Hype About Potching

Redbird

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 11:53 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

People that hit once and you're afraid are broken now, these people aren't on this thread flaunting the fact that they hit. They regret it and fixed it.
Those who have no issue saying that they hit and that their kids need it for 'chinuch', these people are abusers.

I disagree.

So often people who did not have a good childhood and never learned to regulate their own emotions, will repeat the behaviors of their parents (yelling, hitting,) even though they know better, and then go into a shame spiral which actually makes their behavior worse.

They need to know that they are not horrible people, and healing and repair is possible.

Im not talking about people who hit for chinuch. Thats wrong, and those people I cannot help.

Last edited by Redbird on Sun, Dec 24 2023, 11:55 pm; edited 1 time in total

BrisketBoss

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 11:54 pm

I think most people wouldn't potch if they thought their child really didn't know they did something wrong. They would tell them first, right?

But then if the child does it again, that means they know but they don't know it well enough. And the only way to teach them well enough is to hurt them in some way (punishment). Hmmmm. Seems more like you are teaching them to fear parental retribution but ok.

amother

Topaz

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 11:55 pm

amother Tan wrote:

Logically as a parent this may seem ok to you, but from a dc’s perspective, it’s confusing to be hit while being told you’re loved. Justifying using your hands against another person is also wrong. So a dc who wants love will not know the proper way to ask, do I misbehave or do I behave. After all both ways work equally to get my mommy’s attention. Sending a single firm message is more appropriate.

And it’s not confusing to a kid to be coldly locked into a room by the person who supposedly loves him? Or made to stand in a corner? Or get a certain toy taken away from him? Just because the word “timeout” has a more modern and sophisticated sound to it?

Redbird

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 11:59 pm

amother Peach wrote:

No. Being hit by your parent is more traumatic because they are the people who you rely on as a child to take care of you and make you feel safe. No matter what.

Yet repair is possible.

No parent is perfect. Every parent will mess up and will break their kids trust at some point, whether they hit or not.

It's the repair that matters.

amother

Pink

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:04 am

amother OP wrote:

So many people say "hitting your kids is abuse. Full stop." without giving any kind of explanation. And sorry, my highly intellectual, logical brain doesn't buy that. Something doesn't just become abuse just because you said it is.

But isn't it harder to have a logical explanation for why hitting kids isn't abuse? There's no one else whom you can hit and it won't be considered abuse or assault. You can't hit your spouse. You can't hit your coworker. You can't hit your employee. You can't even hit your dog.

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:10 am

Redbird wrote:

So you're not disagreeing at all, you're just being more diplomatic then I am.

Parents who hit their kids because they don't know better aren't here proudly announcing that they hit their kids and can someone please explain why it's wrong without getting hysterical. They actually hide in shame and hate that they treat their kids like that. You're right that they need to know they can repair their relationships with their kids.

On the other hand, parents who are proud that they hit, mock others for their hysterics and aren't ready to take any explanation why hitting a child is wrong and think they are doing their children the greatest favor by being physical with them, these parents are abusers. Full stop.

amother

Tan

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:16 am

amother Topaz wrote:

I hope a child isn’t locked into a cold room or made to stand in a corner. The dc is simply removed from the center of events for the adult to focus on the damage. The child sees this and calms down enough to focus on the damage they’ve made. No more damage is made, they’re simply not in the center. Only my teens having a temper tantrum are told to please leave the room because I don’t need to be subject to their melt down and they’re sure to want something from me and I won’t be in the most giving mood if this continues next to me. And I do have special needs and adhd dc. Still never thought this to be problem. I don’t hit nor do I’m lock them up.

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:16 am

amother Topaz wrote:

Apples and oranges. In timeout the child is being punished for doing something wrong without being hurt. They get the concept of doing something wrong and now suffering the consequences. Of course the parents need to be careful of emotional hurt too but that's a different point
When you hit your child you're not punishing them, you're teaching that this and this behavior will result in a slap. So they don't do it anymore because they fear the slap but who says they understand the consequences of their bad behavior?

Redbird

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:17 am

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Yes I guess it's mostly a semantics argument.

I believe it's counterproductive and even dangerous to call parents abusive when they already know they are acting wrong and want to change. Because that encourages shame and prevents growth and healing.

Hitting because you believe its good, is abusive.

This is a good, productive, conversation. Im getting better clarity on my own thoughts on this.

amother

Topaz

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:21 am

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Timeout hurts them emotionally as you allude to. It can actually be quite humiliating. And with timeout and other non hitting punishments all of the sudden the child is super intelligent and understanding? Oh please- the child processes it the same way as to hitting, they won’t repeat because they fear the unpleasant experience of timeout or whatever the punishment may be.

A punishment be definition is meant to be unpleasant. Spanking is also unpleasant but when done lovingly and responsibly is just another method of punishment which has its pros and cons. It is not abuse when administered as described. Every parent should choose the discipline method that works for them but let’s save the abuse card for when it’s truly warranted.

amother

Yarrow

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:24 am

Most people eventually fall into a trap at some point where they are stressed out, overtired, very impatient, upset or angry. If potching is your discipline method, you will potch out of short tenperedness or stress or anger or any of the above. If you know you have a temper and you choose to go with potching, you have signed up to be an abuser.

#BestBubby

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:25 am

Everybody says there are better methods.

But today's children are so chutzpadik and have such bad middos, refuse to help in the house,
Order their parents around like servants, are aggressive towards siblings despite never being potched.

So doesn't seem like there are better methods.

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:28 am

#BestBubby wrote:

It's sweetly naive of you to think potching will solve anything then. If they are indeed so chutzpadik a potch will accomplish nothing besides for more anger and hate.

amother

Viola

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:30 am

amother Poinsettia wrote:

It's sweetly naive of you to think potching will solve anything then. If they are indeed so chutzpadik a potch will accomplish nothing besides for more anger and hate.

Neither extreme is good. But the level of chutzpah today, with all this gentle parenting, is like never before. So many teens & young adults today are self centered snowflakes with awful middos and zero resilience. Because parents are afraid to parent.

amother

Yarrow

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:30 am

To add to the above: if you think you can potch because you potch infrequently, guess what. It doesn't go according to you or to how you imagine it. It goes according to how your child processes it. And you cannot begin to guess that.

Another note: if you think you can give a hug and kiss to make the potch all better, you are fooling yourself. You have totally confused your child because a potch hurts more than a kiss feels like love. The memory of the potch will stay for a very long time.

amother

Yarrow

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:31 am

#BestBubby wrote:

This is lashon hara and motzai shem rah.

tichellady

Mon, Dec 25 2023, 12:31 am

#BestBubby wrote:

It seems like you think parenting is about producing subservient children and that anyone who’s kids aren’t easy has failed. There is a lot we as parents can’t control and that is hard to accept. I don’t think that potching is the solution