WWYD? Couple makes us uncomfortable....

amother

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 7:29 pm

A new couple moved to our neighborhood recently and have been going out of their way, in a huge huge way, to befriend us. They're constantly inviting us for Shabbos meals, bbqs, getting together at night etc.. They make my dh and myself extremely uncomfortable. They talk about s*x openly shock

make references to the way they "party" and are in general way very stalkerish in their behavior with us. They also get very personal about our life and make extremely inappropriate comments. We got together with them once and I refuse to go back again. My dh tries to avoid his texts and phone calls but then he got comments from him asking why he's being ignored. We just turned down and invite and now they invitedus again. What do we do?? My dh is scared of Insulting them, as am I but I have no strength nor any desire whatsoever to continue this relationship. Neither does he but he's nervous that we're coming across rude, standoffish, and snobby. They live near us and it's not a huge community, these are people we will see forever. Help!!

Mimisinger

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:10 pm

I think in this situation its ok to seem standoffish and snobby. If they don't get the hint from repeatedly turning down things, then either say something or don't.

But def. do not sometimes go or sometimes talk or text because it gives them mixed messages.

They boundaries seem a bit messed up, but you and your dh seem to be giving them mixed messages because you're scared of how they'll think you'll be. If they're talking about the things you say they are, why do you care what they think?

amother

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:14 pm

emesornt wrote:

o gosh, idk. would it be possible to explain to them what makes u feel uncomfortable with the relationship? like, can u talk to them? they're obviously very open people, so maybe they'll understand...

I would if it would be possible but I don't think they'll take it the right way.. I'm afraid well come across very holier than thou...

simchat

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:16 pm

I would try to keep out of their way. I wouldn`t necessarily be unfriendly - maybe answer calls, smile and say hello in the street, but not have them round or go hang out with them. Allow the `friendship` to sort of drift apart and hopefully, they`ll soon forget you and move on to another couple (hopefully more their type!).

When I was first married, we used to go eat at a friend of DH`s and they frequently had this other guy over who spoke in a very lewd and perverted way (think telling another guest, also newly married, `whenever I see you, I undress you with my eyes` (in front of her new DH!), among other, worse things...). After that meal, I refused to go to any of dh`s friends if that guy was there. It got to a point where DH`S circle of friends all knew I refused to be around this guy, but I didn`t care, and they were usually very accomodating and didn`t invite us together again.

Besides for making ME uncomfortable, I would never want my kids around such a guy, which is what inevitably happens if you get friendly. Just another thing to think about... Would I want my (future?) kids being around this couple/playing with their kids? etc. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Raizle

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:19 pm

I don't think the mitzva of love your fellow Jew includes allowing your sense of modesty and privacy be compromised.

I think if the potential friendship is a damaging one for you then there is nothing wrong with turning it down.

What you must do is make sure you are in all other ways decent to them. So bumping into her at a function you nod and say hello.
Just don't be rude, but in this case I don't think it's rude to turn down their invitations.

medola

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:19 pm

Sticky situation... I guess you can either take the non-confrontational approach or the confrontational approach. Non confrontational being maybe just having to keep making excuses (you can even lie for shalom bais), not picking up the phone. You can say you have a cold or other illness and don't want to pass it to them. If you've made a date, you can cancel it by telling them you suddenly have a family emergency. Or you can say you're swamped with work, or just booked at that time. You can say you're so busy you don't even have time for friends. But those will only just buy you some time, it seems, considering how persistent they are. So for the confrontational approach, you might have to tell her/him/both that you are uncomfortable when they bring up s-x with you, that you're just more "prudish" or were raised in a family/culture/community that instilled very private values in you in this regard.

Just some thoughts. Hope something I said will help!

Good luck!

Last edited by medola on Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:26 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:21 pm

Mimisinger wrote:

So I agree with you and old my dh to just refuse invites by giving excuses. They have not however gotten the messages and we don't even know how to go about explaining that this isn't a relationship that we want.

We've actually only gotten together wth them once and have been avoiding them since. However they live right near and us and just come by, as far as texting and being in touch were keeping things at an acquaintance level.

Their boundaries are messed up in a huge way and I know that we may have given messages when we originally got together with them because we were definitely taken aback and weren't sure how to react. But after that we totally drew boundaries and now they're just not getting them. I know they're desperate for friends and they kinda latched onto us because there aren't that many couples here that they would be friends with. If things were different with them we probably could be great friends but there's no way we can be with them they way they are...

amother

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 8:30 pm

Thank you all! Everything you've all said makes sense and you're echoing exactly what I told my dh.we have to be friendly, polite and nice but thats where it needs to end. He's just way more non confrontational than I am Very Happy

And he's having a very hard time saying no.

