Dd getting engaged. Need advice

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:33 am

amother Scarlet wrote:

I got married a little over a year ago and food order was about that. Prices have also skyrocketed since then. And no I didn't by truffles and fancy stuff just basics like spices and other pantry items. Can't Believe It

Coming back here to clarify I paid for those things myself ahead of the wedding. just wanted to give a number of what things cost these days

amother

Mintgreen

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:35 am

amother Mintgreen wrote:

We got one dresser from a thrift store
My baby’s crib and dresser was being given away
Welcome to the low/ middle class reality

Oh I also paid for his watch and for a portion of the Tallis /bag/ kittel package and the becher I got him during the engagement. I was self sufficient. And I’m proud of it. My parents made me a beautiful wedding.
The only lack I felt was that my gown wasn’t right for me. With more $ it could’ve been
Oh well
Grateful for a happy marriage bh

amother

Begonia

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 12:40 am

Wow it seems like tiferes Devorah lkallah is giving out way more things/$ than what I spent on my wedding! And the standards just go up for everyone if that’s what a tzedaka organization is giving out…I don’t understand why we do this to ourselves in Lakewood

amother

Peachpuff

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 1:36 am

what r u teaching your children handing out bedroom furniture, gifts galore, etc...so so sad.
we paid for pckg and split with chosons side. dresses were 150dollars each to rent bridal dress 300 dollars. no furniture they bought at thrift shops. no car!! yes food in apartment for about 200 dollars .they built up slowly...what chinuch is is when everything is handed over ... wow!
we gave simple 600 dollar watch talking and kittel, some seforim (not a shas as we cldnt manage it)

amother

Yolk

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 2:31 am

My daughter got a stunning gown from a gemach in Lakewood. You just give a donation. We just needed to pay for alterations.
Makeup / hair the Kallah used someone high end, rest of family including me used someone new on the market and very cheap. We were very happy.

amother

Ginger

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 4:25 am

amother Yolk wrote:

which place did you get gown from?

amother

Ballota

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 5:14 am

amother Carnation wrote:

For the wedding....

I don’t think so. “The boys side brings the car” refers to the boys side providing a car for the young couple. This is fairly standard (but obviously not an absolute MUST) in the yeshivish, in town community I live in

amother

PlumPink

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 6:59 am

amother Begonia wrote:

She said they paid for Tiferes Devorah at cost price
Tiferes Devorah has diff programs based on income/ family size etc.
some get it totally free, some get it for cost

amother

Oldlace

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 7:34 am

amother NeonGreen wrote:

I really think that we need to differentiate between posters who are older (50-60) bec standards are different .
Or 40 something’s that were not learning when they got married and were both working/self sufficient.

Im in my young 30s, and my husband learned in kolel for the first bunch of years. I supported by working full time and we made it work by being extreeeemely frugal.
This thread is nauseating me.
If this is how the yeshivish in town world is setting expectations for young couples then there is something seriously wrong.
It's so gross.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 7:52 am

Got married four years ago. My gown was from a gemach for maybe $350? Very nice gown I was the first to wear it. Siblings gowns were all rented for maybe $250 each? Groceries for a new apartment don’t cost $1000 I spend less than that on my monthly groceries for my family right now. My furniture was a combination of Craig’s list, bought some things new not from Jewish stores, took a siblings old dining room table etc. I got one expensive wig for $2500 high end that I got on sale and it still looks amazing now, virgin hair, and I got one fall for $1000 (wigs have gotten a lot more expensive since then). I got a lot of presents for housewares from relatives, friends etc but not everyone gets this. My grandmother bought me dishes and some kitchen appliances. I got two new dresses for sheva brachos for $220 each and then wore things I already owned for the rest. I also bought new shabbos shoes for sheva brachos. My parents are normal middle class ppl my father is a professional, I’m not even particularly simple I dress trendy and buy expensive shoes etc. It’s very bizarre that we have tzedaka organizations to provide kallahs with furniture that girls from average working families don’t get. Im perfectly happy with what I received as a kallah and am not resentful at my parents. I don’t even think I spent that little, my parents aren’t poor! If you can afford these extras then great but don’t feel obligated to get all these things because a kallah just have these things.

amother

Bluebonnet

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 8:02 am

You do not to spend 10,000 on furniture lol
You can get a couch nowadays from Wayfair, dinette chairs on amazon, a small table on Wayfair, a bookshelf in ikea and two mattresses and headboards for 2500. No one has wooden bedroom furniture.

