Would you allow your HS dd

amother

Babypink

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 11:06 am

amother Electricblue wrote:

I can't believe anyone is justifying this behavior. This is like total culture shock for me.

No. It's not culture shock. Culture shock is encountering a surprising but completely acceptable behavior in another culture.

This is NOT okay.

Maybe maybe on rare occasions or emergencies. Not as a normal, and definitely not as an expected plan of action.

savta3

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 12:16 pm

I also agree it is okay for a real emergency, like someone wrote that her mother was hospitalized. Or, say, parents have to take a different child for emergency treatment.

Otherwise, no, no, no. Being woken up at night to look after the baby is a job for parents only.

amother

Thistle

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 12:23 pm

amother Blue wrote:

That is a terrible idea.
But we don't necessarily know the whole story. There may be a good reason behind it.
When I was that age I had a newborn niece (she was a twin) in my room for a few months. There were extenuating circumstances that the mom was unable to care for them through the night. My mom, the grandma, had 1 and I had the other

If I was your mother I would have hired a baby nurse for the second baby. If I couldn't afford it I would ask for tzedaka. I would never expect my high school daughter to wake up with a baby every night.
Yes when I was in high school I volounteered a couple of times to sleep with my niece overnights but that was me offering...

amother

Zinnia

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 12:50 pm

I didn’t read all the replies. I think we all agree the behavior is unacceptable I think op wanted to know what to do about her friend.
I don’t know if I’d say something. I once observed terrible behavior of a different kind. There was an infant involved and the mother had a big (as in double digit) family. I knew she looked down at me because I only have a few kids (of course she has no idea why) but I was very worried about the infant. I confided in a mutual friend who hadn’t reached double digits yet but had a baby every year and wasn’t far off. She sounded very concerned when I told her what was going on. A short while later the behavior changed.
Op I think you need to say something, but be careful how you go about it.

amother

Tan

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:13 pm

I would never ask my dd to do this but without knowing the exact circumstances it’s hard to say how big a problem it is.

My mother a”h always used to tell the story about when her youngest brother was born (she was 17 and her youngest sibling before the baby was 11). The first night the baby was home when he woke up everyone went running to his crib, each wanting to be the one that cared for him. My grandmother looked at everyone else and said ‘you guys can fight about it, I’m going back to sleep’. My mother took care of that baby every night (and lots of other times, too). She was very close to him, in general, and I never heard any regret from her about ‘parentificacion’. She had a life, and he didn’t interfere, she was up late anyway (aren’t most teens) so she gave him a bottle before she went to sleep then she was up early for school and gave him a bottle then.

singleagain

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:20 pm

amother Tan wrote:

I never heard any regret from her about ‘parentificacion’. She had a life, and he didn’t interfere, she was up late anyway (aren’t most teens) so she gave him a bottle before she went to sleep then she was up early for school and gave him a bottle then.

Teens who are parentified don't have a life and the kid interferes with everything that they want to do as a child because they're stuck and being made to take care of the child

There is definitely a very big difference when the teenager wants to. However, you also have to make sure that a teenager isn't taking on too much responsibility even if she wants it.

Peersupport

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:23 pm

amother Latte wrote:

If you work in a Hs and you know about this being done then you (the school), needs to do all that needs be done to make it stop. Period. End of story. The school needs to get involved now and whenever this is the situation.

It's a hard call.
I used to take my baby sisters into my bed at night because they would cry and cry and my mother would ignore them.

I loved my siblings and didn't mind taking care of them, but if I would be forced to just hear them cry all night, it would have broken me.

singleagain

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:25 pm

Peersupport wrote:

The lesser of two evils is still bad.

justforfun87

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:28 pm

Peersupport wrote:

I am sorry about this. Hugs to you.

singleagain

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 1:34 pm

Peersupport wrote:

Which one is the lesser one?

Well... Like you said it's a hard call ... In your case though I think taking you littles into your bed instead of letting them be ignored was the lesser one. It never should have fallen to you, but the fact that you stepped up says a lot of positives about you

amother

Ivory

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:11 pm

Peersupport wrote:

That's so sad, they were lucky to have such a caring sister

amother

Quince

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 2:19 pm

I think all this is a personal family matter. If the teen likes to help her mom out, she's a tzadeket and the mom maybe needs help and can't afford a nurse. While not ideal this is a far cry from abuse. If the mom forced her teen to watch the newborn that's another story.

amother

DarkYellow

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 3:20 pm

I begged my mother to do this until she agreed. I HATED high-school. It felt like I was wasting my life and I felt so depressed. I would snuggle with the baby all night (except to bring the baby to be nursed) and it felt so fulfilling and natural. It did so much for my well being and the baby got a whole night of love and nurture. He slept in my bed until he was 2. I was the oldest and my siblings always came to my bed whenever they felt like it. I have the fondest memories! When I got married, my little sister was so upset that she couldn't share a bed with me anymore. She couldn't understand how I would trade her for a random new guy LOL

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 3:56 pm

OP, this is a situation where, if you see something, you say something. This teen will have major ramifications down the line because of this. It’s your obligation to try to stop it. Even if there are major extenuating circumstances, such as illness, a nurse should be hired. Now that you know this, you really need to stop it..

amother

Feverfew

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 4:08 pm

I grew up in a very dysfunctional, difficult home. I was parentified at an early age. I was cooking Shabbos before I was Bas Mitzvah, and by the time I was in high school, I was pretty much in charge of all of the family cooking, cleaning, and much of the childcare. Yeah, some of my younger siblings tell me I raised them.
You know what I always remember? My mother once told me that when we were younger, she was very overwhelmed, and her close friend, mother of a large family, encouraged her to basically give over the responsibilities to her daughters, make them help more and more. And that's what she did. Maybe her friend didn't know how far my mother would take it.
OP, please tell your friend how dysfunctional that is. It's not her hs daughter's job.

amother

Wallflower

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 7:15 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

Sorry but siblings should not be sleeping together. A baby is one thing but older kids? No way.

Hashem_Yaazor

Thu, Mar 14 2024, 7:44 pm

amother Wallflower wrote:

Sorry but siblings should not be sleeping together. A baby is one thing but older kids? No way.

Wow.
My 4 yo by choice enjoys sharing a bed with a sibling. Who by choice want her there (and bribe her at times).
What is wrong with that?!
If she's interested in sleeping on her own we have plenty of extra beds that are empty.

(In full disclosure, my 23 mo is still in my room, either in a pac n play next to my bed or in my bed. Last Thursday night, he woke up as I was baking for shabbos so my 8th grader tried getting him back to sleep. She was almost successful but then he heard my voice and that was that. After unsuccessfully trying to get him to go back to sleep, I took him out of my room and my 10th grader decided to try to get him to sleep on an empty bed. It didn't work but she was determined. She finally got him to go to sleep in her bed at 1:30 and I had the longest stretch of sleep I've had in 2 years. She was all proud of herself but I don't think she'll be asking to do it again any time soon. That is not parentifying at all. And I don't feel guilty this happened. I have great kids who take initiative here and there to help the family dynamic.)
So what if sometimes a little sibling shares a bed?
In not so recent past, it was totally normal for even older kids to share, hence the prevalence of twin over full bunk beds.