FUMING! Flakey College Students...

aidelmaidel

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 2:05 pm

We frequently have guests who come to us from the local BT yeshiva, they come to learn for "yeshivacation" ie when they are off of college they come to learn in yeshiva.

We had a young woman a year or two ago who stayed with us for a week. Very nice, she "friended" me on Facebook.

At 12:45am last night I was awoken to the sound of a text on my phone. Thinking it was an emergency (a good friend is expecting any minute), I opened my phone to find a text from this young woman, asking if she could sleep at our house on Tuesday night. I texted back saying yes and I went to sleep kind of upset that I was disturbed for something that could have waited until the morning. I woke up this morning and I see that she texted back again at 1am asking if she could stay Monday also. I said yes again (at 8am). (She lives OOT, I'm assuming she needed a place while waiting to fly in/out of the airport)

Then a few minutes ago, I get a text from her saying, "Thanks for all your help, I found a place to stay for Monday and Tuesday night." It wasn't clear to me if she had sent this just to me or to a bunch of people so I replied asking if she was staying with us or if elsewhere, that it wasn't clear to me. She replied back, "SOrry I found another place."

I'm very upset! She woke me, I said yes to her and then she decides someplace else is better? I sent her back a message that this was irresponsible of her and doesn't leave a good impression.

Am I wrong to feel this way???? I'm certainly NOT going to say yes to her again. But am I wrong to feel upset about this?

mummiedearest

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 2:13 pm

the thing about texts is that you can treat them like email. you can send them at crazy hours, and you can ignore them until you can answer them. it's not really her fault you bothered to answer at that time. that's an invitation to respond, apparently. if she had known she was waking you, I'm sure she wouldn't have texted at that hour. when I send email at midnight, I dont' expect anyone to answer right away, even if they access email on their phones.

why not text her asking her to be aware of the time when texting you as she woke you up. if she ignores your request, you have reason to be annoyed.

Fox

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 2:16 pm

I wouldn't say that you're wrong, exactly. But I'd probably put some more controls in place to avoid future aggravation.

1. In my experience, people assume that a text is less intrusive than a call. Therefore, they assume that if they text you at 1 a.m., you won't read the text until you're available to do so. It's the equivalent of email -- just because I email you when I'm awake doesn't mean that I expect you to get out of bed to respond. Turn off the text notification tone at night, and tell your expecting friend to call rather than text you.

2. Young people are often socially clueless, and young BTs are completely unaware of the social customs and niceties of frum life. Remember, the vast majority of people never entertain or host anyone other than family members for an occasional holiday or celebration. Do a little educating: The next time someone asks for Shabbos hospitality, say the following, "We'd be delighted to host you, Gertrude, but I do have a request. I'm putting you down for the Friday night and Shabbos day meals and for a bed on Friday night and Motzoi Shabbos. Is that correct? It takes a lot of effort to get the meals and house ready, so please let me know by Thursday afternoon if your plans change. Otherwise I'll plan to see you on Friday afternoon anytime after 2 p.m."

Ninety percent of your guests will happily accept this kind of low-key instruction, and the remaining ten percent are too socially inept to benefit from anything you might do.

aidelmaidel

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 2:22 pm

Fox wrote:

I agree, actually that this girl seems to be somewhat socially inept. (and not just because of this)

Fox

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 2:33 pm

aidelmaidel wrote:

I agree, actually that this girl seems to be somewhat socially inept. (and not just because of this)

You'll probably have to be pretty explicit about what to expect, then:

"Mabel, we enjoy having you, but we have some rules. First, you must tell us specifically what meals and sleeping arrangements for which nights you need. Second, we expect you to stick to that plan unless there is an extreme emergency."

If she can't do this, you're definitely within your rights to decline having her. Although I don't host young BTs as much as I did when my kids were small, there were some for whom "flaky" would have been the kindest adjective. I tried to accommodate these people when possible, but I didn't push myself like I might have for other guests. Interestingly, they were usually fine with whatever laissez-faire hospitality I felt up to extending and weren't offended when I begged off.

