Nosy neighbors | Imamother

amother

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 2:09 am

Thing is, we already tried to break the cycle by inviting everyone over and holding a vaad meeting in our home. They all had a good long look, but it did little to improve relations with them. Two neighbors even started asking DH for loans (which he stupidly gave them, tbh I think it made relations worse and not better) because we've "cash to splash" (we really don't, its just that we sold in a more expensive city and DH works very hard.)

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 6:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Ok so you are officially the buildings gvir. And now scrooge for expecting loans repaid since you clearly have extra and they dont....Time to move...cut your losses. They will never treat you like a neighbor. You will never be happy. I'm just saving you years of heartache.

amother

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 6:51 am

B'Siyata DiShamaya wrote:

'Gvir' is precisely the word I used when begging my DH to stop handing out loans. I told him- this won't make you any more popular! They'll resent you even more, despite doing them a favor! And that's been the truth... I'm sorry I came to live here, but have made too many investments in the apartment to leave now... At least most are old and there's a high 'turnover' if you get my drift. In the meantime a neighbor rang from the makolet for DH's credit card details to buy "materna for the baby since we've been without for days" only for him to rack up a 700+ shekel bill... "a few extras for shabbat"...

Hashemi yishmor, even by Israeli standards I'm at a loss...

familyfirst

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 11:59 am

You’re being a pushover

No giving out credit card numbers. You call the store and tell them that you’ll pay for three maternas

It helps that the neighbors are elderly. You’re in a different age bracket and probably have a different social circle as well

No more coming to your apartment, no more loans. Be civil and polite. They don’t need to check the roof. Tell them to send their repair man.

Goodness. Their kind of neighborliness is honestly stifling

ra_mom

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 12:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

Turn off your phones. Ignore the doorbells. This is insane. I hope you didn't give your dh's "credit card details". Who does she think she is, your daughter? Even a daughter wouldn't just "ask for your credit card details" but would ask Dad, do you think you can help.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 1:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

I hear, so time to change strategy.

1. Embrace your new title - Wife-of-Gvir or Gveret or whatever.
Your dh is going to continue giving his (your) money and cc, so sit with him to work out a budget of moneys available to help neighbors and put yourself in charge of it in order to free him for his work, learning, spending time with the kids etc. Then keep a notebook of your tzedaka spending, if you consider it that. Anyone who calls him is referred to you instead.
Don't give cc number to anyone, pay at the makolet directly. You need to keep records and follow your receipts/ charges - in case your number gets in the wrong hands. This happened to my relative. Dont ask. Someone asked him to pay his makolet bill, next thing he know the guys mortgage was tied to his cc and really messed him up. DONT SIGN to be anyone guarantor/arayvut.

Hashem has obviously chosen you for this task, may you always be on the giving end.

2. New rule- no one over the age of 60 goes out on the roof via your place. Its too dangerous, blame your insurance company(I'm sure if you ask them they would be horrified and forbid this) Encourage only professionals to go out there. Of course you should only open your home when its convenient for you.
If they dont like it, they can always go via the ladder. (I assume there is no mirror-apartment to yours so another family can open their doors...)

3. Nosy neighbors need clear boundaries and lots of patience. If you want them as friends, you will need a blind eye and deaf ear and easily forget the stupid stuff they do and say.

Good luck!

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Aug 31 2023, 2:07 pm

From the very few details you gave out, I think I know what type the neighbors are.

They have literally grown up dirt poor.
To them, anyone who can afford not only to buy a duplex but to renovate it is a multi millionaire.
They have been state pauperized by being given help for all sorts of things because they are poor to the point where they see anyone above their level as legitimate grounds for requests for help.
Many of them grew up on the old state communist style values and they are perpetuating those hashkafos.

That's for the understanding bit.

How to deal?
Great idea above - no one over 60 can go out on the roof bc your insurance doesn't allow it.
No giving out cc details ever. That's seriously crazy.
Go into your house, close the door and stop worrying about the neighbors. Be nice and friendly and commiserate with their sob stories but be "stupid", deliberately don't get hints or even outright requests. Can they have your cc number? Laugh at them - what are you, my daughter? They need materna? Here's the number of the local tzedaka, you're sure they can help. etc.