Sahm vs Working moms. Why all the hype?

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 10:17 am

Amother narcissus u echoed my point exactly!
Those who are confident with what they're doing don't brag to others, they don't feel the need. If a Sahm doesn't feel the need to tell a working mom that her kids suffer with ABC bc she's out the house so much, the working mom won't feel defensive nor will feel the need to put the Sahm down for living her life.

amother

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 11:38 am

I agree with Tichellady as I posted above-I've not really come across it irl other then a coment or two maybe. And I've been on both sides, at times I've worked at other times not. I've seen it a lot on Imamother-I'm not on any other Social Media, not even on my sibling watsap chat I prefer the phone altho I do text-maybe people say things stronger or things they wouldn't say irl bc it's anon. Idk whether my community don't judge or SM reflects reality.

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 12:58 pm

amother Narcissus wrote:

In my world, there are 2 kinds of SAHM mothers who irritate and get comments back.
1) the clueless, concerned, condescension
I feel so bad for your kids that their mother never gets to volunteer at school
what's the point in having kids if you choose to send to daycare and not raise them
why can't you just not go to work
your child has his issue/diagnosis/challenge because you work and he knows he's not your priority

2) those who proudly game the system while other people pick up the shortfall.
Tuition cuts, tzedaka, Chessed, programs
All proud "I'm so smart, you're an idiot"

Don't do those things,and no one cares.

Right, I also don’t appreciate the SAHMs who think they are better than working moms and imply we are all secretly jealous of them. I tried being a SAHM, but for me I needs more intellectual stimulation that I get from working.

mommyla

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 1:22 pm

I find that there is a lot of judgment from both sides. (And I say this as someone who's been a SAHM/part-time WAHM for most of my mothering career.)

Some SAHMs are judgy of those who don't SAH. (See recent thread where a holier-than-thou mom insisted that everyone can do it if they just try hard enough.) These moms give the rest of us a bad name. I'd assume that it comes from insecurity and/or a need to prove themselves or justify their choice/privilege.

On the flipside, it can be easy to get defensive of the SAH life because so many people think that we're lazy, spoiled, unmotivated, ripping off the government, or just taking the easy way out. I'm sure that there are SAHMs who are, but the majority of us are not. Also, we're not looking down at those who don't stay home, and we don't necessarily have the time or the inclination to volunteer/take care of your kids after school/drive every carpool because we're "not doing anything all day anyway."

Similarly, some working moms feel like they have to justify their own lives to SAHMs and may come off as judgy or defensive, either due to feeling judged themselves, feeling guilty about working, or feeling bad that they can't stay home.

Everyone needs to just live and let live, IMO.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 1:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

Seriously, what's it all about?
Why's this topic so emotionally charged?
It should be a fact. Either 'I work' or 'I don't work'. With no snobiness, proving that your is better, feeling smug that you 'chose' to work or not to work (most don't chose-just do what circumstances dictate). I had my 1st five kids in 5 years. I didn't work then. Not because I was idealistic, not bc I'm a 'true bas Yisroel' (quote from imamother) etc. Simply bc daycare was expensive and I wd've come home with zero paycheck. Fact, plain & simple. Did I judge someone with the same no/age kids who did work? No. Maybe her DH worked from home. Maybe her MIL paid for daycare. Or babysat. Maybe she came home with zero paycheck but felt stimulated after someone else looked after her kids & was able to be be a better mom bc of that.
If someone makes a decision to work or not to work or her life's circumstances dictate that she workes or doesn't, let it go. Why get on your soapbox to defend your choice or pull down other peoples choice?

It took me a bit to figure out that the title SHAM is SAHM. Please edit. The connotation bothers me....

amother

Lightgray

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 2:16 pm

I've been both and I'll tell you they are both hard. When I was a SAHM, all the working moms who looked down on me also ALWAYS asked me to drive their kids for everything. I was driving carpool every day (sometimes with multiple pick ups) and one of them told me "It's not a big deal for you because you don't work." Uh, thanks. One of them asked me to drive her kids so that her nanny wouldn't have to wake the baby and go out. She wasn't even a close friend. Seriously? Now that I'm working full time, some Moms don't understand why I don't have time for a phone call or a meet up during the work day. You can't win. Everyone should make her own choices based on her family's needs and her personal decisions. It's no one else's business. People feel threatened if you make different choices from them.

amother

Lemon

Sun, Oct 22 2023, 3:34 pm

It's strange, I never thought about SAHM v working moms until very recently. I stopped working just before yomtov, I am taking out a year from my work (or maybe more). I just need a break. But I don't even have kids at home all day, even my youngest is in school until 2pm this year.
I just need to get my life back together, and have a chance to focus on my health, my family and my home.
But here is what I'm finding:
1 - people who hear that I'm not working are incredulous. 'What, you aren't working?!!!' 'How are you paying your bills?' 'Aren't you totally bored all the time?' These are the most common comments I've been getting. Everyone is wondering if we've just received some big inheritance or won the lottery or something, because if not how on earth could we be coping financially... The truth is that I carefully put money aside for the last two years to help with this eventuality because I've been dreaming of taking a year out. Yes, we have to be more financially prudent this year. But it will be OK iyH.
The worst thing about this is that all these comments are making dh wonder if I'm normal or if I'm crazy for not working because he's seeing how everyone around him thinks I'm crazy. Sad

Basically, its making him doubt me and my common sense. Also hearing everyone ask me if I'm bored, he thinks I'm loafing around all day doing nothing while he's working hard and is now feeling a little resentful. All this negativity from dh only happened because of other people's comments btw... this is making me really upset Sad

2 I am really enjoying having time to daven each day, to say tehilim, to visit my great aunt who is lonely, my elderly neighbor in the hospital, to cook for peoples meal trains etc. and yes Im getting asked for a lot of favors, can I drive this ones carpool, can I sub for that ones preschool class etc...

Bottom line, cant people just live and let live? Let everyone make their own decisions in life without judging! I cant believe the amount of judgement I've had in just a few weeks...