I hit my kid | Imamother

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

I hit my kid

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amother

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 10:06 am

amother Maize wrote:

Op I soooo get you. I also grew up with a lot I'd abuse.
On top of it all, we have adhd running in both dh and my family. One child with inatentive adhd and PANS. Bh after 5 years PANS is in "remission" and one child with adhd and a history of trauma in her preverbal years (newborn) so it's a colorful mix bh.
At times I felt like I was a zoo keeper.... no kidding.

For dysregulated children. Consequences need to be easy and quick. And very direct. And BEFORE they spiral.

There are very few rules in my house.
1 keep your hands ajd feet to yourself
2 food only at the table
3 no get in the table
4 no disrupting normal family activities. No matter what. If you do you get to go to your room to calm down and try again.
5 no chutzpah

For chutzpah, I say "that wasn't respectful. I need to 2 minutes to myself, then we can resume" if they start cursing screaming whatever I add a minute. "That'll be 3 minutes" "4 minutes" being that the kid is dysregulsted, it'll take some time. Meanwhile I'll also say, if you need help calming down just say so, otherwhise I'll talk to you in 4 mimutes. At the 5 minute mark I'll remind them that when I get to 10 they lose a privilege. And I followed thru right away.
It would end up being 10 every single time. Now, depending on the kid I usually thru stop on 5. Sometimes even 2. They absolutely HHAAATTTEEE it.
They know I'm always willing to help them out but they must do it.
This has taught them more than anything I ever did, If you can't speak with respect to me, you can't speak to me. I just don't accept it. Period.

Now, we've had a lot of discussion about appropriate ways to express anger and frustration. I allow all kinds of feeling to be expressed, in appropriate ways.

There is also another trick that's crucial to avoid chaos amd crisis. You need to be a bit alert
If you see a child getting a bit dysregulated. Don't wait for it to errups. Go over and offer a tight warm hug. Or some physical roughhousing play like tickling. Or spinning. It helps then get back into a regulated mode.

The less your child gets out of control the more they will want to stay regulated. The more you will be able to work with them towards being regulated.
I also keep telling myself "I can do this, I am their mother. Hashem gave them to me because he knew I can do this" it helps keep me focused on doing it right WITHOUT getting my emotions worked up.

With this strategy, dysregulation and severe tantrums and chutzpah (which was a huge problem in my house) went down by at least 80-90%!!!!!

The house is so much more peaceful. And everyone benefits. Bh!

A week ago, my 8 yo so used to always curse me out and tell me what a horrible person I am (adhd ajd trauma) for the first time in YEARS randomly walked over to me and gave me a hug telling me "you are the best mother in the whole world!" I told her I'm the luckiest! Cuz hashem gifted me with her. And I truly believe that with every fiber of my being! (It helps that she's extremely pretty ajd bright kyh 🥰)

We are still at the learning stage of house rules for this kid, they are there in theory but slow going to implement calmly.
I follow through with consequences immediately 90% of the time, but sometimes Ill give himna second chance.
Part of the problem is that it takes time for him to get what I'm even saying and keep up, so then it's not even his fault!
And I usually take that into account.

I always talk about ways to release our emotions, what is appropriate and what is not. I make it very clear when I'm wrong, I communicate when I want to scream but take deep breaths instead and reward myself and him that we calmed down. I constantly give positive feedback.

Preempting the disregulation when it starts is definitely a good idea. I suggested he do such activities yesterday because I wasn't up to it, but he didn't want to do it himself.
The problem is that I am the tool to help hom regulate, I have been working to get him the tools to do it on his own.

I think you posted some really great advice, thank you!

amother

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 10:08 am

amother Silver wrote:

This goes against everything I have learnt and I learn ALOT. Children can’t calm down, accept consequences, or regulate themselves they need a calm co-regulator. Sending them to time out or you going to take time out, giving consequences can’t possibly regulate them. Most likely they have gone into a shutdown state which makes it much easier for parents to manage and they seem calmer but they are in a much unhealthier state that will cause them great challenges in their future. They are far from regulated when in a shutdown state.

I agree.

I think she wrote a lot of good points to avoid the meltdown from happening, not necessarily how to deal with it once it happens.

amother

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 10:10 am

amother Sage wrote:

OP can you stop and feel sorry for yourself. I did that too. The guilt and pain.
For a moment think about what led up to that.

What triggered you to lose it. After many such incidents I sat down and said no more. I finally figured out which buttons were pressed, how it made me feel, what it brought up inside of me. Which anger was triggered badly enough for me to lose myself and act like a monster.
And slowly healed that part of me so that I am no longer so triggered and wont react in suchh extremes.
In the meantime though I learned to step away when I saw those buttons being pushed. I prevented the escalation once I knew what feelings to look out for.
Try to sit with it. Without guilt. Just full compassion for yourself that youre in deep pain and dis regulated yourself because of your own childhood wounds. Without blame. Just compassion to stop the cycle of squashing the overwhelming feelings and them exploding.

