I hit my kid | Imamother

amother

Apple

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 9:22 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

That is what I would do when I felt overwhelmed,

Go to my room and take a break.

Maybe try laying down and listening to music on headphones.

Or taking a shower.

Have some nosh (chocolate) in your room and water.

But what would you do if your child was kicking and banging down your door while you were trying to gather yourself?

amother

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 9:36 pm

amother Daylily wrote:

If you're not dysregulated why are you going into your room? You kid shouldn't be able to hurt you like that and have this power over you.

Parenting coaches specifically. Otherwise a therapist trained in this.

Because he was kicking me and spitting on me.
I needed it to stop and calmly told him that if he spits or kicks again I will go into my room so I can have a space space.

If you have a recc for a therapist trained in this I'll take it.

amother

Tue, Nov 14 2023, 9:37 pm

amother Apple wrote:

OP you are describing my son and his challenges exactly! I can't believe someone else is struggling with the same. He spits on me and kicks me and I also go into my room and then he proceeds to kick and break the door. So many things in my house are broken. I am at my wits end!

Methods I've tried:
>1 2 3 timeout
>Hugs
>Speaking softly
>Forcing him to apologize
>Role playing how he should speak to me
>Insisting he uses his words
>Repeating myself 30 times in a calm voice
>Speaking to him at calm times about good middos and things he can do when he feels upset
>Offering sensory toys and exercise when he's acting up
>distraction/ book reading
>screaming and hitting 😔
>OT sessions (paid cash)
>positive reinforcement/ compliments/charts/ prizes

Unfortunately NONE of these methods worked. I honestly don't know what to do anymore!!

Thanks!
All good ideas!
I think I need something specific when he is being kicking/hitting/spitting.

For screaming I can sit and watch him if I'm regulated.

I did try a hug from the back and rolling on the floor with him to prevent him from kicking in a humorous way during meltdown #5 today (I think it was 2 meltdowns later than the one I posted) and it worked.

amother

Daylily

Wed, Nov 15 2023, 6:50 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes, that's what I meant, to come from behind. Great job!

amother

Daylily

Wed, Nov 15 2023, 6:55 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm not understanding why you are going to your room with he is spitting at you. Let him spit. If you want you can turn him around so it doesn't land on you.

The kicking you really need to learn how to get a hold from behind him. It's a skill. Keep practicing.

Going to your room so many times a day can be very disconcerting for a child. I don't think you realize but the message he is getting is that he's in charge of you and not the other way around. It makes a kid feel scared.

I don't have a therapist that is good at this (most aren't) but I would try any of the parent coaches that give courses in the frum community.

I used to have this a lot with one of my kids and years later he told me that him feel very insecure and unsafe to see how much power he had over me.

amother

Daylily

Wed, Nov 15 2023, 6:58 am

amother OP wrote:

I wasn't even disregulated today.
He didn't want a hug, he can kick me if I'm behind him too.

What methods?

You don't offer the hug. You go over and give him a huge hug from behind, disabling his hands and legs while doing so. You hold him that way to he is calm.

amother

Jade

Wed, Nov 15 2023, 7:18 am

OP your son sounds exactly like my kid with pandas before they were treated. Now a few years later and with aggressive treatment we have none of the rages, meltdowns, aggression. It wasn't an easy or cheap or clear-cut journey but so, so worth it in the end.

amother

Wed, Nov 15 2023, 8:28 am

amother Daylily wrote:

To clarify:
I went to my room when he was kicking.
I need better tools when he kicking and when he is spitting.

I went to my room a total of one time yesterday.
I stayed the other 4 times.

amother

Wed, Nov 15 2023, 8:31 am

amother Azure wrote:

So what’s his dx? Psychologists don’t recommend meds, you need an MD for that.

I've been to multiple MDs.
Not one recommend meds.
(If I begged im sure I could have gotten them, but it was not their recommendation)
They recommended all the therapies he is currently getting.

amother

Daylily

Wed, Nov 15 2023, 9:54 am

I have been debating if I should say so take this as just food for thought. I don't know you and I definitely don't know what's going on inside your body. But one thing you need to ask yourself is are you really regulated or are you just able to stay calm and have an outward appearance of regulation. Because it doesn't seem congruous to me that you only need to go to your room once but when you do it an absolute must and that you are also struggling with not hitting your kid. It's very possible that you're not aware of the dysregulation inside of you on a moment to moment basis.

In your first post you wrote that you try to be gentle. For me that was right away a red flag. Because in an attempt to be gentle we can squash feelings, we can try to go outside of our emotional capacity, we can try to to be softer than the child needs.

I have struggled with emotional regulation for a very long time and I am not in any way judging you. I have also hit my kids in the past though I haven't done so for a very very very long time.

I wish you a lot of luck and it's not your fault. None of it. I just hope you can get the right kind of guidance for you and your child.

I think I mentioned but you can look into Irene Lyon and her work.

You can try Bach remedies, craniosacral therapy, there are lots of alternative things to do for these kids but it takes time and money and siyatta dishmaya.

For yourself I hope you can be with yourself a little more and let yourself feel.

TwinsMommy

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 1:05 am

Our 16 year old is in a special program for the most behavioral teens in our county. Our safety plan includes going into our bedroom and locking the door. I think that (escaping from the child) depends on the age of the child and the function of the behavior. If we're in the room with him when the poop hits the fan, our lives are in danger. We've had police and ambulances here-- it's not pretty. Not all dysregulated kiddos can be calmed down with help from parents. Helping a 3 year old through this is very different than helping a 16 year old through this. With a small child you can (hopefully) place them somewhere where they cannot hurt others. I can't physically move my son who weighs a lot more than I do.

Therapy. Meds. Special programs if available where you live. Special schools. But NO yelling and NO hitting.