I guess the flip side of being socially inept is that you're not offended too easily, either! LOL

MiracleMama

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 2:33 pm

Most people I think don't sleep with their phone right by their bedside. I know we don't and so a text at 1 AM wouldn't be a bother. She had no way to know it would bother you. I'd give her benefit of doubt.

Also, unless I misunderstood, she cancelled on you right away in the morning? The morning after texting you? If so, you did not go to any effort to accommodate her already. No food prep or setting up a room, etc.

Seems like the only issue was the late night text and like I said, I think for most people they would not even know they got a text until they looked at their phones in the morning. So I'd say you over reacted. But then again if my sleep was disturbed that might have been my initial reaction too.

SplitPea

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 3:02 pm

a little off topic but I disagree with all the people that say sending a text very late at night is the same as e-mail.

People send me a text during the day with things like "are you busy wanna go to the mall" or "can you babysit this afternoon" if I had my text ringer so low it would not wake me up at night I would not hear these texts during the day! so my text ringer is pretty loud.

People expect you to get a text right away and text you like you will but I don't carry my phone with me everywhere around the house its on the table etc and WHY should I need to turn my texting ringer off at night? then I might forget to turn it on in the morning...

I think people need to only text when they kno it would be okay to call.. I think the girl was really rude and I might have been bad and said no just because of that LOL

718

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 3:45 pm

I dont think text is the same as a phone call.
I wouldnt text someone at crazy hours but the good thing about text is that I dont have to worry if shes busy or not. I can send the text and when she gets a chance- will respond.
I dont like when people call me. I like to get texts and be able to respond when its good for me, or after I think about it, or whatever...

Text at midnight is deff rude. I wouldnt have responded.
I dont think she expected you to respond at midnight.

busydev

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 4:10 pm

alot of ppl are under the impression that cell phones have a diff rules then house phones- meaning when you go to sleep you turn it off or at least the sound off. they can therefore call till whenever and for sure text.

I am not a light sleeper so I dont turn off my phone (which serves as my cell and house phone) at night. I do often get texts at night- but neither I nor dh wake up from it. Sometimes I get texts after we are in bed but not yet asleep- I usually check it but dont respond until im available to respond for a while (unless its urgent or one quick thing)

but I def go along with the texting is for when its conveinent theory and if its urgent I would call not text. not that you are at fault- but when you responded yes the first time then it kinda made it seem like you were up- and she obviously doesnt realize how late it really is. When I was single I almost never went to bed before 1:30. since I got married (even without kids) after 12 is considered very late. 11 is normal bedtime. If you had told me I would switch like that when I was dating I would have thought you were nuts.

MommyZ

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 5:00 pm

We have college students over for meals frequently, especially during the school year when college is in session. We have our regulars, our one timers and people who come every so often. Someone who had never come before asked on Thursday if they could come for a meal and then I believe on Friday morning told dh they only eat vegetarian. I went out of my way to make extra food and they cancelled right before Shabbos. Was I upset about it? Yes, but we still continue to have college students over for meals. That doesn't usually happen, BH. I figure that I get additional zechuyos along with the agmas nefesh.

aidelmaidel

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 10:02 pm

MommyZ wrote:

We have an open house also with many guests, but sometimes, they just push my buttons.

MommyZ

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 10:45 pm

aidelmaidel wrote:

MommyZ wrote:

We have an open house also with many guests, but sometimes, they just push my buttons.

That definitely happens to me as well sometimes. I have a guest who will invite himself over for both meals then ask me if I can make shalosh seudos for him as well. What can I do? I have trouble saying no.

aidelmaidel

Thu, Jun 23 2011, 11:01 pm

MommyZ wrote:

aidelmaidel wrote:

MommyZ wrote:

We have an open house also with many guests, but sometimes, they just push my buttons.

Also my DH is relatively anti-social and puts up with having guests because he knows I enjoy it. So when I ask if we can have sleep over guests, it is with meSERIOUS nefesh on his part.

notshanarishona

Fri, Jun 24 2011, 4:51 am

I disagree that texting is the same thing as email. Email most people turn off there computer when they go to sleep. Most people who I know keep there phone on at night and even a short noise from a text will make them up. if I have to reach someone I would email and if they dont respond, assume they are sleeping.