Question for those who have kids who have anger mngmt issues

amother

Darkblue

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:33 am

A story I often tell my son
This happened at my neighbors.
Reuven blocked Shimon car in his driveway. Shimon took a candle and let wax drip all over windshield of Reuven car. So Reuven took wet cement and put on Shimon windshield and wipers and car door handles. So Shimon called the police.

And then I pull the story apart, who was right, are the reactions justified and do you want to look like these neighbors?

amother

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:34 am

amother Darkblue wrote:

When he turns it around on u, don’t play the game-do not respond!

At a moment of calm-educate. People will trigger you in life-you need self control. I give real life examples.
Never answer back to his blaming.

Also I bought books. Not wordy . Nice messages. Even though it was for much younger kids, it was light easy to understand and quick.

I have to work on not responding!

I have often pointed out that you can't control what other people say and do and you can only control how you react.

amother

Darkblue

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:39 am

Ultimately medication and other treatments are methods to calm him now, but don’t give him the tools for self discipline.

Just like in 3 steps of teshuva, you got to make him aware of the problem
Slamming the door is not ok
Feel remorse.
This is were I say educate. When you are angry there are proper ways to respond. Also how you feel is a choice. I can decide I don’t care if so and so sticks out his tongue on me.
Kabala sl ha-asid

In future I will react differently

amother

Lemon

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 12:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

This isn't a question for someone who never dealt with this, Bec believe me my opinion would have been different before I dealt with this too.

Now, for those that have an explosive child, who gets angry, doesn't feel love, has kicked a couple holes in the walls over the years, who has shoved his parents, thrown things (at his parents), but is functional outside the house and is functional most of the time inside the house other than the occasional outbursts. What do you do? He doesn't want therapy or medicine or alternative medicine. Do we ignore treating the issue and just deal with it as it comes up? I would want to deal with the issue but he refuses so what can I do? And is it possible he'll grow out of it or are will his future wife be on here complaining in 10 yrs??

I don't know what to do with him!

I have 2 such kids. I should rather say had. Because one is bh bh bh history. Today's he's the biggest masmid, huge Talmud chucham, and his midos are something to be jealous of. When he was aprox 11/12 yrs old I wanted to send him for help for anger management. Dh went to a somebody who's knows to be very big in chinuch. He told us to let this child be. Not to do anything for now. He said very often especially the boys end up using this kind of energy for the good as they grow older. That ended up being our experience. I don't regret it a second. The other kid is a girl and we are still dealing it with it. But I do see that as she's growing older her tantrums are less often. So I'm still hoping for the best.

amother

Honeysuckle

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 12:12 pm

Ema of 5 wrote:

(Disclaimer: I have a 16 year old who was on medication for many years, hasn’t been for almost 2 years. Writing this so you know where I’m coming from, not just some random person asking a question.) What type of things did/do you do that helped? How expensive was/is it? How quickly did you start seeing a change? You can message me if you’re not comfortable writing here.

Homeopathy is a very specific system, not a general term for alternative medicine. Incidentally, we did a lot of other alternative treatments too, but if OPs son refuses medicine I doubt he’d be cooperative with other interventions.

Homeopathy has the benefit of being relatively inexpensive and extremely easy to administer. If you have a competent provider and you are good at providing a complete symptom picture, results can be amazing.

I wrote above that we used resilience naturopathy because for us rages were part of a bigger picture of brain inflammation. There are many other excellent providers as well.

amother

Azure

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 12:18 pm

My brother was like that. My parents did not deal with it properly. He knew and we all knew that he controlled them and they were scared of him.
He matured a lot when he entered his twenties. He still gets angry but controls himself. He also refused any kind of intervention so he didn’t get any help.
He’s now more or less a mentch and I hope he gets married to someone and they are happy.

amother

Honeysuckle

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 12:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

I wish he would try homeopathy. That was the alternative medicine I had in mind when I wrote that in my first post. But unfortunately he refuses to try it. Crying

Our homeopath works with refusal a lot. There are options. Water dosing is one, they don't even know they are taking it. I've heard of intranasal dosing as well.
Refusal is so hard though. Hugs.

Would he be open to vitamin patches?
Ldn cream?
Footsoaks?
Craniosacral therapy?

amother

Mon, May 01 2023, 1:31 am

amother Honeysuckle wrote:

I don't think he would be open to anything. He thinks it's messing with his body Rolling Eyes

no matter what I tell him otherwise how these are safer than"real" medicines. But he won't do real medicine either.

I have considered water dosing. Keeping it on mind for now.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, May 01 2023, 4:57 am

To those who are saying their kids outgrew it, I want to hear from those kids who are now married with children. Because nothing can trigger anger like kids and without knowing how to regulate, even those who are calmer now as adults won’t know what to do with those intense feelings of anger.

Maybe I’m being dramatic but based on experience (read: seeing how DH and even myself can get angry but there was no indication of that as a young adult) I personally don’t feel that leaving it for him to outgrow is a safe and responsible option.

Speaking from someone who has the same issue as OP and doesn’t yet have the right answer but is working on it.

amother

Mocha

Mon, May 01 2023, 7:14 am

I have an 11 year old who has always been an explosive child. We have don't therapy and bought the books. We also have gone to therapy ourselves to learn to deal with him. He is better than he was but still pretty explosive at times. What helped the most was teaching him how to calm himself. I taught him to love to read, take baths, and relax. It s a work in progress but he is much much better. I won't medicate him. (At least not now).

I may try homeopathy with him

amother

Honeysuckle

Mon, May 01 2023, 8:59 am

amother Pear wrote:

Everyone who wrote that your kids outgrew the anger, did your kid show remorse? My 12 year old has anger issues and never shows remorse which scares me.

With my child, they never show remorse in any obvious way, but if you look closely you can tell they're cycling into intense shame over their behavior. The lack of remorse is a cover for shame, and sometimes the shame propels them to act out even more. They don't want to be like this.

amother

Lemon

Mon, May 01 2023, 9:19 am

amother Pear wrote:

Everyone who wrote that your kids outgrew the anger, did your kid show remorse? My 12 year old has anger issues and never shows remorse which scares me.

At that age he didn't at all. Now many years later he hates when we talk about it. He's highly embarrassed.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, May 01 2023, 1:36 pm

I can relate! I have 2 such children...I'm dealing better with my younger, bec I have more tools. The main thing I do is modeling. I will say, " I am so angry, I need to go to my room and take some deep breaths. My younger one is amazingly starting to do this!! Don't get me wrong he will still plenty of times throw things, punch and rage all over, but he has been able to remove himself and calm down which is huge!!!