I took my daughters money!

amother

Mon, May 25 2020, 6:55 pm

Go ahead and criticize me I want to hear your opinions. There are times I question my parenting decisions and this would be one of those times.
My 12 yr old dd is very irresponsible, I try and teach her many times and it falls on deaf ears.
Shes a good, bright girl and extremely sociable girl, she helps out here and there if I ask her but shes mostly on the phone or out with friends.
I spend a ton of money on her clothes (hard to fit) and she just throws her things around. For example I bought her nude tights for shabbos and told her several times that when shes done wearing it she needs to put it into a mesh bag to be washed. I find it in the hanging hamper and snagged by a velcro and her shabbos jumper that needs to be hand washed smushed into the hamper too.
I was upset and asked her to give me $8.00 for the pair of tights.
Im a good mother to her, I dont like being mean I just dont know how else to teach her the value of money.
Id like to hear how others would handle this.
Another question, now that shes bas mitzvah age and has all her friends partys she has been spending $10 per friend. I told her $5 is enough if she chips in with friends. She wants to spend more and I told her to use her own money and even so I dont want her spending her money either.
Her and her friends just bought a $60. necklace for a friend isnt that overdone?
Im new to teens as you can tell and would love to hear your opinions.
I know that years ago things werent like this but wondering how people are raising todays teens.

chanatron1000

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:00 pm

On a societal level, it is unfortunate that preteens/teenagers are placed into situations where they are pressured to spend money. But I personally don't think it is a good idea for any individual to be the one to stand out by spending less. It's like a prisoner's dilemma. Everyone would be better off if everyone would change, but an individual who does so in her own suffers.

amother

Lemon

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:01 pm

Instead of asking for money, drive her to the store, have her use her money to purchase a new pair. That way she makes the connection.
As far as friends' gifts why not tell her how much you will give (whatever is standard in your circles) then she can use her own money to supplement beyond if she chooses.
Btw, this is all predicated on the idea that she has her own money--whether it is through an allowance or she has a reliable age appropriate way to earn. If she has no steady way to get the money I am not sure how wise it is to set up a situation (,power struggle like this). Certainly it wouldn't be fair.
Btw, 12 years old is old enough for her to learn how and become responsible for her own laundry.

ra_mom

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:08 pm

I get the tights thing. After some time of doing the same thing, it's time to make them responsible for the fallout. But then use the $ to replace the snagged tights. She shouldn't have to suffer twice by wearing the snags after paying for them. (Next time maybe don't take the money, and let her just wear the snagged ones.)
Regarding chipping in, if everyone is chipping in $10, it would make sense for you to cover that. If she wants to go over that, that's on her.

amother

Mon, May 25 2020, 7:25 pm

Thanks for all the replies and advice. Yes I told her the $8. is going towards her new pair of tights.
I told her I thought $5. from each is enough since they all chip in together and she has a ton of friends, she wanted to spend more so that came from her own pocket.
She had no issue handing me the money, she ran and got it for me. I felt bad but shes not learning. I get that shes not the responsible type and im trying to be patient with her, its a slow process.

amother

Wine

Mon, May 25 2020, 8:03 pm

Is there any way of sitting down with her and talking about strategies that will help her be able to be more careful. A second small laundry hamper for delicates next to the regular one, or one with sections. I find the more I make things easier for myself, the more likely I will follow it. Like dh never liked a hamper in the bathroom as he felt it looked messy, but I know that when I'm giving the kids a bath I don't get round to taking the dirty clothes out the bathroom, so for me I need a hamper there.
Problem solve together-try and think out the box. It sounds like she isn't being deliberately destructive, so try and think how she can gradually become more responsible without making it beyond her abilities.

amother

Black

Mon, May 25 2020, 8:25 pm

I think you’re a very smart mother. You are teaching her responsibility. One thing I would say is that you should always support her going to make money (like babysitting etc.) so she can have the money for these things that are important to her. This way she’ll learn responsibility without suffering socially. I know someone personally just as you described (maybe one of ur daughters friends lol) and she is turning a little spoiled and thinks money grows on trees. It isn’t healthy especially that her family isn’t rich (she’s just the only kid home and only kid her parents still supports). Once she gets married she will have to figure this out. (She actually admitted she hopes to marry someone rich because of this lol)

amother

Mon, May 25 2020, 8:45 pm

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

I am the very organized type which is why I have a issue with kids like this. I love her to death and I get that its a personality thing but I know how much she will appreciate this one day plus make my life easier now.
I have a very organized system, 3 section hamper one for white and 2 for colored and the tights in a mesh bag yet she still dumps her clothing on the floor each night cuz its just easier for her.
We discussed this many times and she says ma what can I do im just scatterbrained. I remind her that she can be responsible and organized if she wants to be, it takes a extra second.
I also started having her help me with laundry so she can understand that its a job that takes a lot of my time and these little steps can make my life easier.

amother

Tan

Mon, May 25 2020, 11:37 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She probably doesn't realize the value of money either, pretty common at that age!
Maybe she would be happy to wear regular socks? Some girls are not ready for nude tights at that age. They are super fragile! She might not care so much if she didn't have any! Ask her! Wink