After doing lots of this work on myself I bh only lose it once a year or less. As opposed to weekly. My children feel safe with me now. I always apologised afterwards that I will try to control my feelings of exasperation more and its no excuse and they didn’t deserve it no matter how badly they behaved.

I don't feel sorry for myself.
Not even an ounce.
I feel sorry for my child.
That they deserve to have a mother who is their safe space, their biggest supporter, etc. And not the other way around

Also, I do step away when I am triggered.
Most of the time. I have been getting better and better. I just don't believe better is good enough.

amother

Maize

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 11:01 am

amother Silver wrote:

I've also learned a LOT. And I know where you are coming from. I stopped reading for pleasure and red all kinds of books and researched all kinds of techniques.

My children are actually a lot more Content and absolutely not shut down bh!
Ive tried a million things.
They have learned that I am always here to help them out with whatever they need.
All they have to do us ask. But chutzpah and being physical is never tolerated.
That mommy can handle all their emotions even the most intense ones. But will not tolerate destruction or chutzpah.

For regular parenting I follow something similar to "respectful parenting" not completely but similar. It is what I saw with my grandparents (from one side of the family. Who were incredibly loving respectful kind parents.)

It also depends on the age I guess. My younger kids I handle a bit differently. But they are also more regulated. Over time as I healed from my childhood I was more regulated. So my younger kids never got to see my dysregulated like my older ones did.

My older kids (almost 9 and 10) are so much more confident on their abilities to handle things.
After a few weeks of sticking to this mehalach, my oldest who struggled with bullying was able for the first time to stand up to her bullies. She grew such a self confidence and grew TREMENDOUSLY. Her therapists and teachers, my family everyone noticed it and commented on it.

Phoebe31

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 11:41 am

You sound like you have an incredible amount of self-awareness, I think you should acknowledge how incredible that is! No, it is not ok to hit your child but you know that and are working to heal yourself so you can support your children, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. I also don't think you should call yourself abusive, if you were, you wouldn't be trying to work through it. What you need going forward is tools to avoid this happening again. (which I see some ppl posted above)

IMO, the most important thing you can do is to sit down with your child and apologize to them, repair what was broken, everyone makes mistakes. I am not saying you should make excuses for your behavior but you can tell them how you are working on trying to regulate your emotions, that it is something you need to do and that you are so sorry for taking it out on them.

amother

Daylily

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 12:00 pm

Another thing you can do is have your child push against you in a playful way when they are mad. "Can you push my hands? How strong are you?"

Or have them squeeze your forearm. This is connecting and gets out the frustration.

Telling a child to regulate themselves and to think they will use skills on their own is mostly unreasonable.

That doesn't mean that you need to do ALL the work.

Also your child may become upset if you scream but that's not the same as squeezing a towel or pushing against something. There are many ways to regulate.

You can also hug each other tightly.

amother

Silver

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 12:21 am

amother OP wrote:

I know my child enough to know that he needs me to regulate him.
I have been trying to work on giving him different tools so he can do it on his own, but like I said 75% of the time, I'm the one who has to do it.

I do tell him I feel like I am going to scream and I need to move away to calm myself myself down, and it actually makes it worse, he yells "no mommy" in a terrorized voice because he needs ME to calm him down and he can't do it on his own. He will keep screaming until I come calm him down.

That’s how it works for everyone. Nobody can calm themselves until they have had co-regulation, and even then as you and I being living proof we also can’t always calm ourselves down but if had a loving supportive person next to us helping calm us it would go along way! That’s human nature and the way HaShem created human beings. Your son can’t possibly regulate himself yet, it’s not age appropriate or possible.

amother

Valerian

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 12:32 am

The yetzer hara wants you to eat yourself up in guilt. He knows that this is an opportunity that you can turn everything around for yourself and your child but he wants to make sure you feel that you are a bad mom and you have already ruined everything.

Know that you are doing a great job. You are working so hard. I’m sure all the hugs and attention and good moments you have her made a huge difference. They didn’t all go away when you hit her.

It’s a good wake up call to find ways to let it happen less often and then never.

Some ideas:
1) lower your expectations. Expect her to act the way she does so when she does it you are more prepared react better. That way you can also help her to act that way less.
2) you mentioned that it’s all on you. Take care of you. Make sure you eat well and give yourself treats for how hard you work.
3) it might be helpful to read a book or a parenting workshop or video that speaks to you and you feel will apply to your kid.

Take it easy. Take little steps.
Remember all the hugs still count.

amother

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 6:48 pm

amother Silver wrote:

How can I calm him down when he is spitting at me or kicking me?

I can't coregulate if he is hurting me.

That is why I go into a different room.

I Gave a few warnings and now I'm in the room.

(I'm completely calm just unsure how to proceed. I already deescalated 3 meltdowns calmly today)

amother

Azure

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 7:16 pm

amother Mint wrote:

I’ve been there. I didn’t hit but I’ve screamed on top of my lungs while holding his arms and shaking him.

