Should we stick with this punishment?

flowerpower

Mon, Oct 28 2013, 5:10 pm

I don't think the punishment fits the crime. I think she needs to have a good talk with you and explain why she nor her sister were able to help their little brother and just let him whine. Go on that trip with your dd since its good for you and her. Also find a different more appropriate way to " punish" a big lazy teenage girl. I find it very appropriate for a four year old to cry until he gets what he wants. In this case he wanted a very normal thing. My 4 year old can cry for more than an hour. Shes stubborn!

amother

Tue, Oct 29 2013, 1:17 am

OP here: Thank you for all of your responses.

A few things:

1. The decision to take the 15 year old who was involved with the whole incident along with 16 year old was my husband's. I actually did not agree with it. However, I let him make the decision. I was hoping my 16 year old would earn the trip again by behaving nicely over the weekend, but my husband didn't like that. Her losing the trip was based on not only the problem with the 4 year old, but also b/c of past things leading up to it in recent weeks.

2. My 13 year old did go. I made the details of what we did in NY very different from what I would have done with my oldest daughter. I really didn't want to make the 16 year old feel bad. The trip was fresh and different.

3. During the course of the day, I called in to check on everyone. We had a babysitter, but I still wanted to check in. 16 yo dd, was very sweet and pleasant on the phone, much more than she has been.

4. I believe her losing the trip had a very positive effect. She has been very nice, and it showed her that she really needs to listen to her parents. We definitely gained her respect for us as parents,

5. I did miss her a lot on the trip. I did feel a little sad, I will admit, that my husband didn't want to give another chance. I did have a great time with my younger daughter, though, and it was a nice bonding experience with her.

6. I told 16 yo dd that we would do something special together in the coming weeks, once I feel her overall behavior is back on track. She is excited about that and I can tell she is working hard for it.

In the end, my husband thought since we do have a bunch of teenage girls, it might be nice to rotate who gets to go on this trip. We will be going again in the Spring, so I guess we have time to consider that option.

In the meantime, I am going to think of something special to do with the oldest. As soon as it's the right time in terms of her behavior, we will be able to create a new tradition, which is exciting, too.

Tablepoetry

Tue, Oct 29 2013, 8:40 am

I'm glad it worked out, in general.

amother wrote:

1. The decision to take the 15 year old who was involved with the whole incident along with 16 year old was my husband's. I actually did not agree with it. However, I let him make the decision. I was hoping my 16 year old would earn the trip again by behaving nicely over the weekend, but my husband didn't like that.

This is what I don't understand. You were hoping the older girl would 'earn' the trip back over the weekend? In other words, earn it instead of her sister? You have one 'prize' and three girls are vying for it. Against each other.
I think that's really bad chinuch, sorry. You certainly can reward your daughters for good behaviour, but not at the expense of each other! It's like there's only one gold medal and the Best Daughter wins. You are encouraging them to 'be good' at the expense of hurting their sisters. An oxymoron if I ever saw one, and a dangerous one at that.

amother wrote:

In the meantime, I am going to think of something special to do with the oldest. As soon as it's the right time in terms of her behavior, we will be able to create a new tradition, which is exciting, too.

I don't think traditions and bonding experiences need to be dependent on good behaviour, necessarily. Maybe if you take her out for the day, her behaviour will improve. Reverse the chain of events.

Onisa

Tue, Oct 29 2013, 2:37 pm

Children are not animals especially teenagers. I doubt that moderating thesituation this way would bring positive outcome in future.
What is your goal to improve middos of your daughters because it is just so amazing to become better and grow. This is done with tons of love and a sprinkle of fear.
Or to be good ( orpretedent to be) because mommy will get me on a trip, because mother will take me instead of my sister, because im better than my sisters???? It will all follow apart one day.
Everything that my mother punished me for in favour of my brother did awful for both of Us. I want to make it clear for both. Everything that my mother did harsh with me when I was a teen became a topic to discuss withpsycologist, a trauma to outcome and e.c.t
Everything that my mother planted with love florished beautifully in me. Good that the second one is morethen first.

frumygirl42

Tue, Nov 05 2013, 9:27 pm

I'm glad everything turned out ok. Also, happy that what I'm about to describe below doesn't appear to be the case. It's entirely possible that it is a unique thing, just effecting me. However, I will mention this for future reference:

If you have something you and your daughter enjoy together equally, be very careful about taking it away as a punishment. Sometimes, it's more important to let your daughter know that the time you spend with her is as enjoyable o you as it is to her (because of the mother-daughter bond, not the extra stuff).

When I was around 15 or 16, I decided I wanted to get closer to my mom, partially because I felt we weren't as close as I thought we should be, we fought a lot.

(again, I was 15 or so, so what I thought then might not have been the most accurate description of the actuality, but that is the way I felt. I also had some depression issues that might have added to the desire for a closer relationship.)

Anyway, I thought of an activity that we could do together, and asked her if we could (without telling her the actual reason behind the request). While she was a bit surprised, she agreed. Things went on for a while, and to be honest, it made me quite happy-not the activity itself, but because I thought we were both enjoying equally, for the same reasons, something we did together.

Eventually, I did something wrong, and my mother (evidently) decided that not doing this activity was an appropriate punishment. And that upset me greatly. Because it told me that she didn't really enjoy it as much as I did. And it doesn't matter what the real reason was, or what she actually thought about it, what mattered was how I felt at the time, and that I was upset about it (again, not that I ever mentioned it to her) for a long time later. I never attempted something like that again either.