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-> Parenting our children
imasinger
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 Mon, Mar 07 2022, 6:55 pm
Ex is the father of our kids, and labeling him as bad makes them more inclined at times they're not their best, to feel like they are bad.
I feel very strongly that it pays to take the high road. His aveiros are not yours to share, and if he is trumpeting about what he perceives to be yours, you are much more believable if you defend yourself without attacking him.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Apr 21 2022, 3:40 am
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If I still have those thoughts, does that mean I've not gotten over it yet completely?
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amother
Peach
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Thu, Apr 21 2022, 5:43 am
Does it mean you are not over it?
Maybe, maybe not.
In my experience (as a child of a father who had an actual affair) I don't think one ever really gets over it. It's part of your life, you forgive and forget (or don't) and you move on.
That doesn't mean that you never think about it again and it doesn't mean that sometimes it still affects you strongly.
Do you feel that you have moved on and that your life is going in a good direction?
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amother
Cerulean
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Thu, Apr 21 2022, 6:54 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | If I still have those thoughts, does that mean I've not gotten over it yet completely? |
You probably haven't gotten over it. It sounds like you want to unload some of your emotional burden onto your kids. It's not your job to inform them of what kind of person their father is.
My father had an emotional affair and I was informed about this, and honestly I wish I was never told. There's really no need to share your relationship problems that you had with your ex with your kids. They will see who he is on their own.
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PinkFridge
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Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:50 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Thank you
Dc are young adults.
They are starting to see what he's like besides that he is always in victim mode (yes he was a victim years ago but seems to just be stuckin it) and I have had enough because I could call myself his victim too and I dont.
However I always like to take the high road.
So I don't know what to do.
Am I still protecting him, covering up by staying silent? |
I think you need to reassure them that he has good traits that iyH they can tap into.
I'm sure you want to protect them from being hurt. And as they're starting to see who he is, they may wonder this: if the marriage was a mistake does that mean they were mistakes? If he lets them down, yeah, they may need to know this is what their father's about but they still need to show him respect halachically.
It might be good if they have someone to bounce this off of - school guidance counselors, a teacher they trust, etc. They don't need to know the extent of how he betrayed you.
Last edited by PinkFridge on Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:52 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Pansy
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Thu, Apr 21 2022, 8:51 am
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amother
OP
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Thu, Apr 21 2022, 9:38 am
| amother [ Peach ] wrote: | Does it mean you are not over it?
Maybe, maybe not.
In my experience (as a child of a father who had an actual affair) I don't think one ever really gets over it. It's part of your life, you forgive and forget (or don't) and you move on.
That doesn't mean that you never think about it again and it doesn't mean that sometimes it still affects you strongly.
Do you feel that you have moved on and that your life is going in a good direction? |
I like what you say.
I have moved on I my life eventhough I'm not in a new relationship (and he's in his 2nd already) but in myself I have made changes, new career etc.
I guess however much I grow and build myself up, the feelings of degradation I felt when he had this affair might stay with me forever, can't really be erased, can it? Unless I get remarried probably.
And helpful for dc to know its probably not, might just destroy their relationship with him and its important they have a father figure. And the bottom line is, he is living with the guilt and knowledge of it for the rest of his life....
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zaq
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Thu, Apr 21 2022, 4:38 pm
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No. Your ex’s sins are not their business.
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