Daughter became extreme after seminary

amother

Holly

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 12:01 pm

I didn’t read through all the responses and I don’t know the situation personally. But what you described can be mental health/OCD and it can just be a erliche girl. I grew up in a chilled litvishe family and I was the “drummer” daughter, since probably around 9th grade. I was always attracted to the Chassidish lifestyle. I listened to lots of shuirim in Yiddish and now I speak a perfect Yiddish ( even with the chassidish havura) when I came home from seminary I told my parents I want them to look for a chassidish shidich. I was wearing, not shluchy, but very tznius clothing. I told them I want my chusen to have gigrazeled peyos and wear his tzitzis out, I want my sons to have gigrazeled peyos. I was wearing tights with seams and tops with collars almost every day. For my family this was considered very frim, but I considered myself chassidish, and this is how we dress. I bh found my amazing husband, who is chassidish, and we have a regular chassidish life and family now, if you would see me in the street, you would never know I grew up litvishe, I even changed to a Shpitzel a few years ago, I got married with a shaitel. For me it worked, doesn’t mean it’ll work for everyone. You have to know your daughter

amother

Holly

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 1:32 pm

amother Holly wrote:

This is my experience, might not work for everyone

amother

Lawngreen

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 1:54 pm

amother Rose wrote:

I've done this. Don't think there's anything wrong with it.
I knew if I missed maariv it would be hard to get back on track, so I went to sleep to get rest and recover, and at 4 am I felt well enough to daven.
No issues there

I’m curious what stage of life were you at then?
And what stage of life are you at now?

octopus

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 2:01 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I think these types of things are hard because it's hard to know if they are coming from a healthy place - a person's neshama can have a different leaning than their family's mesorah - or a place of OCD or something similar.

I think the thing that would be most worrisome would be areas of relationships. I myself chose a path that is somewhat to the right of my family - married a long-term Kollel DH, and my family is JPF, not their mesorah - but I'm very, very close to my family and siblings, no looking-down-on, just, this is what spoke to me and works for who I am.

I will say that some of this is typical adolescence, they think they know so much better than their parents, and don't trust them with lifelong decisions, which is such a shame because their parents have wisdom to offer even if they are different.

OP as much as possible I would avoid opposing your daughter. Work with who she is, so that she trusts you. You will be better able to help her that way, especially with anything long-term.

Exactly. So hard to know if this is coming from healthy place or unhealthy place.

amother

Almond

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 7:12 pm

Like many others mentioned, she might be ok, just pulling in a direction of a path that suits her better, or, she is really not ok and needs help.

I personally was like your daughter. Got married to an ultra frum religious OCD guy and then one day I crashed and dropped religion completely. Lately I’ve been trying to find non religious reasons to keep Shabbat and kosher for the sake of my kids, for the sake of my dear grandmother who is heartbroken that I’m not religious anymore.

I don’t know about your daughter but it may very well come from an unhealthy place and if that’s the case it will crash.

amother

Tue, Nov 21 2023, 11:56 pm

Wow, a lot has occurred since I was last on. Thank you for all who've weighed in.
I do want to clarify that my daughter is in general a healthy person; she's never had any mental health or emotional issues. On the contrary, she's always been a remarkably stable teenager, friend, really no drama issues at all. She's never displayed anxiety or depression, which is unusual considering that it is so common amongst frum girls these days. She's always been a really stable, smart, low-key, down to earth person. And in every other area, she's pretty much herself. I guess that's why some of these behaviors worry me. Because she's always been so consistent, so reliable, so low-drama. I guess I'm afraid that she really thinks that she's thought things through, and I'm scared that she'll make serious life decisions (ie as she has already changed her college plans) that she might come to regret once it's too late.
In terms of the chassidish leanings, I agree that it's not consistent. Because although she now seems enamored with the levush, the yiddish, the culture, she actually has a very litvish mindset... she is very learned and wants to learn inside (like on the mens' level, she has no interest in "vaibishe" shiurim, she wants hard facts and knowledge and sources), sucking up knowledge, is very makpid on litvish halacha (ie zmanei tefila). She expresses that she does not intend to marry/become chassidish (though if by some chance she would... she'd be ok shaving her hair). So why the yiddish shiurim? She's become into yiddish music, learning the distinction between the different levush of each type of chassidus, etc. I'm so confused! And I'm afraid that she's confused.

Thanks to many of your suggestions, I plan to reach out to mentors of my own, and hopefully they can help me find the right people who can guide us, me and her together.

amother

Kiwi

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 12:48 am

I don't see the getting up at 4am to be an issue, tbh. I and many of my friends did the same. I don't know where they all are today to say whether they still do it, but I don't and most of the ones I know don't.

Teens do extreme things. I think it's beautiful when they take it to a holier place rather than rebelling or being extreme in negative things that have zero value.

It's a phase, and I really don't see anything to be worried about. Also the stronger you are in these things before you marry, the higher chance that some of it will stick around when you are on 2 hours of sleep for a week straight and haven't had a moment to yourself for three weeks straight. The less strong you are, the less you have to drop before you reach zero.

OP the biggest issue here is that you don't approve of her lifestyle/community choice. It's not really yours to approve/disapprove. Be there for her, support her choices, and eventually if you are a good mom she will reconnect with you as an adult and respect your choices as well. You can also make it clear that as she is now an adult, respect is mutual, you will respect her and you expect her to respect the family's choices as well - which means not badmouthing, not putting down, etc. etc. Mutual respect.

Good luck.