How to excite DD about a shidduch?!

liveandlove.ima

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 4:25 pm

There is a saying that goes;
"You get engaged to your mechatanista, But you marry your chusen"

OP I totally get it, you're wise enough to look past the "family on board" thing. apparently your DD is not. if she grows to look past it; taddah. otherwise if she goes into this with negativity it may not end well. (I.e. see mom I told you it's not for me...)

Just keep praying for her bashert and if it's this, she'll come around.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 4:27 pm

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

How old is dd? I'm going to assume early to mid 20's because someone in their 30s would think twice before saying no for that reason. I think family is a silly reason to say no unless they have severe issues in areas such as mental health, abuse, dysfunction or others.

However, you're dd is an adult and ultimately it's her decision whether parents like it or not. I think you can encourage once after having a discussion with her about life, goals, whats important to her, but that's it. If she says no, I would respect her. It's hard to see kids making decisions that you think are wrong, but it's part of life.

It may be a silly reason for you buy it's definitely not a silly reason to say no. Especially for someone that's family oriented. For me and many people family is a big deal. I need family in my life and I want my kids growing up to have family in their lives as well.

bernadette

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 4:28 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I'm very happy that things worked out for you, and for other posters here.

Just remember that there is a huge gap between "not excited", "very reluctant" and "adamantly against it."

"Reluctant" you can work with, but "against it" is a line in the sand that should not be crossed.

Did you read op’s last post?
Her daughter claims that they are a simple/ old fashioned family. The boy is on the ball, but not his family.
One date would not hurt anyone.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 4:31 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

And this is why I was getting annoyed at you. The op did not write dysfunctional family on the first post. I did not assume dysfunctional family because that's a biggie and a good reason to turn someone down. I thought it would be something stupid like this.

It would never occur to me that this would be a reason. In my circles this is not a reason and certainly In my dating experience this would not be a reason. I absolutely thought it was something egregious

amother

Mustard

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 4:38 pm

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

100% agree with every word.
I think, too, if your daughter was older than what it sounds like, you would learn not to get so invested by a potential date. It's not good for you, and not good for your daughter.
Wait till after a date to express any kind of excitement, if it ends up being warranted.

amother

Linen

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 4:45 pm

I hear both sides. My mother in law found out during research that I came from a family full of neglect and abuse. But I was in therapy and in a good place and I sounded like a good match for her son who is quirky, intense, and has been through too many yeshivas from the lack of warmth and care and bullying.

Life isn't easy. Especially with my family. But DH tells me every day I'm more than worth it. His family is wonderful and we have wonderful friends close by as well. And we both are perfect for each other.

I would give it a shot if the boy/girl sounds like a good match. But not everyone can handle a difficult background and you also can't make someone go out with someone. If your daughter is t interested you can't push her.

amother

Natural

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 7:43 pm

You do marry the family. And this is something I will strongly consider because my kids are losing out not having functional grandparents, aunts and uncles. It makes family simchos unpleasant and stressful. And even though my husband is different and has come a long way, he still has issues to work on and it does affect parenting.

amother

Red

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 8:05 pm

amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:

Here’s the thing. If she is indeed ‘older’, then ‘just one date’ with someone she’s not Interested in can be terribly depleting. This is really something only someone who is or was an older single can understand. Bad dates or futile dates can really set someone back. It can be depressing and triggering. If indeed the daughter is ‘older’ that is all the more reason to respect her decision.

This 100%

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 9:30 pm

Is this your daughter’s polite way of saying the family is nerdy? My 19 year old is ridiculously adamant that she doesn’t want to marry into a “nerdy” family. She told me once she would be embarrassed to be seen with a certain family. A lot of her friends think the same way.

I hope they outgrow this soon.

crust

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 10:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hi, I'm the original poster.
Here some details she's sharing...

Family is very simple and maybe a little old fashioned...
My DD keeps saying it's not her speed. She's not mega fancy but does have sophistication to her. The boy is the only one that is "on the ball" in his family that what it seems to us. She is very family-oriented.
To put it in simple words- "it's not the family she dreamed of"

Is that a reason not to move fwd?
tia

Is the boy really different than his family? Are they functional?
If you have a clear yes to both questions then maybe she should give it a try.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

thanks for validating her feelings Very Happy

My husband tells her you don't marry the family- true to a point.
But I will back off her and respect her feelings (she is mature) And we will move forward.

Sorry, but I need to scream this: YOU DO MARRY THE FAMILY!!!!! He is a product of his family. And his family will always be a part of their lives (or not, which is also a huge stress). My shalom bayis is most affected by my dh family. When you get married, you are marrying the family.

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:09 pm

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

Everyone gets the pekela they are supposed to get. Would you have rather married someone else? If the answer would be your spouse but without his annoying family, well, that's life. No shidduch is perfect.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:13 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

Yes, I would have rather married someone else. I too was told that you don't marry the family. So I thought, ok, as long as there are no huge red flags, I don't need to be concerned about what they're like. I very much regret it.

amother

Linen

Fri, Nov 27 2020, 2:29 am

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

Every family has something though. You just need to know which somethings you prefer and can handle.

liveandlove.ima

Fri, Nov 27 2020, 3:12 am

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

Chill it! absolutely no need to scream this when the only issue with the mentioned family is "very simple and maybe a little old fashioned.." [OP's words]

So clearly we are not addressing matters of dysfunctional families. because then it sure matters.

amother

Blue

Fri, Nov 27 2020, 3:41 am

Not dating someone because their family is not as fashionable or 'put together' as you would like is a pretty shallow reason.

I guess if there is a huge difference in spending habits, and dd is worried the son will be too simple and frugal, that's one thing (incidentally, that's something that can be discussed on a date, financial expectations. Not everyone wants to live the same lifestyle as their parents, and so many people are so different than their parents).

She didn't say there is dysfunction which may have affected the boy. Just too simple. Children often turn out a lot less 'simple' than their parents, it's not a solid reason to say no.

And to the poster who said her dd and friends won't date a 'nerdy' family. What is that even? Some yeshivish speak? In the broader world, nerdy means intellectual geek in high school. Doesn't exist beyond high school.

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Nov 27 2020, 10:20 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I’m kind of the same way. Love fashion. Enjoy cooking/baking over the top. Love picking up different things for home decor. Organizing and clean de-stress me. And my husbands family is considered very yunchy, nebby, nerdy whatever u want to call it. It has been an absolute blessing in disguise to marry into such a family. Everything I do is wow, gorgeous, how do u do this. There is zero pressure to dress nice or have an amazing tablescape when having them over. I do it strictly for myself. I would definitely encourage her to meet him once. If she doesn’t like him then move forward. And my in laws are wonderful people. Very non judgmental. I find many people like that are similar.

amother

Lavender

Fri, Nov 27 2020, 10:48 am

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

Every family has something though. You just need to know which somethings you prefer and can handle.

Correct. And I needed to know that I'm marrying his family.