Young elementary DD suspended for 1 day

amother

Mon, May 01 2023, 7:35 am

My young elementary dd was suspended for the day for destruction of property.

She has ADD and was testing boundaries. She didn't cause monetary damages but broke a few rules that could cause damages if done consistently.

How do I make today a day of consequence rather than a vacation day? Her dream day is sitting in pajamas all day and reading. I also have a couple of fun. errands that I'll have to take her with me.

oneofakind

Mon, May 01 2023, 7:43 am

I'd think of things she has to do to make up for what she did - write apology letter, pay a fine etc. I'd make a low key, boring in the house day no treats.

amother

Bisque

Mon, May 01 2023, 7:44 am

I think being suspended is punishment enough. She's going to have to go back to school and face her class tomorrow. Make sure she's prepared. Otherwise treat her normally. I wouldn't take her out for ice cream but she doesn't need any additional punishment.
PS I think it's extreme to suspend such a young child unless she hurt someone else or did something dangerous.
PPS Is she on medication?

amother

Cappuccino

Mon, May 01 2023, 7:44 am

You should let her have a relaxing day. Otherwise, she'll just get more stressed and be more likely to act up again later. ADHD is a real disability, not a choice.

WitchKitty

Mon, May 01 2023, 8:14 am

Hide the books.
I don't agree with those saying that the fact that she's home was enough. When I got suspended in elementary school is was a punishment for my mother. It was a great prize for me.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, May 01 2023, 8:18 am

I would I make it a not fun day or she’ll have the attitude of I’ll break more rules and get to stay home. I would have her get dressed right away and have her do some chores. She can help fold laundry, clean up the kitchen, put away toys etc… I was that kid

amother

Nasturtium

Mon, May 01 2023, 8:21 am

Do you have a therapist you’re working with?

ADHD is a disorder and a suspension isn’t going to fix it. The school decided to suspend her so she’s stuck at home. That doesn’t make you her prison guard. Just go about your regular day.

amother

Mon, May 01 2023, 8:22 am

She's medicated and has therapy and yo the poster saying it's a punishment for the mom 100%.
I'll have her write an apology note, I made her get dressed, and try to find chores that I can trust her to complete.
Ugh. Thank God it's my day off from work.

amother

Maple

Mon, May 01 2023, 8:42 am

I would have loved to be suspended. As a kid with adhd, I destroyed a snall school item belonging to another child - out of impulsive curiosity, not because I wanted to destroy it. I'm pretty sure if I got to stay home from school after something like this, I would not have thought twice about doing it again because school was awful with adhd.

Your daughter should have a consequence during the day related to whatever she did wrong. Like do chores to earn money to pay for the damage, write an apology letter, get a lecture from you (my adhd daughter says my lectures are a bigger punishment than anything else LOL

), etc. She doesnt need to suffer the whole day of course, but it shouldnt just be a relaxing day off, some of it should be dedicated to consequences. Just during down time dont give any extras (no screen time or food treats or special toys).

amother

Cappuccino

Mon, May 01 2023, 9:04 am

When the reason for the behavior is the lack of ability to behave correctly, the only solution is to work on the necessary skills. Conditioning works on children who are already fully capable of the correct behavior. Attempting it where skills are what's lacking can lead to deep-rooted resentment. Even if it seems fair, the child experiences it as trauma.

amother

DarkViolet

Mon, May 01 2023, 9:10 am

I wouldn't make it a punishment, but I would put together a reasonable age appropriate ordinary day of productivity. That would minimally include getting dressed, davening shacharis, at least 45 minutes each of kodesh and chol academics, eating and cleaning up own lunch, and cleaning up any mess made during the day after oneself.

amother

Mon, May 01 2023, 11:28 am

Thanks all for your perspectives. It is so hard to know what the right path through is.

She created the damage by testing rules and boundaries to see which ones can be broken.

Yes, school is a special kind of hell for ADD kids, more so twice exceptional kids like her who are brilliant and pretty much learn by having the book on their lap.

She is already driving me up the walls and it's not even 11:30

mha3484

Mon, May 01 2023, 11:31 am

I hate hate this punishment. My son who is 8 had this a few times. I get where the school was coming from, they want to show him that actions have consequences and you cant ruin something and act like its business as usual but I also don't really think the punishment taught him a whole lot either. Its really hard. Tweaking his meds and working on self regulation was much more helpful. We also realized that english was the trigger for a lot of it and when he got a lot more help with math, the behavior improved a ton.

Last edited by mha3484 on Mon, May 01 2023, 11:32 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mon, May 01 2023, 11:31 am

mha3484 wrote:

So what would you recommend as a punishment?

amother

Clear

Mon, May 01 2023, 11:38 am

Love her. No need for you to shower extra discipline. Do your errands and enjoy each others company. No I'm not saying to purposely reward her and make the day exciting.
Yes suspension and detention punish parents but this is the,way the system works. School is hard for her she will need lots of love!

Ps. To the mom that says hide the books. My father used to empty my room of books with each 'time out' joke was on him. He worked hard doing it and I just learnt to hide a hood book somewhere for the right moment

mha3484

Mon, May 01 2023, 11:38 am

I edited my post above but I think was a combo of adjusting meds, working out his triggers and a lot of problem solving. It got a lot better.

amother

DarkViolet

Mon, May 01 2023, 11:54 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes, school is a special kind of hell for ADD kids, more so twice exceptional kids like her who are brilliant and pretty much learn by having the book on their lap.

Long term, school will not be sustainable if it is "hell." My daughters' school allows them to work independently on advanced material and then to do certain preferred activities when they finish early, such as art and pleasure reading. The DD who has ADHD is motivated to finish her work when she knows the rest of her time will be her own. I don't know if your daughter's school would be open to something like that.

mha3484

Mon, May 01 2023, 11:59 am

I agree with dark violet in theory and my boys yeshiva works really well with my sons (I have more then one kid with ADHD) but the girls schools, from what my friends tell me have much more rigid expectations and expect a lot more obedience then boys schools. So for my boys its not anywhere close to hell but for girls it really could be so I empathize with you a lot.

amother

Mon, May 01 2023, 5:03 pm

amother DarkViolet wrote:

Let's hope things will get better both for her and the school system. We are trying to get her to do extras in class but she's having a hard time with the 'quietly' part.