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Forum
-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Sun, May 12 2024, 12:20 am
I allow my kids to have unlimited screentime (with some limits like h.w done by a certain time, stopping a bit before bedtime.... )They are ages 13 and under. It's filited and lets through tovedoo, yidflix, Torah live and etc... (no games though). I would say they each average 2-3 hours after school. It's one computer so they either take turns choosing what to do or watch something together... I honestly don't find it makes them cranky or effects their school work bh. They always choose playing with friends over staying home on the computer (the computer is no big deal to them at this point since they can go on whenever they want) I see the amount of time my kids spend on the computer is decreasing the older they get ( and they get old enough to go to friends houses on their own). Bh they seem to be turning out well.
I'm an introvert and crave alone time. It's hard for me to be "on" for so long. Somtimes I wonder if I'm being lazy (as referred to on the s/o thread), but it makes me a much better mother since I have those breaks. When I interact with them - when they come home, during supper, playing a game together, putting them to bed, I'm calm and patient and really enjoy them.
I live in a development with a bunch of families. While some families seem to manage just fine, a lot of mothers are stressed out, juggling a lot and find it hard to not get a break. For example the family next door to me the mother doesn't allow any screentime and she's proud of it. I hear her getting impatient and yelling and screaming at her kids all the time. I feel so bad for them. At the same time I know I shouldn't judge since if I didn't have screentime for my kids I could see myself acting a bit like her  . I can't help wondering why she thinks she doing such a great thing by not allowing her kids screentime. Yes I'm definitely more "lazy" then my neighbor but I think my kids are better off for it. In ten years from now, my kids might wonder why I let them have so much screen time but her kids will probably need a lot of therapy.
Just wondering if screentime is not a terrible as some people make it out to be. I know not all kids can handle unlimited screentime or screentime at all (makes them cranky or wild or effects their schoolwork) I'm not talking in that situation, or a case where someone has very easy kids and prefers not to allow it or has the ability to parent well anyways, but I look around and see so many overwhelmed parents "losing it" with their kids and can't help wondering if some screentime is the better choice of the two...
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LovesHashem
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Sun, May 12 2024, 12:47 am
Why do both options have to be not ideal?
No judgment, I have loads of friends who do screen time. I get it, it's hard for me too I'm autistic, I have sensory overload, I need off time, it's so so hard.
But I build other coping mechanisms, shortcuts, self care, and skills into my schedule. Personally for me, anger and yelling is both unacceptable as is screen time for my personal standards of my own expectations.
We do play dates, parks, other interactive activities like crafts and coloring, we ride bikes outside, hang out by neighbors, do toy rotations, go on hikes, go to the mall, and get out in other ways where I feel I am not constantly having to interact nonstop.
The change in scenery is amazing for my kids and me, to interact with where ever we are. My husband helps alot and I dont work full time allowing me to have time for myself. I'd rather live on a lower standard and give all my energy to myself and my kids.
I know this doesn't work for everyone, and some people need to work time for various reasons and can't handle some things I can. Some people have neurodivergent or difficult kids, or medical issues or other things. I'm honestly not judging anyone.
I really take each day as it comes and daven a lot that I will have the skills and abilities to care for my kids as best possible.
I think also surrounding yourself in a community where kids don't watch changes alot, as the kids have play dates and neighbors to play with and have less of an interest in watching if they don't see alot of others doing it.
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Comptroller
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Sun, May 12 2024, 1:03 am
I grew up without screens at home or in school, just books and radio or maybe cassettes, and it kept me busy.
I learned to pay attention to what I hear, and I use this skill in my profession. I read a lot of books, which enriched my vocabulary. That's also something I use in my profession.
Also, I think interaction with children, telling them stories, reading books together with them, doing activities, letting them "help" is very important, both for bonding and for the children to learn (baking, washing dishes, cleaning bathtub, peeling veggies). Children learn a lot from what they see, even if they do not pay special attention to it. It would be a pity to deprive them of those experiences.
Playing outside or doing organised sports is important for the children's perception of their own body, self confidence, social skills and it allows them to let out energy. It also encourages them to practise to aquire skills, which in turn is time they will spend on their own and away from screens. Music lessons, art classes will also have this effect.
