Anger/resentment for dd

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2011, 4:49 pm

DH and I shifted in our hashkafa, from a MO lifestyle, more to the right, years before dcs were born. Our children have never known any other lifestyle, but the one we have now. However, for the last couple of years, oldest dd has developed resentment toward frum judaism and frum jews. She refuses to be friends with her classmates who she "can't relate to". She has massive tantrums about the clothing she will wear and if necessary, will wear the same outfit every day (literally) because it for some reason fits her "less frum" standards. We have relented to a degree with clothing choices, in order to keep her resentment from growing and growing. We have relented with her choices of camp, highschool, etc. to keep her resentment and anger in check, ie, toward more MO choices. I have no issue with MO, it is how I grew up, its just not who I am today.

She keeps pushing and pushing farther and farther, I.e., shopping and bringing home Shabbos clothes that I would not have worn to shul back in the day when I wore pants and shorts! Anything we do or say prompts screaming tantrums that I cannot even describe. I am so embarrassed to say this but I feel so much anger and resentment towards her. I cannot stand her effect on our household, on her younger siblings, on our life. I dont even care anymore what she does or wears, I just dont want to be part of it. I am sick and tired of walking on eggshells, and balancing and compromising on every decision I make to try to fit her needs.

If you told me 15 years ago that I could ever feel such feelings toward my child, I would have said it was impossible.

grin

Sun, Oct 02 2011, 5:04 pm

have you tried to have a heart to heart discussion with her explaining how you feel - maybe yes tell her about your journey and why you aren't MO anymore, what made you change - and listening, really listening - to what she has to say, how she feels?

is tzniyus something your'e trying to push down her throat or is it something that can be discussed? how does she feel about shabbos, kashrus, davening? do you appreciate her efforts in these areas?

with all that said and done, imo teens should live off together on some desert island - iyh you'll welcome her back with open arms once she outgrows this awful age. But do try to make sure that she knows that she's loved and heard, meanwhile.

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2011, 6:14 pm

Thank you, grin, for your thoughtful reply. She is not an easy "talker", but we have addressed this issue. At this point, shabbos and kashrus have not come up as issues for her, but I suppose I fear for her future in this regard. I am aware that alot of my feelings have to do with me, in other words, I want her to conform to my lifestyle, I don't want to be embarrassed by her clothing, etc. Is that wrong? Maybe, I dont know. But also, much more significantly, I don't want her to have my childhood, and all the self-imposed pain and heartache. Dating casually, dressing provocatively, involved with boys in my teens and twenties. I so desperately wanted a different, happier, more pure, innocent, simple lifestyle for her. This was the crux of my move in that direction, from the time I got married and even envisioned having children, and for her to reject it so overtly, is almost poetic in its irony.... I sometimes wonder if I deserve it, having thought I could just change course like that.

grin

Sun, Oct 02 2011, 6:40 pm

amother wrote:

show appreciation and acceptance for who/what she is (a sweet darling girl) instead of vocalizing so much about what she isn't!! don't be so scared!! don't project yourself on her!! and don't expect her to become a copy of you - yes, imo that's a big mistake.

does she help in the house? has derech eretz? let her get some positive input form you about it. in fact, after bas mitzva, her mitzvos are her business, not yours - stress only the positive in that respect, not the negative.

(she probably feels your anxiety and is playing on it to the hilt.)

I also made a similar journey to yours, and some of my kids are now MO - I thank Hashem every day that they're still frum! and I work on having mutual respect and keeping the lines of communication honest and open.

amother

Sun, Oct 02 2011, 8:16 pm

I think your approach is a beautiful and inspired one. You really hit the nail on the head-- I guess I am so scared, and projecting this fear and anxiety outward. Perhaps I am very transparent in this to her.... Dh also grew up mo, but with a much more wholesome childhood than I had. I suppose I have felt that he does not see the "mines" in the road as clearly as I do. But what I am doing is so clear from the way you put it.... classic projecting.

I will really really try to highlight and express the positive. It actually happened at shul on Rosh Hashana, when she stood and davened the entire (super long!) amidah, it took her a long time (davening willingly has not been her way and I have not pushed). When she was done, I was afraid to acknowledge it! My experience is that she will reject things that I encourage or advocate. But b'h my mother was sitting right there and hugged her and kissed her, and she beamed and was so proud! I immediately followed suit and it felt so good! Like a siman for the year to come, please hashem.

If I could see the future, and she follows a mo lifestyle, shomer mitzvot, I would rejoice! Its not the hashkafa per say, but rather the rejection of what we have modeled for her, coupled with my fears from the path my childhood took, that is causing me such worry right now.