Would you allow your HS dd

amother

Moccasin

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 10:21 pm

Starting To was realize how many dysfunctional things are considered normal. Even things I grew up with that all families were doing. Ppl have more kids than they can handle and really neglect them.

happy7

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 10:39 pm

This is a terrible situation.
I am the parent of a very large family and I would NEVER EVER allow this. This is crazy!!

A teenage girl should not be responsible for her infant siblings.

I can understand when the baby is 15/16 months and just wakes up and needs to be handed a bottle or a pacifier, but not a newborn who needs really care.

Hire a nurse!!

amother

Mimosa

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 10:44 pm

amother Snowflake wrote:

It's ttly wrong. I sent my children to a babysitter in a certain chassidish area where very large family is the norm. (Think over 12 children on average) The babysitter who has 17 children was telling me once how it was the norm in her daughter's classes to be up with babies at night and she absolutely did not agree with it. She did not allow her children to get up for the baby as it wasn't their job. According to her though it was super common there.

I don't believe that it's super common in any chassidish community & that it was the norm for her girls classmates to get up to babies at night. It's not common practice in chassidish circles afaik, but there are dysfunctional families in every sect.

amother

Ivory

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 11:05 pm

Good grief this sounds like a sure fire recipe for major dysfunction and mental issues. I can't even imagine. If you can't be up with your baby at night or afford help, then don't have a baby. End of story. That is a hard line. And tbh even if my kid wanted to I would never allow them it's totally inappropriate for them to do their parents job.

amother

Babypink

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 11:09 pm

Would I ALLOW my HS dd?

Maybe if they offered, on a one-time basis.

Maybe if they offered and it was a dire situation, for a week or so. (I'm remembering my last birth where I was in terrible shape for quite a few days, which doesn't normally happen to me. They didn't offer, but I might have taken it. We don't have money for night nurses, and I'm usually fine postpartum.)

Would I ASK them?

No way.

Would I allow it on an ongoing basis?

No way.

I can understand the temptation, especially if it's common among your DD's friends, but it's not really an acceptable way of taking care of a baby.

amother

Teal

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 11:46 pm

After I thought I've heard it all on imamother? This is one of those that take the cake. I can't wrap my head around it. literally an insanity.

But, one thing I have to ask form all these 3 pages of posts. Where is the FATHER in all this?? If the mom is so sleep deprived then DAD takes over!! not teen dd!!!

amother

Babypink

Wed, Mar 13 2024, 11:52 pm

amother Teal wrote:

Sometimes the father is working during the day, and is taking over childcare before and after work hours. If he also stays up at night, he will be unable to work. Not everyone gets paternity leave, and many can't afford to lose an income, especially right after a baby is born.

Honestly I understand on a short-term or emergency basis, especially if the teen offered. I really don't get those for whom this is the normal and expected way of raising children. It's like they PLAN for this. "It's no big deal to have a newborn, since my built-in baby nurse, aka teen DD, will make sure I get a good night's sleep until they sleep through the night."

amother

Teal

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 12:22 am

amother Babypink wrote:

That's tough luck on the dad if he also needs a good nights sleep to function the next day at his job and taking over childcare. He is no different then a teen DD who also needs her night's sleep! He's the dad. If his wife can't manage then he's gotta just deal with it and try to function with a lack of sleep and care for the newborn at night. NOT his teen DD.

teachkids

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 12:47 am

amother Mimosa wrote:

I don't think a teenager should be expected to even have to wake in the night to give baby a bottle. Caring for the kids in the night, is the parents job. Not the teenagers.

I didn’t say in the night. I said in the morning. Most teenagers have to get up at 6 for school, it’s not the end of the world if they start their day helping for 3 minutes.

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:34 am

amother Latte wrote:

If you work in a Hs and you know about this being done then you (the school), needs to do all that needs be done to make it stop. Period. End of story. The school needs to get involved now and whenever this is the situation.

I worked in hs
A girl in 9th grade wouldn't come to school on Friday. She had to cook shabbos. She was the oldest
Nothing I could do about it, and I tried

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 4:12 am

amother Latte wrote:

I would even go so far as calling CPS. Unacceptable by any standards.

amother

Natural

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 7:11 am

amother Babypink wrote:

This is what they need to take into account when getting pregnant. You need to know you, as parents, can manage everything it entails. Caring for your child at night is part of it.

essie14

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 7:28 am

umm...no, absolutely not.
Babies are the responsibility of the parents.
So is cooking for Shabbat. A teen can certainly bake a cake on Thursday night, but staying home all Friday to cook the whole Shabbat? or being up all night with a baby that you didn't birth? That's severely dysfunctional.

amother

Oleander

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 9:13 am

How is calling CPS helping the situation in any way? CPS should only be called when there is real abuse going on and I don’t think that is the case. You have to realize the consequences of your phone call will be to create utter havoc and trouble in that home.

singleagain

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 9:14 am

amother Oleander wrote:

Parentification of children is real abuse.

amother

Mimosa

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 9:51 am

amother Natural wrote:

This is what they need to take into account when getting pregnant. You need to know you, as parents, can manage everything it entails. Caring for your child at night is part of it.

This. I really really want to have another baby, but my toddler is barely sleeping through the night yet & I know that I won't handle the sleep deprivation. This is literally the only reason that I'm on BC at the moment.

amother

Mimosa

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 9:59 am

amother Oleander wrote:

I agree that I wouldn't call CPS for this, but parentifying children is real abuse. Just because it has become acceptable in frum communities, doesn't make it less of abuse.
Many many adults are paying the price for being parentified as kids.

amother

Violet

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 10:03 am

amother Mimosa wrote:

I agree. I don't think it's common.
I grew up one of 12 and I was a very parentified child. But my mother would never allow me to wake to the baby in middle of the night, that's a whole other level.