It would be a pity to deprive children of those kinds of experiences and to think that screens are the only way to distract them when you have no time.
All these things require initial effort and investment (maybe also in money), but they will teach children to occupy themselves without screens.
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amother
Cyan
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Sun, May 12 2024, 3:26 am
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Most people I know have very limited to no screen time during the week, and are also not losing it with their kids. People who can't parent without yelling etc need to work on the root cause and/or figure out how to help themselves, but allowing endless screen time is not the best choice for the vast majority of them.
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amother
Topaz
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Sun, May 12 2024, 3:30 am
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Educational games are better than video.
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amother
Blonde
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Sun, May 12 2024, 4:21 am
My rule with screens is you can have as much screen time.as you want after obligations are met. Obligations include homework, chores, some time outside, some time of non-screen play. During the week, this effectively comes out to 30-45 minutes a day. On Sunday or other days off this can obviously end up being more, but on those days, we also make plans to go out and do something, so then it still ends up being about 2 hours of screen time and no more. We also do family game nights which can sometimes be a video game (like Mario Kart) or family movie nights. So I don't think it's some big maileh to never have screen time, I think it can be neutral or even positive to a small extent.
The thing is, it can VERY easily get out of hand and get to a not good place. I have been there and had to work very hard to get back to a healthier place. My kids are bh very bright and academically advanced, so it didn't affect their school performance, but it did affect their behavior (both at home and at school) and they were also not in great shape physically (they are naturally skinny, so they didn't gain weight or anything, but their motor skills took a hit and it was very obvious that their physical play skills were underdeveloped). Screen time is fine, even b'davka as part of the daily schedule, but you need to be honest with yourself about how much of it is really happening, kind of like eating extra calories unintentionally, it's always more than you think. It is important to be on top of the situation because it can spiral out of control very quickly and yes, it can cause real damage. That's not some chassidishe asifa speaking, that's thousands of peer reviewed studies from the secular world.
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ora_43
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Sun, May 12 2024, 4:27 am
"Under 13" is a broad category. If a 12-year-old has 3 hours of screentime a day, I'd think it's a lot, and I'd worry that they're losing out on opportunities to do other things (eg that their reading/verbal abilities might suffer slightly because of spending less time reading, or that they'd be physically a bit out of shape from spending those extra 3 hours a day sitting).
But it's not the worst.
OTOH a 5-year-old watching TV for 3 hours a day is a really big deal and I'd be worried.
In the moment it's better to be watching TV than having a screaming fight with your parent. Cumulatively, over the course of a decade, it's better to occasionally get yelled at by a parent than to spend an entire year of your life watching TV.
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ora_43
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Sun, May 12 2024, 4:31 am
One thing I think is important is that you can't compare kids who are used to a rule to those who aren't.
Meaning like, if your kids are used to watching TV for 3 hours a day, then suddenly they aren't allowed to do that anymore, they will be bored and whiny and miserable.
But if they're used to watching less, they're... well. Still whiny. But less so.
Unless they're toddlers, the fact that they aren't watching TV shouldn't mean the parents get zero alone time. There are also books, audiobooks, playdates with friends, drawing, after-school activities, going to the park and hitting each other with sticks, etc...
(ok semi-kidding with that last one) (but only semi-kidding; my kids' memories of their massive outdoor stick battles are fond ones)
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ora_43
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Sun, May 12 2024, 4:47 am
One more thought, I wouldn't lump all screen time together, either.
Playing a computer game with friends is better than sitting watching a TV show alone. Educational videos are better than random nonsense, watching with other people is better than watching alone. Etc.
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amother
Snow
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Sun, May 12 2024, 5:35 am
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I think you empowering them with self regulation, is the most important point here! People, especially kids, crave what they can’t have. Once you say you can watch as much as you like, the desperate craving disappears, and they’re able to make healthier choices for themselves! Good on you!
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amother
Valerian
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Sun, May 12 2024, 5:37 am
I stopped all screentime cold turkey and my kids are different kids. No more meltdowns, no dysregulation, they acquired amazing play skills, they do much better academically.. so yes I’d say it’s very bad.
