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Forum
-> Children's Health
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amother
Mayflower
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 Fri, May 24 2024, 6:43 pm
| shachachti wrote: | The medical definition for a molester is a person that is 5 years older than the child he touches.
I was under the impression that the discussion here is a child that is very young and touches children of same age. |
Why are we being nitpicky about the exact term?! Op wants to know what you should do if you have a kid who has been inappropriately touched/ is inappropriately touching others. I don't think you want your kid explored, whether by a peer or a molester.
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shachachti
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Fri, May 24 2024, 6:46 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Is a young child who was molested and molested others allowed to play with neighbors/classmates without the neighbors'/classmates' parents knowing this about them? In others' homes? In his/her home? |
The short answer is that only with supervision.
The shorter answer is no.
I wouldn't allow even with supervision. Period.
I know. I'm kinda crazy. Too bad.
If I know of a child that is known for touching other children then no.
With all due sympathies and heartbreak for that child that was molested and is molesting, I am so very sorry.
I do not want my child in the vicinity of that child.
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amother
Quince
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Fri, May 24 2024, 6:49 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Did you and your siblings ever go for therapy after it was discovered that it's happening? |
I went years and years later as an adult, when I realized it was still impacting me. Comes up now and then again. Caused really harm
One sibling went recently (20 plus years after). One sibling went for tons of therapy, not for this specifically but it was part of the whole ball of wax.
I don't know about my other siblings, not something we discuss at all.
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amother
Cognac
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Fri, May 24 2024, 7:41 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | If a child touches another child s-xually against their will and there's only a slight age gap they're not a molestor? So what are they, then? A baby pedophile? |
It sounds like you are speaking from personal pain and I am so sorry.
I don’t make the rules. I am only stating what I’ve learned over the years dealing with this from many different angles. I don’t recall the exact age gap. But if a 7 yr old touches a 5 yr old, then according to whoever made up the terms and age differences, he/she is not a molester.
There’s a certain common theme in s-xual abuse where when the abuser is much older than the abused and it leaves them feeling helpless, alone, like they can’t let the adult down, and they start questioning their whole world- bc adults are their world. They’re completely dependent on them and they seem huge to the child. So if a strong smart adult is doing this, it must be right, the way I’m feeling must be wrong- it translates into a lot more issues like not trusting adults (even great parents) and never feeling cared for (abandoned) as a result. The attachment issues that follow are lifelong and usually what keeps an adult in therapy.
If the abusing child is not that much older than the abused child, while still terrible, it doesn’t mess up their entire world view the same way. They don’t experience the same level of non-safety from the whole world in general.
It’s very common to be touched or cajoled to expose yourself as a child by a contemporary. It’s not ideal to say the least but it’s repairable.
( this was all to explain, not to condone. All precautions must be taken as a parent of a child who you suspect is being abused by anyone.)
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amother
Wallflower
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Fri, May 24 2024, 7:45 pm
| amother Cognac wrote: | It sounds like you are speaking from personal pain and I am so sorry.
I don’t make the rules. I am only stating what I’ve learned over the years dealing with this from many different angles. I don’t recall the exact age gap. But if a 7 yr old touches a 5 yr old, then according to whoever made up the terms and age differences, he/she is not a molester.
There’s a certain common theme in s-xual abuse where when the abuser is much older than the abused and it leaves them feeling helpless, alone, like they can’t let the adult down, and they start questioning their whole world- bc adults are their world. They’re completely dependent on them and they seem huge to the child. So if a strong smart adult is doing this, it must be right, the way I’m feeling must be wrong- it translates into a lot more issues like not trusting adults (even great parents) and never feeling cared for (abandoned) as a result. The attachment issues that follow are lifelong and usually what keeps an adult in therapy.
If the abusing child is not that much older than the abused child, while still terrible, it doesn’t mess up their entire world view the same way. They don’t experience the same level of non-safety from the whole world in general.
