Parental Support in beginning of marriage

amother

Begonia

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:42 pm

amother Lightpink wrote:

Didn't get any monetary help at all. Parents paid for beds and some household items. In laws bought a used car. We paid for couch, table, chairs, and everything else.

You see, I'd consider that support. We didn't get the funds for furniture or cars. But it's okay, we managed lovelily on our own.

amother

Broom

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:46 pm

amother Broom wrote:

I’m married over 10 years and we still get money TMI

The amount has fluctuated over the years depending on our income. I’ve worked since finishing school and DH was learning for most of our marriage (a number of years in a well paying kollel). Now we both work but we’re still given something monthly to help out. We’re very grateful. And we would love to be able to help our own children, if possible.

Not sure why I got a hug. I didn’t ask my parents for this. They have the means and the desire to lighten our load. And they did not in any way come from this lifestyle. What’s wrong with helping your children, if you choose?

amother

Jean

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:46 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

You see, I'd consider that support. We didn't get the funds for furniture or cars. But it's okay, we managed lovelily on our own.

Our parents paid for none of our household expenses, but I would not say that paying for a used car and some furniture is "support." Those are some very nice gifts. Nothing like 50K for a down payment or buying clothing or food or helping with tuition or camp.

amother

Pistachio

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:48 pm

We received $1,000 from my parents monthly and when we put down our own money for the down payment they paid the monthly mortgage of $1,500 (20 years ago). This went on for about 10 years with so many strings attached and at the expense of my shalom bayis, mental health, and eventually I had a mental breakdown from taking so much abuse from my parents.

No. Amount. Of. Money. Is. Worth. It.

Ever.

amother

Lightpink

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:48 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

You see, I'd consider that support. We didn't get the funds for furniture or cars. But it's okay, we managed lovelily on our own.

I was referring to monetary support or monthly support. I am grateful for what they gave and had no expectations for more. I am grateful we were able to manage everything else on our own.

amother

Jean

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:48 pm

amother Broom wrote:

I wasn't the hugger, but to answer your question, a lot of people take pride in taking no help and feel it would reflect poorly on themselves if they need to (or simply do) rely on others.

amother

Broom

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 10:50 pm

amother Jean wrote:

I wasn't the hugger, but to answer your question, a lot of people take pride in taking no help and feel it would reflect poorly on themselves if they need to (or simply do) rely on others.

I hear that, but I also think that learning is a significant contribution to the world. Nothing to be ashamed of.

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 11:52 pm

I chose unlimited.

That meant that my parents invested money in an account for me from when I was born, and by the time I was 20+ it was a large amount.

That entire sum was given to me when I got married, to use as dh and I saw fit.
We lived very frugally for the first several years to make it stretch, and still live very frugally now, 10+ years later.

I'm very grateful to my parents.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Mar 21 2023, 6:50 am

When our child was married, we paid half the couple's rent for about two years. That child was young and in school and in-laws also paid half (it was also a reduced rent through a family connection). We also paid for phone and basic necessities on a credit card as we would have if unmarried. Once that child graduated and was employed, we no longer paid rent, but continue to help in small and some larger ways as our parents did for us. We are very grateful for any help we received (although didn't expect) and the same is true of our children. We emphasized that self support was a goal and ideal but that if there was a problem, we would be available to help. They work hard and we recognize that expenses of a Jewish life are enormous. If we can help in some ways, we will. Must also think of needs of younger children and of our own future expenses.

amother

Navy

Tue, Mar 21 2023, 7:24 am

I come from a large poor family, as does my DH. We were married off (low grade) and were sent our way to fend for ourselves.
20 years Into marriage and we're still renting an apartment. Both of us Working hard and not making ends meet.
It feels painful reading how many couples are supported on different levels, helping out tremendously. What several of you were mentioning is small gifts would have been tremendous for us.
Oh well, this is part of our many nisoyonos.
Posting about it, just to make you aware to appreciate Anything you recieved.

amother

Oak

Tue, Mar 21 2023, 9:41 am

My father offered me a bare bones/Takana wedding (which was beautiful with the basics) and $1000 toward rent in Israel for the first year. Alternative was a more lavish/higher standard wedding. We jumped on the Israel offer and super grateful to have had that opportunity. We both worked as well but it made it manageable that first year as we settled in.

amother

Obsidian

Tue, Mar 21 2023, 9:50 am

From the day after wedding we didt receive a penny support. Our first food order came out of Drasha Geshank.
(Our parents paid for lots of the gifts, clothing and partly furniture before marrying us off.)

At first I was a little resentful, that we were just abandoned to float on our own at barely 20. Looking back however, I can say it was the greatest thing our parents did for us. It forced us to learn the ropes and figure things out pretty fast. By the time we celebrated our 6th anniversary we were already living in our own apartment.

Not saying it was easy, but I am extremely proud that everything we’ve accomplished, was with our own ten fingers - and hashems help of course. There’s no greater feeling in the world.

amother

Calendula

Tue, Mar 21 2023, 1:28 pm

Nothing formal.

My in-laws gave us here and there when things got tight--but they did help us with our down payment.

My parents give a few hundred before most yamim tovim as a gift. It's a huge help and we never know if we'll get it, when we'd get it and how much. I'm married over 20 years and they still will send us a check before sukkos and pesach.

amother

Razzmatazz

Tue, Mar 21 2023, 1:58 pm

I was still in college when I got married and my husband was learning in kollel. My parents supported us with $1,000 a month until I graduated. In addition, my husband's grandmother would often give us two or three hundred dollars a month to help us get by. Despite working every hour that I wasn't in college, babysitting between semesters, etc., we barely managed financially. Those were the days before you could stay on your parents' health insurance plan until age 26 so all of the money I earned went straight to health insurance. I am extremely grateful to my parents for their help because I know we would have accrued significant debt without their monthly support.

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 21 2023, 2:02 pm

amother Goldenrod wrote:

Regarding your last paragraph-just to play devil's advocate - you do not believe in kollel, but what if one of your children does? I don't think that the decision whether they start off marriage working or in kollel will be up to you.
That said, of course you do not need to support them. It is possible to live a kollel life without support. And you are incredibly generous for paying for their degrees.
I just take issue with the fact that you are so certain they won't learn in kollel. I know quite a few men who chose a kollel life even if their parents didn't want it

And I know some daughters, too.....

amother

Bisque

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 12:49 pm

I have a large family, still paying tuition for our younger kids. Our oldest is married. We don't give them much. How could I? We're barely scraping by month to month. B"H my son works and is able to support his family. He started working before he got married and didn't go to kollel. In our community the norm is to learn until you get married and then 1-2 years after that, but I'm glad my son started working right away.

My parents didn't have money to help us out. My grandmother a"h was very generous, she paid for my kids to go to camp every summer until she passed away, and then left a yerusha that covered 3-4 summers of camp (unfortunately that money is long gone now). Fortunately I have only one kid right now who is currently the age for overnight camp. The others are either out working during the summer or too young for camp.

I"ve really worked on myself over the years not to look over my shoulder at what other people have. I just focus on my own situation and our many, many brachos. Do some people have more than me? Live in nicer houses? Have more money despite not working hard as I do? Not my business. I've also cultivated friendships with people who share my attitude towards gashmiyus. We lean on each other and reinforce each other, so we don't need to feel pressure to impress anyone or worry what anyone else is thinking.