am I being fair? | Imamother

amother

Thu, Mar 13 2008, 7:47 pm

my kids, when they go to sleep (all 3 in one room), are very noisy at times. tonight they woke my baby up several times (baby sleeps in my room). I told the kid who wouldn't stop (4 years old) that if he continued with the behavior I would take away his shabbos dessert. he continued. so I told him I was taking away his shabbos dessert (tomorrow night).

I felt desperate, his loudness and other behaviors woke my baby 3 times.
I didn't know what else to do, I hate making threats, and I hate that I've ruined his oneg shabbos. am I being too harsh or unfair? (remember, I DID warn him).

yo'ma

Thu, Mar 13 2008, 7:59 pm

First of all, I don't think that's being too harsh.
Two things though:
1. I like when the punishment somehow fits or is related to the crime. I don't know of a different punishment though. My 3 year old woke my 3 month old after I put him into bed just tonight and I gave him a little tiny spank (he was wearing a diaper). I was just very upset because of how he woke him up and I was just about to sit down and eat supper. In the end, they both eventually fell asleep and I ate. Sorry about the side track, I tend to do that.
2. More importantly, go through with the punishment and remember to mention why he's not getting the dessert. Also, to kind of make him and you feel better, when or if he behaves extra special when he goes to bed another time, reward him with a little something.
My two sense or is it cents?!

smile

Thu, Mar 13 2008, 8:08 pm

I also used to give such punishment like no shabbos treat ...
But then I stoped like mentioned before I like that it should be relevant to what he did wrong. And also I don't like anymore to punish him with yidishkeit. For example I want them to learn the beauty of shabbos which is for them, treat aswell.

Crayon210

Thu, Mar 13 2008, 8:14 pm

I don't want to comment on right or wrong, but whatever you do, you (obviously, but not to everyone) CANNOT give him dessert on Shabbos, no matter how wrong you think you were.

cassandra

Thu, Mar 13 2008, 8:24 pm

I have three in one room and the youngest is a very light sleeper, so I started putting her in after I know the older two are asleep. It's hard for kids to control themselves like that and I really wish that they all had their own rooms, but I don't think it's fair to punish them for my space constraints. I would also be afraid that their getting punished for waking the baby would only cause them to resent the baby, which I think older kids do naturally to some extent.

yo'ma

Thu, Mar 13 2008, 8:37 pm

Oh, yeah, I forgot..also what Cassandra said. I usually put the younger ones in first (two different rooms) and then supposedly they're asleep and then the older ones. If they're asleep, a relief, but if not, every night different. I know the problem was waking up your baby and not the same thing. If he still makes trouble when the other ones are sleeping (I don't know the ages of the other kids, maybe they're older) and even if they're not, maybe he can take a book to bed or just sit someplace else and read or color until he's ready to actually sleep.

btMOMtoFFBs

Thu, Mar 13 2008, 9:23 pm

I wouldn't make a child wait for so long for his consequence to take effect. I don't think this is fair b/c the time between the punishment and the crime are so far separated. But you MUST stick to it now that you've said it, otherwise he won't believe your threat again the next time.

Also, you've set yourself up for a tantrum at the Shabbos table, probably. Think about the effect of his punishment on you and the rest of the family in the future. Maybe take away a treat when you're not all trying to have a pleasant family meal.

Why not take away a treasured toy immediately when he does something?

Another trick is to give a reward to the ones who were quiet. Bring them each a sticker to wear on their pajamas, or promise them an extra dessert on Shabbos for being so quiet.

Finally, try making him a motivational chart. Every night he is quiet, he gets an extra treat at dessert the next day or if he is quiet for five days in a row, he can earn a small prize.

Hatzlacha.

amother

Thu, Mar 13 2008, 10:04 pm

op here,

I like everything everybody had to say.

I agree, I have to go through with it now that I said it. so whether it's right or wrong, I have to follow through.

someone also mentioned that I was setting myself up for MORE problems, like the inevitable tantrum at the shabbos table (didn't think of that when I doled out the consequences)!

I like btmom's suggestions, stickers on the pj's, etc... instead of threatening with negative consequences, to REWARD with positives (like extra dessert) for the quiet-ness.

thanks everyone for your input, I felt sure I was going to get "beat up" for being too strict, but you guys validated me and gave me some great tips. thanks and a guten erev shabbos!