I think half of what people think is pandas today is just the brain going crazy from screentime.
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amother
Watermelon
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Sun, May 12 2024, 5:38 am
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Yes its bad there is tons of research how bad the amount of screen time you are describing is bad on the developing brain
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amother
Beige
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Sun, May 12 2024, 5:45 am
I'm completely with you, OP. Just to clarify, we are talking about heavily filtered screens, not TV. Basically Jewish videos or games such as minecraft.
I am an introvert like you and even though I live in a community where this is very frowned upon, I think this was what was best for us.
My kids are mostly grown and they seem to have done alright, so...
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amother
Anemone
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Sun, May 12 2024, 5:48 am
Screen time is horrible for their minds. Where is their imagination. Even at 13 they need to be able to think for themselves. Entertain themselves. Find passion in things. Create hobbies. Find time and enjoyment for and with friends. Create inner happiness. They might end up being the type of parent that’s always on their phones because that’s all they know how to do …
I’d cut it out.
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amother
Leaf
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Sun, May 12 2024, 5:52 am
I get the whole introvert thing. I'm one as well. But introverts can retreat and recharge by reading, doing puzzles... Why does it have to be screen time? I can clearly see which of my children's friends are being entertained by screen time. Some of them (the younger ones) are constantly imitating and playing out what they are watching. The older ones are unable to focus well in school. They have very short attention spans. They don't connect as well with their classmates.
Its as if they are in an alternate reality. I remember feeling that way as a kid. I had screen time over the weekends and felt like a zombie. I was a changed kid and student when my parents got rid of the screens (at my own request btw).
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amother
Foxglove
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Sun, May 12 2024, 5:54 am
If a child watches for one hour a day, they are using all their other skills for the remaining 12/13 hours of the day.
I simply don’t understand how watching a little bit a day can be so harmful. It’s as if all their other activities don’t make a difference.
I think parents love to obsess about what’s good/bad for kids in general.
Just love your kids, provide a safe and warm environment and they’ll be ok. Hashem holds the key to how they turn out. All you need to do is YOUR best, not someone else’s best.
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amother
Leaf
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Sun, May 12 2024, 5:56 am
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And I will add that on chol hamoed I rent a Jewish dvd/Yiddish play on mostly music, just so my kids don't feel completely deprived. They are definitely more whiny and bored after than they were before watching.
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amother
Alyssum
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Sun, May 12 2024, 5:58 am
I am in the camp of unlimited screen time is really detrimental to kids. Especially below the age of 8. I am a preschool teacher and you can tell which kids have more screen time. My dh is also in chinuch and he says the same. I reserve screen time for specific times. My kids learn to love reading, playing on their own, play outside, do puzzles, etc.
I think it is ok if limited to maybe max an hour a day, but the less the better.
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amother
Alyssum
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Sun, May 12 2024, 6:05 am
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I really recommend the book The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt.
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amother
Royalblue
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Sun, May 12 2024, 6:14 am
| amother OP wrote: |
I live in a development with a bunch of families. While some families seem to manage just fine, a lot of mothers are stressed out, juggling a lot and find it hard to not get a break. For example the family next door to me the mother doesn't allow any screentime and she's proud of it. I hear her getting impatient and yelling and screaming at her kids all the time. I feel so bad for them. At the same time I know I shouldn't judge since if I didn't have screentime for my kids I could see myself acting a bit like her . I can't help wondering why she thinks she doing such a great thing by not allowing her kids screentime. Yes I'm definitely more "lazy" then my neighbor but I think my kids are better off for it. In ten years from now, my kids might wonder why I let them have so much screen time but her kids will probably need a lot of therapy.
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Your are the mother of your children and you know what’s best for them.
Did you come hear to feel better about yourself for allowing unlimited screen time?
Regarding the example quoted:
I have a SIL with 3 girls - not close in age. They are very well behaved. She has an open mosh cabinet and the kids eat a ton of candy.
I have another SIL with a ton of kids close together including many wild boys. Her kids rarely eat nosh.
This isn’t a good study to prove that kids with unlimited sugar and food coloring will do better.
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