Being a parent better or worse than you thought?

MyUsername

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 1:11 am

Is being a parent better than or not as good as you thought it would be?

No judgment here at all! Someone was recently telling me how being a parent is so much better than she thought it would be, but I realized it is not as good as I thought it would be for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and am very grateful for them and I do love being their parent. But I don't love parenting the way I thought I would.

See poll above, add comments below, curious to hear how others feels.

amother

Jean

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 1:26 am

My life is so much better now that im married with children.

I had a horrible childhood and I had no clue that family life can be so rewarding.

Its so so so hard to raise children and be a good mother and wife but its really great seeing them grow up normal and healthy and happy. I never had those things and it fills me with pride and happiness that I can give it to them.

I daven that Hashem continues to give me the stregth and wisdom to provide my children with a good life.

amother

Dill

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 1:55 am

I always knew I’d have a very hard time being a mother and it’s just as hard as I expected. I was expecting it to be terrible. Sometimes I wonder why if I should have gone otd so I wouldn’t have to have kids. I’m not the caregiving type, the nonstop work kills me. I get so angry when I get woken up at night, I bite my lip to prevent myself being a monster to my poor child. The smaller things like the mental load of having to buy clothes, fight my toddler to dress them, figure out how to do their hair… ugh. I am not made for this!!!!!!

Not to mention I’m way too confused about my hashkafos and emunah to be in charge of raising a frum child.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 2:03 am

When they were little I had them too close (four kids under three) it was murder. Then they got older and it’s been mostly fun, except for the usual hitches and some mental health bumps.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 3:21 am

Raising little kids was challenging but so much fun and I look back on the time with so many great memories. Nothing could prepare me for the heartbreak some of my adult children have put me through. Trying to be good, supportive parents, knowing what and what not to say and do in a given situation without compromising on my principles, morals and values is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

amother

Iris

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 3:31 am

Having kids is way better!

My mom was super anxious and one of her anxious points was having bad kids. I tend not to be anxious, but wothout realizing it, my mom's anxiety about having bad kids passed to me, but after a few years of seeing how good my children are, I'm not anxious at all about that anymore and really delight in being a parent.

Juggling parenting + career was a lot worse than I expected, but I resolved that by becoming a SAHM. I plan to go back intonthe workforce when my kids are big (youngest 10 - 12).

Just as a s/o, for those of you who say it is worse than you expected, is it the parenting itself, or is parenting + juggling career?

imaima

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 3:31 am

MyUsername wrote:

I didn’t think about it at all

amother

Cyclamen

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 3:32 am

amother Seashell wrote:

Don't answer if you don't feel comfortable... Can I ask what type of challenges your adult children put you through? Is the heartbreak from watching them suffer or directly from their actions? I'm wondering if I put my parents though what you describe... Never thought about it to this degree.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 3:39 am

amother Cyclamen wrote:

One is directly from their actions, one is suffering. I won't go into more detail than that.

amother

Tanzanite

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 4:43 am

Fortunately, I didn't have any expectations at all. What was hard was unexpectedly having to fulfill the roles of both parent and primary, occasionally
sole, breadwinner. I always assumed I would work, but didn't think it would be my income keeping the roof over our heads. IDK that this made a difference from a practical standpoint, full-time work being full-time work whether you make 90% or 10% of the family income, but it did from a mental one. Being primary breadwinner is an enormous psychological burden and exacerbates the stress of child-bearing.

the world's best mom

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 7:21 am

Parenting is both the most rewarding, and the most painful thing I have ever done. It is so joyful, yet so frustrating. One of my kids makes me so upset I feel like crying, and another smiles at me so cutely that I just need to hug them and be happy. And then the difficult one comes to me for a hug and my heart sings.

So yes, parenting is better and worse than I thought it would be.

amother

Dill

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 8:26 am

amother Iris wrote:

Just as a s/o, for those of you who say it is worse than you expected, is it the parenting itself, or is parenting + juggling career?

It’s the parenting for sure. I would lose my mind as a SAHM.

icedcoffee

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 8:36 am

Being a mother, parenting, loving my child - 1000% better than I expected. Changed my life into the best, most meaningful, most rewarding thing ever. I love it so much. But it's definitely so much more than I imagined. I don't even know if "hard" is the word I'd use to describe it, but nothing could have prepared me for how all-consuming it is every minute of every day. Truly turned our lives upside down. Not in a bad way, just way more than I could have fathomed. People tell you it's "challenging" and your life will "completely change" but it's hard to even comprehend what those phrases actually mean until you actually have a child.

amother

Steelblue

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 8:40 am

Definitely worse. Not in the sense that it's always worse, just that I was led to believe that parenting requires some effort (as all worthwhile things do) and the rest is nachas. So when the joyful stuff and nachas happens, that's wonderful, but I knew to expect that, it isn't any better than what I expected. But in the challenging moments (and there are a lot of them) it's sooooo much worse than I was prepared for. Bh I do love my kids and I would not say the worse times outweigh the better times, but yes, it was beyond harder than I expected and I have a much smaller family than I initially wanted because of it. I also feel like I was cheated in some ways. Like maybe if people had been honest about how hard it is, I might have had an easier time of the hard times.

MyUsername

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 8:46 am

amother Iris wrote:

Just as a s/o, for those of you who say it is worse than you expected, is it the parenting itself, or is parenting + juggling career?

It is the parenting. I love my job, and times when I haven't been working and just staying at home with the kids was so much harder. I'm glad I had some opportunity to do so, but I am so much happier when I am working as well - helps me feel more fulfilled both inside and outside the home b"H.

amother

Gold

Sun, Feb 18 2024, 9:27 am

Worse isn't the word I'd use. It's harder, way harder than I ever thought it would be. I was always amazing with kids and I thought I would love being a mother and I would be a naturally good one. Turns out thats not true. I struggle immensely with my own kids, I have some with ASD and nothing prepared me for that. I have never felt as incompetent as I do as a mom.