What’s the norm for having help after twins?

amother

Teal

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 10:05 am

amother Offwhite wrote:

Everyone would ‘take’ more help! But for most of us one is offering!

I think what that mom meant was that SHE WOULD DO IT DIFFERENT because some things are worth MORE THAN MONEY. Trust me, we barely make it month to month, but if I didn't have an aid through insurance I would take out a loan. I wouldn't ask my parents or in laws. But either way- whether you have twins or 5 kids under 5 or whatever tough family situation you are in, it is ALWAYS more important in the long run to prioritize help so that you can have a calm functioning home. That is different for everyone.
And if you have twins it's literally close to impossible to manage if you have other little kids and no older kids to help.
If you have siblings/neighbors that are helping, kudos- That IS help.
Also, is the husband around? Are the babies colicky? Does the 5 year old have adhd? Does the mother have a medical condition?
Like, hi, how do we know.
But bottom line is, having twins is very hard, it's a big bracha but it's very hard.
If you were able to do it without help, first of all I doubt you enjoyed it, so please let's hope everyone gets that help.
Yes, maybe that mother was saying that on paper she felt all she could do was be forced to manage that way. But if she were to do it again, she learnt that it would BE WORTH IT FOR HER to borrow, or beg or figure out a way to get more help.

That is actually a learning curve that shows growth, not weakness.

amother

Denim

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 11:22 am

2 Family members had twins. Both did not have live in help. my neighbor had triplets and also no live in help. Neighbors came in at all hours to help with holding, changing, rocking the babies and the other kids in the house. You live with what you have. these twins now are about 9 years old. amazing children. Triplets are older. Maybe this is a new thing where mothers think everything is coming to me?? if you have $, do it if needed. If no money, take help from family members, neighbors. You can get through this without a nanny. you might be tired but it's very possible.

amother

Poppy

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 11:38 am

amother Denim wrote:

Not everyone has neighbors that help. I don’t have twins but have 3 under 3 and a very very colicky baby. My neighbors see my outside with the baby at every hour of the day and night. I ask if their daughters can babysit (for pay) and get a no. My siblings are overwhelmed with their much bigger families bh. I can’t manage without my paid help.

amother

Bluebell

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 11:40 am

amother Denim wrote:

No family or neighbors were offering me any help. No one was offering to hold any babies for me. No one should feel another person is responsible to pay for your help, but so many posters who know this person or that person who has twins, but they themselves do not, giving advice!!! Help is help ,live-in or not! That's not called doing it yourself. I am telling you there are very few circumstances where the mom can do it all herself especially when there is already a brood at home besides the twins. Even if someone came in for an hour here or there that's help because it's absolutely impossible to be "on" 24/7. Yes I know some thought that the daycare post was odd, but even the mom of twins knew exactly what I was talking about. Even though I'm sure it was an incredible struggle just getting to work. If you don't have twins and your friend or neighbor or cousin has twins you still have no idea what you are talking about. Don't talk the talk of you haven't walked the walk.

amother

Poppy

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 11:41 am

amother Denim wrote:

amother

Springgreen

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 12:08 pm

I used to live in Brooklyn. Years ago it used to be the norm to get a nurse for twins from government funding. I know a family that did it. One baby was born with a medical condition so possibly Years how it started. I don't know if any shtick was involved. I don't think it's the case now. I know a family with twins she went to a kimpitur heim that her parents Paid for 2 weeks. She had tons of local help though.

I actually know quiet a few close in Lakewood I know a few families working and stay at home mom. Non had full time help for a year. I know a family that had a nurse until the twins were 3 months then she went back to work and sent her twins to a babysitter. She also sleep trained very young I don't think it was right away at 3 months more like 5-6. Mother of only young kids. I know another family that had no nurse,she's a morah she took the year off but also sent her twins to a babysitter. I know a stay at home mom that sent her twins out twice a week. All her other kids were home until 12 months with her. These were the first of her kids to go to a infant babysitter.
I know a family that had a nurse for 5 months. Part of those months she transitioned back to work. At 5 months she felt her babies were a bit easier at night. Her husband helped at night. Some went to ai Leah also

The nights are hard some took babysitters and napped during the day some sleep trained I know of people that work full time with live ins. They don't necessarily have twins. It depends if you could afford.

amother

Chambray

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 12:24 pm

One of my children had twins about a year ago. The other grandparents helped for a week as did DH and I on a different week. The husband took his allowable paternity leave and the wife stayed at home permanently after the babies were born. They babies are now over one. The family is still able to have the wife stay home but no vacations, no extras etc are in their tight budget. By the time you take out taxes etc, the cost of 2 babies in daycare would have been close to the wife’s salary..

amother

Catmint

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 5:58 pm

amother Teal wrote:

Yes yes yes yes yes! I believe this very strongly
I think some people prioritize their money (and their savings) more than their lives. It’s such misplaced priorities. Money is there to serve us. Nothing else
Using our money to make our lives easier to serve Hashem is beautiful! Sometimes it’s necessary to go into debt in certain situations to hire more help (I have done this at certain times) rather than have your house and shalom bayis fall apart

amother

DarkCyan

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 6:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

I need help settling a debate. Someone I know had twins (already has a few kids prior to the twins) and expects her parents to pay for hired help for an entire year. Her parents are not super wealthy - they do have some money but they think that a year is a ridiculous amount of time to pay for full time help (I’m inclined to agree).
The mother of the twins is practically swearing that this is the norm when it comes to multiples.

So, moms of twins, how long did you have hired help?

(I’m not actually going to get involved with this fight but I want to know just to see if I’m right)

She’s not owed anything, same way other adults pay for their help, she too can.

amother

Green

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 8:08 pm

I had twins. We didn't hire help.
We had no money for it.
Our parents didnt have the money for it and never offered such kind of help.
Both sets of parents gave us some gifts as "take me back home set" and baby toys.
I got super for 3 weeks arranged by my neighbors&friends.

I lived in Israel.
The norms and the USA are different..

amother

NeonBlue

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 8:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

I did not have a nurse. I was on a huge twins chat for frum mothers and I dont think most ppl had a nurse for a year. It;s expensive

amother

Trillium

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 10:00 pm

amother Aquamarine wrote:

I was told that Medicaid in NY only pays for a nurse if there's a medical issue. A close relative had twins and was denied services because both babies were bh healthy.

My twins were full term healthy bh and we got aides but I let them go at 4 months I was sick of them I had to many stories. I did them and sleep trained right away

amother

DarkCyan

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 10:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

Not obligated to pay

amother

Poppy

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 10:44 pm

amother Chocolate wrote:

I had a baby nurse for two weeks and that's it. There is no normal. You do what you can afford to do. 6 months sounds outrageous to me honestly.

And I had for 6 months with a singleton (kids close in age). I was back at work and not managing. I don’t think it’s outrageous as long as you’re not expecting someone else to foot the bill

amother

Rainbow

Wed, Nov 22 2023, 11:55 pm

I don't remember if I posted before, but there really is no normal. Our twins were numbers 3 and 4, kids less than two years apart, and we didn't have any help except the occasional mil visit for a few hours a week for a few weeks. I certainly didn't feel the need for a night nurse or full time help during the day. I went back to working from home when they were four months and eventually sent them out in the mornings at seven months.