Yes I felt like an abuser

I have nothing to say

I learn that I can’t have guilt, but my son will always have these memories. That fear

He is so unbelievably disregulated at times that I have completely lost myself

He’s been tested for pandas, fits all the markers, and hasn’t been treated properly
Multiple times

I’m at my wits end

My poor, poor son. Stuck in a disregulated body with an awful mother Crying

So now it’s time to get him a neuropsych evaluation and meds if necessary.

amother

Silver

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 7:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is a terrible problem and I completely get it. Problem is you needing to walk away (which I’m not saying is wrong) but it heightens him . The fact you de-escalated him 3 times today already tells me you’re at your limit because you just kept going without replenishing all that energy the other 3 times took out of you. I get it I really do. I may not be the best person to advise since I’m extremely learned but still don’t always mange to do what I know and what I have learnt… firstly acknowledge how great you did today and how great you ARE doing right now! Secondly I’m very much like you and the guilt and self-hatred afterwards eats you up and is dysregulating you even if you don’t realize it , but it’s making it harder for you to regulate him and stay regulated because your self judgment depletes a lot of your energy( I know because I’m the same). If you need to go back out give yourself a mental pep talk of how well you have been doing today and you can continue to. Speak in a very low soft voice ask him if he wants a hug or something you think he might want. Often you can’t even talk to them or go near them when they are already dysregulated and you have to let his stork play put until he’s exhausted himself (in all honesty I’m not sure why but it happens with me that my kid could go nuts for hours and once I lose it they immediately calm.) I don’t suggest losing it if you can help it but I just know that often once they are mid of going crazy the only way they break out if it is by me losing it (but there has to be better way. I’m just telling you a fact) is that what is occurring now ?

amother

Apple

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 7:18 pm

amother Mint wrote:

Let me know when you figure it out. This is exactly what I'm going through.

amother

Silver

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 7:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

Instead of giving warnings, first time you notice him doing something go over to him and give him something to replace his behaviors with something regulating. For my DS it’s almost always something sensory - putty, fake snow, shaving cream, goop…..
and I would encourage exploring putting your child on medication. I put my FS in low dose at 4yrs old it was very helpful.

amother

Daylily

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 7:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's really too much. Especially if you are getting dysregulated from your kid.

You can turn your kid away from you and give him a tight hug to calm him down. You should never be in the crossfire. You need to be able to turn the child away from you.

There are methods to deal with this kind of behavior.

amother

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 7:43 pm

amother Silver wrote:

I don't have guilt or self hatred.
I just want to do better.

I wasn't at all disregulated today.

Not when I went into the room either.

I only went into the room when I was done being spit on.

I offered hugs, I offered something else as a distraction, etc.

He broke the door some more.

I offered more hugs, reiterated I needed a safe space, asked if I could come out and he wouldn't hurt me anymore, but all he did was yell for me to come out. We did this for 20 min and then he told me yes he won't hurt me and I came out.

I told him if he breaks the door it won't work anymore, and tried to explain why he shouldn't do it.

I wasn't going crazy, this is how I respond most days. I was calm and regulated.

I just couldn't be in the same room

amother

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 7:45 pm

amother Daylily wrote:

I wasn't even disregulated today.
He didn't want a hug, he can kick me if I'm behind him too.

What methods?

amother

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 7:50 pm

amother Azure wrote:

So now it’s time to get him a neuropsych evaluation and meds if necessary.

He had a eval.
No meds were recommended.

Lots of sympathy and therapy reccs

amother

Apple

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 7:56 pm

OP you are describing my son and his challenges exactly! I can't believe someone else is struggling with the same. He spits on me and kicks me and I also go into my room and then he proceeds to kick and break the door. So many things in my house are broken. I am at my wits end!

Methods I've tried:
>1 2 3 timeout
>Hugs
>Speaking softly
>Forcing him to apologize
>Role playing how he should speak to me
>Insisting he uses his words
>Repeating myself 30 times in a calm voice
>Speaking to him at calm times about good middos and things he can do when he feels upset
>Offering sensory toys and exercise when he's acting up
>distraction/ book reading
>screaming and hitting 😔
>OT sessions (paid cash)
>positive reinforcement/ compliments/charts/ prizes

Unfortunately NONE of these methods worked. I honestly don't know what to do anymore!!

amother

Daylily

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 7:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

I wasn't even disregulated today.
He didn't want a hug, he can kick me if I'm behind him too.

What methods?

If you're not dysregulated why are you going into your room? You kid shouldn't be able to hurt you like that and have this power over you.

Parenting coaches specifically. Otherwise a therapist trained in this.

#BestBubby

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 9:20 pm

That is what I would do when I felt overwhelmed,

Go to my room and take a break.

Maybe try laying down and listening to music on headphones.

Or taking a shower.

Have some nosh (chocolate) in your room and water.

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