About kids- you're so right and yes they are newly married but are both older singles. They are definitely inappropriate around my kids as well, I couldn't believe the things they felt comfortable saying in front of my children!

So as far as making faces or raising eyebrows at comments, the first few times we laughed nervously and politely and we just felt caught in the middle so we responded (yes were both embarrassed at how we were drawn into it) but after a while we just were making faces and they just did not get it... I do realize we may have given them the message that the conversations were ok with us but we kinda made them realize afterwards that we weren't so ok with it

amother

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 10:38 pm

There's a woman in my community who has some issues. Some time ago, she called, and said that my DH had invited her to a Shabbos lunch before we were married (he used to host large singles lunches once in a while). She talked like she was a family friend. Some time later, I found out that DH barely knew her, but by then, she was calling here 2 times a week and had stayed with us several times. I found out later that she had converted conservative, had expressed an interest in converting Orthodox but had not done what the rav said, so technically wasn't Jewish. She thought nothing of asking us to put ourselves out by hosting her when we had a houseful of guests and a sick child, but only kept the things that were of interest to her. She has been in limbo for over 10 years.

As I found out more of her story, I lost more and more patience. I don't have time to listen/talk to her several times a week -- I get nothing out of the exchange except more misery.

Although I haven't spoken to her on the phone in over a year, she still calls me at least once or twice a week and leaves messages. I realized that I'm not comfortable telling her to go away (I'd have to really be rude about it because when I've told her that I don't have time to talk on the phone, she hasn't stopped calling), so I just continue to ignore her.

I feel a bit bad, but not as bad as I felt before, when she was taking away my time, patience, and energy from those who could actually benefit from it.

Since your situation sounds a little similar, in that they call and text all the time, maybe you'd want to let them know that you don't have much time to talk or get together. If they take offense, it's probably better than if they continue to drive you nuts and embarrass you with their inappropriate talk.

Raizle

Fri, Sep 09 2011, 2:22 am

amother wrote:

I totally get you, I'm the same. As in I often laugh when people say inappropriate things because I'm caught by surprise and don't know how to be upfront enough to let the person know they are making me uncomfortable.
it's probably something we should both work on

Dolly Welsh

Fri, Sep 09 2011, 3:16 am

Get caller ID. Ignore that women, in the green ink.

Be vaguely civil to the Stalker Couple but do not accept their invitations. Simply do not socialize with them. You absolutely do not have to be buddies with everybody in the community, just street civil.

They may never undestand, but who cares. If they could understand things, there would not be a problem in the first place!

Avos says, distance yourself from a bad neighbor. Avos means it.

BeershevaBubby

Fri, Sep 09 2011, 3:47 am

I don't understand why you CAN'T BE HONEST WITH THEM.

Next time they call to invite you over, simply tell them that you just don't feel comfortable around them. Their frank and open discussions about s@x, their intrusive questions about your life and their constant calling you simply make you uncomfortable.

zaq

Fri, Sep 09 2011, 9:42 am

What Yesha said. It's not "confrontation', which implies hostility; it's honesty. "We don't mean to offend you, but our social styles don't mesh well. You're very open and like to share personal information; we don't. You like to talk about secks in mixed company and we don't. You ask highly personal questions and we find that intrusive. we're also feeling overwhelmed by the frequency of your invitations and calls. It's not that we don't think you're nice people, it's just that we're so intensely uncomfortable that we have to sever the connection. "

Chavelamomela

Fri, Sep 09 2011, 10:02 am

I completely agree with Yesha. She's spot-on.

I would also use the children as a trump-card.

"I'm sorry, but the intimate nature of the conversations that has happened, especially in front our children, is beyond our comfort level. We were shy and felt awkward saying so at the time, but this is not something we can continue. Thank you for understanding. shana tova."

zaq

Fri, Sep 09 2011, 10:20 am

I totally missed the post in which you said you had kids. No question, you must sever the connection yesterday. You can skip everything else and just say flat out that their conversation and lifestyle are inappropriate for your children to witness, end of story.

chavelamomela, I like the "thank you for understanding".

thankyou

Fri, Sep 09 2011, 10:36 am

My first thought was what yesha,zaq etc said. Then I thought about it more realistically and well - I dont think it would work. They dont sound (though maybe Im wrong) like the type of people who would understand.
I usually like to be honest with people the way described above. But Ive found that this only works with certain types of people. With the rest- it gets the opposite effect. Instead of making them understand it might hurt them even more than ignoring them and letting the friendship drift away with time. Some people react to honesty in a very defensive way.
If I were you, I would sit and think . If there's any chance that they would react to honesty in an understanding way- I would go with that. Like described above. If not- then Ill stop teh friendship in other ways.