49 am

I never push it. My kids end up doing it on their own by a certain age (varies with each child) and it comes from them, which is so important to me. I will make a general announcement to everyone "don't forget to daven" and then not mention it again.

amother

Petunia

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 10:27 am

My son is 9. I never push it and would absolutely not take away privileges for it.
The most I do is mention it like "if you wanna daven, now is a good time cuz we're going out soon." I mention it once and that's it and I don't check to see if he listened or not.

amother

Violet

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 12:09 pm

I daven mincha e/d. Shacharis is too hard.
But that models davening to my kids.
I remind once, that's it.
My teens daven e/d, it's not from me reminding.

amother

Peach

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 1:03 pm

I wouldn't push it, but I always daven outloud (obviously only certain parts) and most of my kids will come and daven with me.

amother

Midnight

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 2:21 pm

I think it backfires to "enforce" davening. A 9 yo wants to play with younger siblings, its normal.
You can make davening time for all age children, real and copycat play davening for little kids followed by a special "kuddush" afterwards.

Always surround yiddishkeit with good vibes only, warmth, love, positive experience.

I think davening & singing a lot out loud is a wonderful way.

amother

Indigo

Sun, Dec 10 2023, 4:33 pm

Our son is 10, no interest in davening . Our Rav stressed never to push him, only to gently say "now is a good time to daven/do you want to daven a little somwthing now" etc and to completely back off if he doesnt want to.

salt

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 1:18 am

This is just an idea, I don't know how old your kids are, but on shabbos morning you could all daven together you and all your kids, and your 9 yr old can be chazan. Would that work? Especially if he has a nice voice - no need to daven everything, mainly the singing bits.

Another idea - if he's old enough to go to shul with your DH, send him with a special treat, or have one waiting for him when he comes home.

LisaS

Sun, Dec 17 2023, 6:13 am

We give out little, if no junk food during the week. on Shabbos there is a treat for whoever goes to shul, and/or davens by X time. I try to vary the treats each week and sometimes include them in choosing them.

My child that finds it hard to daven I think it's because he finds the length overwhelming, so I say to him just say brachot, shma, and amida. I do not force it but he knows it's expected of him.

We also have a special birkot hashachar card that my kids like using. And I make sure each kid has a siddur they like. One likes a small compact one, another likes a full-size with graphics, etc.

amother

Sun, Dec 17 2023, 8:42 am

Thanks for posting.

I always offer to daven with him/them. Once on sukkos we sang hallel together, that was beautiful. But mostly no one wants to daven together with me, they are having too much fun playing…

This week I suggested once it’s a good time to daven. He did not. I left it alone and he didn’t daven at all.

Now my question is: getting dressed. Is it ok for me to say “you can join us for the Shabbos seudah once you’re dressed for Shabbos?”

They’d stay in pajamas all day if I don’t put my foot down

amother

Burntblack

Sun, Dec 17 2023, 8:47 am

amother OP wrote:

I think it's very good chinuch to expect children to get dressed before the seuda.

Hashem_Yaazor

Sun, Dec 17 2023, 9:45 am

You can definitely connect eating shabbos food with being dressed for shabbos. It's not too much pressure to ask kids to get dressed by lunch time!

It's good and healthy for them to have expectations of them and it's our job as a parent to guide them to be functioning members of society.

Davening is harder because it's a personal connection with Hashem and being forced doesn't help foster the connection.

I do expect my kids who have a chiyuv in davening to do the bare minimum. Past that, I don't mention to them. I did have for a little while with my then 9 year old son who wanted to make his own kiddush before the seudah an arrangement that if he did brachos, shema, and SE he could.

amother

DarkPurple

Sun, Dec 17 2023, 9:55 am

We asked our sons rebbe about davening on Shabbos. He just turned 12 and many times will play with his friends outside and not Daven. The rebbe said you suggest once and then leave it. He has one more yr then it’s mandatory and they just start. Don’t push it or he’ll get a bad taste about davening. Since we’ve asked him sometimes da save a sometimes not. But we see it’s becoming more and more but we never push or punish.

amother

Yarrow

Sun, Dec 17 2023, 10:07 am

amother OP wrote:

Please please do not pressure or especially punish a kid for not davening (no matter the age)

I didn’t read the rest of the responses but from personal experience my mother always reminded me to daven and now as an adult davening from a Siddur is incredibly hard for me as I have a lot of negative memories and feelings associated with it.
Mind you I can’t remember ever being punished or losing privileges for it but the feeling of being a disappointment for not naturally wanting to do what my parents were hoping I would still comes up when I open a Siddur.

Honestly it sucks that I feel this way because logically I know how beautiful davening is and having that way of connecting to Hashem can be such a blessing during hard times

amother

Leaf

Sun, Dec 17 2023, 10:12 am

My 9yo dd was great about davening at home until last year. I asked her openly what changed and she said since her class added shmoneh esrei and some other longer stuff to her regular davening is just too long. I totally understand her. She's English speaking and doesn't understand most of what she's saying and it's boring. I don't push it. Some weekends she'll daven completely, some only brachos and some she skips everything.
I try to model davening but honestly I don't daven enough either. There's always a million other things I need to do and I have a hard time with it.

AlwaysGrateful

Sun, Dec 17 2023, 10:20 am

So I view getting dressed on Shabbos morning the same way I do getting dressed on a weekday. Or eating breakfast. Or brushing teeth. It's just part of the routine. I might let them push it off more on Shabbos morning, but at some point I say "Okay everyone, it's time to get dressed" the same way I would on a weekday.

As for davening, I do encourage my kids from a certain age to make davening part of their morning routine. Yes, in theory you should daven because you're motivated to do so, but let's be honest, I daven every day because it's part of my routine and that ALLOWS me to feel the connection on the days that I do--otherwise I'd never daven. So I tell my kids "Okay, time to daven and eat breakfast, which one do you want to do first?" and if they daven for two minutes or twenty minutes, I don't make a comment, it's all the same to me. I don't police what they say or how they say it, although I may give them a compliment if I notice they are davening longer than usual or if they are sitting nicely while davening, something like "Wow, it's amazing to watch you daven, it really makes me want to daven for longer" or something like that. I can't comment on their kavana, nor is it my place to. But the fact that they did daven is something that I try to recognize, especially when I know it's hard (e.g., they want to play a long game and I tell them to get dressed and daven first).

I don't push my boys to go to shul until they want to. One of them didn't want to until a few months before his bar mitzvah, at which point he woke up one morning and realized that he was "old enough" to be going every Shabbos...and then we asked him each time my husband went to minyan if he wanted to come along, and for a few weeks he usually said yes but not always...and by his bar mitzvah he was going all the time, it wasn't a question. I had ben a little bit concerned with him, but he always struggled with sitting in shul so it made sense that he didn't actively want to until he realized that he was going to HAVE to soon. My other kids wanted to go consistently when they were 11 or so, and had gone sporadically before that as well, just not all the time. And even when they were going three times a day every day, before they were bar mitzvah, I would always give them the choice: "It looks like you're really tired, do you think you're up to going to maariv tonight or do you want to turn in early?" or "Tatty is leaving to shul now for mincha because shkiyah is coming, do you want to go with him?" and they always said yes, but it was their choice. After bar mitzvah the wording changed.

Hope this is helpful!

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