It’s very common to be touched or cajoled to expose yourself as a child by a contemporary. It’s not ideal to say the least but it’s repairable.
( this was all to explain, not to condone. All precautions must be taken as a parent of a child who you suspect is being abused by anyone.) |
Common doesn’t make something ok. If it’s common we must wake up and do much more to prevent it. And molestation is about the force. It’s not just about age. If the kid is bigger, taller, more powerful, a bully etc.. it would all be molestation. Unless both kids want to explore equally the one being molested will be damaged. We know this from adults that were the 5 year old when the 7 year old molested them. If it was no big deal they wouldn’t be broken adults with serious issues. It doesn’t help us at all to keep downplaying the severity. Let’s do better and call it what it is and teach our kids safety.
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amother
Mint
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Sat, May 25 2024, 10:08 pm
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The parents need to be made aware of it and get help for the child who is molesting others. Until the child gets help, the child can’t be with other children especially not unsupervised.
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amother
OP
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Sat, May 25 2024, 10:27 pm
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My child was inappropriately touched by a neighbor. This neighbor might be getting help, but he/she was definitely seen playing indoors with other kids.
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amother
Lavender
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Sat, May 25 2024, 10:43 pm
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Did you let the parents know?
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amother
Lavender
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Sat, May 25 2024, 11:26 pm
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amother
Coral
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Sat, May 25 2024, 11:27 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | If a child touches another child s-xually against their will and there's only a slight age gap they're not a molestor? So what are they, then? A baby pedophile? |
COCSA is not pedophilia, because the child who does it is also a child.
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amother
OP
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Sat, May 25 2024, 11:28 pm
It was a few weeks ago. They were going to take the child for help.
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amother
OP
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Sat, May 25 2024, 11:38 pm
| amother Coral wrote: | | COCSA is not pedophilia, because the child who does it is also a child. |
Whatever the proper name is, trust me. You don't want your child next to this s-xual bully. I'm going for help myself (in addition to my child going for help) because whenever I see this child I want to literally chop their fingertips off. It is infuriating to see him/her playing with other kids when my child might have lifelong issues from this.
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amother
Lavender
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Sat, May 25 2024, 11:57 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Whatever the proper name is, trust me. You don't want your child next to this s-xual bully. I'm going for help myself (in addition to my child going for help) because whenever I see this child I want to literally chop their fingertips off. It is infuriating to see him/her playing with other kids when my child might have lifelong issues from this. |
I can't begin to imagine what you must be feeling like. Hopefully the child gets the help they need because they must be in pain too. Wishing you and your child complete healing.
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amother
Quince
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Sun, May 26 2024, 4:59 am
You are taking care of it now and that is huge
The biggest part of the trauma is not feeling safe and secure, and you are being there safe and secure for your child and giving the support to process it all
With Hashem help, your child will heal
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amother
Mocha
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Sun, May 26 2024, 9:18 am
| amother OP wrote: | | It was a few weeks ago. They were going to take the child for help. |
Tell these neighbors that they have one week from today to get their child the proper help, or you will go to CPS with the story, because you cannot allow your child or others to fall prey to theirs.
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shachachti
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Sun, May 26 2024, 9:29 am
| amother OP wrote: | | It was a few weeks ago. They were going to take the child for help. |
And? Did they?
If they were pareve about it then chances are they think it was a one time thing and it went away.
I wouldn't allow my child near their child unless I see the parents hysterical and really serious about taking care of it.
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amother
Wallflower
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Sun, May 26 2024, 9:33 am
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If they continue to put others in harms way you really have to report it.
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amother
Lavender
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Sun, May 26 2024, 12:05 pm
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Maybe ask a shaalah, if you are supposed to inform other parents. Are they supervising their child?
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amother
OP
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Sun, May 26 2024, 6:39 pm
| amother Lavender wrote: | | Maybe ask a shaalah, if you are supposed to inform other parents. Are they supervising their child? |
I was thinking that I should do this.
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