It's a zchus right?

ClaRivka

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 3:29 pm

When we got married we decided that our mitzvah was going to b hachnasis orchim, we would do our best.
We started off with our friends and slowly added ppl who were interested in becoming frum and no weve just been inviting ppl off the street. My husband loves it and gets real joy from helping people. He will do anything for anybody and his mind is always full of what he has to go do next...
We bought a sukkah from a cousin that he was not going to b using anymore and its finally up.
My husband has a friend who's sfardi and hardly speaks english who lives with his wife and kids in an apt across the alley from us. they apparently dont have any place for a sukkah (or what I believe is that they have no money for a sukkah, times r tough for them right now- hes one of those ppl that makes a million dollars easily but loses it quickly bc he spends on cars and apts and new ventures but whtvrr the case is right now he doesnt have a sukkah.)
He asked my husband if he could set up a lil table in our sukkah and eat in it. I was expecting that we would take turns eating there. but then he said it was just going to b him eating there. I had a hard time believing that his kids were going to stay inside when there is a sukkah outside...they love their father and cling to him)
so now last night he called up my husband and asked if his kids could decorate the sukkah. I was appalled. Its our sukkah and I want it to b the way I want it. I personally hate decorations. I dont kno what im going to do when I have children who want to decorate the place but for right now I love that everything is clean and I dont have to worry abt looking at chintzy things hanging from anywhere. It really bothers me to no end. I compare it to chaos, I cannot have chaos in my life. come into my apt and everything is in its place...I just cant handle messes. If something happens I get frustrated and stressed and literally have to leave the room til its back in order and to restore calmness.I just cant focus on things. this is how I view sukkah decorations-a mess. (I have nothing against the really gorgeous velvet backed embroidery or whatever, thats really nice but bc they are so expensive we do not have any yet.)
I was told that lubavitch also doesnt believe in decorations? I cud use that as an excuse but I feel like im the mean one to take away a kids joy and excitement for the holiday...but on the other hand...its my sukkah...

My husband keeps telling me the story of the baal shem tovs father- a guest came to him for shabbes. he was the worst guest ever, he spilled on the tablecloth, he drank all the liquor, he slurped, he put his boots on the table, basically everything he cud do to ruin theyre shabbes he did..he even fell asleep in his chair. the baal shem tovs father didnt say a thing, just kept serving him and treating him with respect. he even took his coat and covered the sleeping man to ake sure he wasnt cold. later the man woke up and went over to the besht's father. he said "do you kno who I am?" He said, "sure, youre yankel..". And he said "no, I am eliyahu hanavi. because you treated me so nicely you will have a son that will light up the world". This is what I keep thinking everytime I get a guest that is a little unruly....its a kapparah and if he ruins something then its only something material and maybe one day we'll have a son and maybe one day he'll be the baal shem tov of our generation (my dream is that he will bring together sfardi, litvish, and chassidish and show everyone that were not all so different and we shud love eachother..)

so anyway, my husband keeps on inviting ppl and I think we've finally reached the total, 9 ppl b'erech for each meal. What should I do abt the sukkah? I feel a lttle bit bad but I need to function properly and I cant do that with a mess and now is not the time to learn to relax...

grin

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 3:39 pm

I hear you loud and clear. Obviously, being mevater to difficult guests is a very big zechus, but I think it only works if you can do it whole-heartedly.
WE also have a policy of hachnasos orchim since our marrige, BH, but I've added a disclaimer over the years - my own needs and those of my family come first.

hila

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 3:41 pm

I love the decorations. I actually laminated lots of them and we use the kids decorations from many years ago, and each oe hasa tale to tell.

Actually of tehm are now out there putting up decorations. To me it is part of sukkot. I dont want fancy artwork. I want my kids efforts.

Some are beautiful - some are a bit messy.
Bit they enhance the sukka - not mess it.

I think that maybe you have to let the ids have a little pleasure and decorate your sukka. then on sukkot they can go in the sukka and proudly announce "I did that one abba"

Hashem should spread his sukkat shalom on all of us

Chag Sameach

imasinger

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 3:44 pm

I was told that chabad decorates the outside of the sukkah not the inside. Is that right? Would it make a difference to you if they just decorated the outside? If they decorated just one wall, and your back was to it at mealtimes?

I guess it depends on how strongly you feel about your clean space. Personally, I find it hard to equate letting some kids put up tchatchkes on the wall with the kind of guest that came to the Besht's father. But each of us has different sensitivities, and you have every right to have your YT be a time of simcha.

The question for you is this. A month from now, when you think back on Sukkos, which will give you the better feeling about yourself and your Yom Tov -- having shared the sukkah more than you are comfortable with these neighbors, or having set your limits? Which will have your DH feeling better about you?

Only you will have the answer.

anonymom

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 8:20 pm

I can understand you because chatchkes make me physically ill. Houses cluttered with stuff make me claustrophobic. But decorations in the sukkah never bothered me. It sounds like your neighbor thinks they would be doing you a favor.

rowo

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 8:32 pm

chabad don't decorate the succah, b/c the succah and the mitzvah itself are beautiful.
since I'm not really used to decorations, I am also not particularly fond of a million sparkly things hanging all over a succah. I don't think it looks nice, I think it looks like a kids b'day party.
but I have seen many succah's that have some nice posters, bought or made by kids which looks nice. nice pessukim illustrated, decorated, ushpizin posters etc.
how would you feel about allowing each kid (don't know how many they have) to hang up one of their nicest pictures/posters. that way your succah is not cluttered and covered in tinsel and dried fruit, but the kids get to display some of their work and everyone is happy. ??

AlwaysGrateful

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 9:43 pm

If you decide to let them do it, instead of being frustrated the entire yom tov, I wonder if you could focus on what you posted about - the fact that in the future you'd LOVE to have little ones to "mess up" your sukkah like this. Also think about the fact that your house in general will become much messier IY"H when you are blessed with children. So this is sort of a training for you to work on yourself to be okay and not stressed out by children's messes, to show Hashem that really you're ready to have some of your own.

This is similar to what I heard people say when I was single about the fact that if you're single for a while, maybe there's something Hashem wants you to work on. Instead of kvetching about your horrible roommate, show Hashem that you know how to get along with the person you're living with so that he'll decide you're ready for your bashert. Instead of being too busy for chessed, use the time before you're married to work on yourself so that you do chessed joyfully, and Hashem will enable you to do chessed for your family as well.

I can see why some people might get defensive at hearing this, but I didn't, even though I did get married late. Or perhaps because I did. Depends on how you look at it.