S/O Never Enough Money- SAHM

amother

Thu, Jan 04 2024, 10:16 am

There’s an important point in the SAHM/emunah/hishtadlus debate that is being completely overlooked.

A lot of people on the other thread were passionately arguing that anyone who thinks a working mother can just quit her job to stay home with her baby when she knows that her husbands income can’t cover their expenses, is just irresponsible and stupid.

One poster gave a valid example of both a husband and wife each bringing in $6k/month, which just barely covers their $12k/month expenses. How can the wife stop working and just expect it to work out? We aren’t supposed to rely on miracles.

And it’s true- once both spouses are working and barely making it, it’s almost impossible for the wife to quit and “rely on Hashem”. But what a lot of posters don’t realize is that parents who greatly prioritize having a SAHM will usually plan differently, from the beginning, to try to make this happen. They will therefore often make very different life choices than parents who don’t prioritize having a SAHM from the beginning.

What does this difference look like IRL? Well, probably the biggest difference is that a couple who strongly prioritizes having a SAHM will not generally make kollel a long term goal. They will hopefully have discussed prior to marriage what their values are in regards to what their home will look like and who will be raising their children. This means they’re both on the same page about the sacrifices they are willing to make in order for the wife to be a SAHM. This also means that even if the husband starts off in kollel, it is with the knowledge that he will be taking on the role of breadwinner once they have children. Maybe this means taking night classes while still in kollel, maybe this means going to school for a degree, etc. The main point is they will not live the kollel lifestyle and hope to just “figure it out” when the time comes that the wife’s salary is not enough. Because at that point, it’s almost impossible for a husband to “catch up” to the family expenses. Once you are a few years or a few children into marriage and expenses are higher, the husband basically loses his chance to start off in a low paying job that has high potential, or to get a 3 year degree. Because the expenses are too high and he needs to earn money NOW, which often necessitates him ending up in a lower paying career, and they basically end up trapped in a situation where two incomes is a necessity.

Another difference in lifestyle choices of parents who prioritize having a SAHM is that they often don’t face a situation where they are suddenly losing 90% or 50% or 20% of their income when the wife quits. Because they know in advance that they can’t rely on the wife’s income, they do their best to set up a lifestyle that they can afford on solely the husbands income. This is relevant to which house they buy, which cars they lease, sometimes even how many children they have (in certain cases).

Another major difference in parents who prioritize having a SAHM is that the husband goes into marriage with the knowledge that he will be expected to be the main provider. This expectation of him alone can make a massive difference in his earning potential. Yes, like it or not, too many men don’t on take leaps or challenges that they should, because subconsciously they don’t feel they need to, because their wife is/should be working. And yes, we all know that very few men take on a significant percentage of the workload of keeping home and raising children just because their wife is working. Which means the wife gets burnt on both candle ends.

Another difference is that such parents, if eventually faced with a financial situation where the wife has no choice but to go to work (personally I believe taking tzedaka is a red line- but I don’t include tuition breaks in that), the wife will first attempt to do jobs that don’t require her to send out her babies- babysitting, non-intense work from home jobs, evening work etc.

My main point is that parents who understand the immeasurable value of having a mother who stays at home with the children, often approach life from a vastly different vantage point than couples who don’t consciously make that decision. I think that is why there is such a disconnect in the previous thread. Posters who never made any of the choices I described above will say it is impossible for them not to work, and they’re usually right. But that may very well be due to the choices they made. They’re entitled to live their life how they choose, but so are others.

I know you can come at me with a million exceptions, and of course there are legitimate exceptions. But not as many families fall into those exceptions as you’d like to think.