Sheitels are probably more than 2000
I would budget 3,000 for each.
Some costs can be cut down like a vort can be made at home, gowns for siblings can be built up from Nordstrom etc etc.

amother

Jean

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 8:23 am

amother Begonia wrote:

It blows my mind that a Kallah can get TDL but still spend $1500 per gown....we are a Lakewood Kollel family, and we didn't qualify because my daughter's sheitel (she needed a custom size) was over 3K....but we spent $85 per gown at a Gemach, and the Kallah's gown was free from Gemach but cost us $325 in alterations.

I think this is a great example of when they don't look at an overall picture and nit-pick on one item. I don't regret spending more on a wig for her, that will BEH last her for alot of years, and less on gowns that we wore for one night.

amother

Jean

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 8:26 am

amother Garnet wrote:

I never heard of these organizations and am actually trying to wrap my head around this.

Me and my siblings who got married recently got gowns all under 500 each from gemachs , and did not get furniture sets. Got headboards from wayfair, couches and shelves from ikea , and a table and chairs from Walmart.com. For the record, we are totally in town ‘in the box’ bais yaakov type.

I am actually in shock to hear what is going on elsewhere - people being married off with 8-10k worth of furniture is a luxury!!!! Has it become a necessity that whoever can’t afford that can reach out and receive it? I’d love to hear more and understand better.

And I think $500 is alot to spend on gowns, but would rather spend on furniture for the couple (though I spent less than 8K). Why is it necessary to spend so much on one night?

Everything is about priorities....

Fave

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 8:36 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

I put in a good word for synthetic hair sheitels.

I love mine.

They don't cost that much, you don't have to think you are wearing an expensive work of art on your head, you don't care if it rains, you wash it yourself in the sink, you have a few exactly the same, they keep their set automatically. Yes they fit. You can make them fit. If one is tight, I just cut it inside and then it's looser.

They don't need a wig cap indoors. Outdoors, yes.

No, don't trim them. You can, but it's probably better to just get another one and put that one aside. Your taste changes and a year from now you might like it.

Don't judge it until it has been washed once. In special synthetic-wig shampoo only. Cold water. Press in a towel. Air dry overnight on an open wig stand. In a baking pan to catch any drips.

Many are very natural looking.

Wow! Good to see you back!

UQT

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 8:45 am

amother Hosta wrote:

Sorry, I'm confused. Did the chosson's side pay 30K and yours - 65K? Or it was 65K total, but not 50/50?

Lakewood Yeshivish does not do 50/50. The Kallah side pays lots more than the chosson side.
Right now it is on the chosson to provide a car but since prices are astronomical, many parents give a certain amount and the rest come out of chassunah money.

To list what you paid 10 years ago has no basis in reality. Prices more than doubled on some stuff. The gifts that you got are still the ones given today but now a Tallis just costs way, way more.

Keep in mind the chosson himself has maybe a 5k in the bank if he saved his bar mitzvah money and worked summers.

If the girl is 20 she worked for one year and is sitting on maybe 45k that you hope she’ll save for a down payment one day. If you want the Kollel lifestyle you have to help them set up once.
To come say what you did or didn’t get, when you’re husband wasn’t planning on learning for x amount of years and would be bringing in money within a year of finishing his schooling is totally irrelevant.

amother

Melon

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 8:51 am

UQT wrote:

Also keep in mind that the daughter will be passing every Penney of it on and then some to the next generation when HER daughters get married.

Chayalle

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 8:53 am

We made a wedding recently.
Kallah's side was around $12500 for the hall, Chosson's side roughly $6500. Kallah's side pays furniture, invitations (they pay their own stamps). Both DD and her Chosson had their own car they brought into the marriage (that each of them bought on their own).
We paid $1500 for Kallah teacher.
Our DD's shidduch came from a process of ideas of a few different people (there was the girl who thought of it, the relative who redt it to the other side, and the Shadchan who saw it thru) so we ended up asking a sheilah and splitting Shadchanus, and rounded it up to amounts that made sense. So we paid around $2000 total.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 9:01 am

Just putting out there, if you aren't an enormous crowd but just a big crowd, bais Faiga is the cheapest option.

If you are on a budget, esp if you are taking tzedaka from organizations, you should look into making a wedding there. I've been to a couple recent & they are very bakovodig (except that the entrance hall isn't fancy). Plus, imo, I find the basic menu much tastier than the cheder Halls.
Smorgasbord & dessert look exactly the same.

Also, on the gown topic, they were recently collecting money for a family member that was making a wedding and we gave $7,500 and the only way my husband agreed was because he knew that they got all gowns from a Gemach, used a hall w/I budget etc.
He was not giving tzedaka to someone when 20% was going to the kallahs dress for 5 hours.
Ps the kallah looked STUNNING as did every sibling. And I don't want to hear, well this kallah really needs...if you can find that $, pay for the rest yourself.