WWYD? Couple makes us uncomfortable....

zaq

Fri, Sep 09 2011, 10:44 am

IME pushy people don't "get" subtlety. As many times as you try to evade questions, invitations and so on, they don't get the message and they don't let the relationship die of natural causes. Those people you have to be blunt with.

amother

Fri, Sep 09 2011, 11:17 am

YESHASettler wrote:

I don't understand why you CAN'T BE HONEST WITH THEM.

Next time they call to invite you over, simply tell them that you just don't feel comfortable around them. Their frank and open discussions about s@x, their intrusive questions about your life and their constant calling you simply make you uncomfortable.

I think doing this can be hurtfull and is not the way to go, I realize that we are now all mature adults, but imagine if these were all kids in school, I don't think anyone should have to get told that people don't want to be with them. Saying that you are uncomfortable with those conversations around the kids and then not having time to get together with them when the kids are not around should be fine, no? If they were willing to restrain themselves and not talk that way in your presence then perhaps that would be acceptable.

BeershevaBubby

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 12:45 pm

amother wrote:

YESHASettler wrote:

Except you're not all in school and therefore imagining the scenario is irrelevant.

tsiggelle

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 6:51 pm

I agree with yesha and those in 'her camp'.

by the way, why is it difficult for them to find friends in your comunity? is it for the same reason?

and another btw, doors have an option of being opened or not.

Yocheved84

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 7:41 pm

This might sound silly, but it's worked for me. Cover your ears jokingly next time they say something and loudly--NOT yelling, just slightly elevated voice than normal--say "TMI! TMI! Ewww! I don't wanna hear about that!" So what if you come off as prudish? You may need to come down to their level to convey the message. Now, if they don't get it, say "Really, TMI, I don't like to talk about s-x. It's just one of those things." They could be a young, immature couple. Perhaps you doing this will help them to get the hint.

And if not, keep saying you're busy whenever they ask. And if they keep asking, it's obvious that these people are clueless in EVERY sense of the word...that their behavior is inappropriate, that their friendship isn't wanted, etc. But hey--they could be nice people. Give it a try. ***It's not always about being righteous, but getting what you want, hence my suggested strategy.***

amother

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 7:53 pm

I don't want to make you panic, but they sound like what was referred to in the 70s as swingers...(they want another couple to share their "adventures" what tips me off on this is the fact they not only are showing off about their zex life but want to know aboutyours and are stalking you....don't assume this is innocent. Push them away with both hands.

Yocheved84

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 8:00 pm

amother wrote:

You know, I was thinking the same thing but didn't want to go there at first. I think OP should give them one last try. But I immediately got that impression. But then I also got the impression of a very immature, boundary-less couple (the ones that would laugh at poop jokes at age 23)....

amother

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 10:00 pm

OP, you have every right to stay far, far away from this couple. Your original post made me sick!!! They sound immature, immodest, and brainless at best, and like swingers at worst. You have several options. You can be completely honest with them and tell them their words and behavior bothered you/was inappropriate. This is a great option if you are courageous, and it will let them get the message - AND maybe it will help them do teshuva. Another option is what that other poster suggested, to simply say, "sorry, we don't do mixed socializing anymore." This will spare you from the discomfort of having to tell them why they bother you, but will hopefully get them off your case (IDK if it will stop the husband from texting your husband though). The third option (if you are a non-confrontational weenie, like me, lol) is to just keep ignoring their calls and overtures and hope they just go away. Truthfully, it might be worth talking to a rav or mashpia about, because it is Elul after all, and they may very well spiritually benefit from you telling the truth to them. Hatzlocho, OP, and keep us posted!

smile85

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 10:13 pm

It's interesting because I usually agree with YESHA, but for some reason in this case, the way the OP describes these people, they seem like they won't be receptive to a mature, honest even mini-confrontation.

I'm generally very straight up with people, and I don't like to ignore people. but in this case, I feel it's her only option.

if she does get together with them again, I'd jokingly respond, "I save conversations like these for my big sister" or something like that - telling them in a joking way that it isn't okay to discuss these things.

ROFL

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 10:19 pm

Please tell them the truth (like yesha said)
I have seen people who could not take hints and they kept trying to be friends with others and just kept believing the excuses and did not stop trying to be friends. I saw them not understanding and othr people making fun of them. I think it would be better to be honset. They will be hurt but once they hear they may be able to change.

de_goldy

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 10:32 pm

amother wrote:

I have to agree with you.
Unfortunately, and as horrific as it sounds, I am aware of this type of behavior going on in the community where I live.
In fact a friend of mine was invited to a Friday night dinner of young couples and when her and her husband arrived they realized it was going to be a swinging party and they of course left.
I have no idea how prevalent it is ( and I hope not very) but it has recently come to light and the whole neighborhood is reeling from the news of these "parties".

I would stay far away from this couple, if I were you. It is always better to err on the side of caution.

buzz

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 11:16 pm

I immediately thought swingers as well..I would state quite firmly regardless of the outcome that the conversation was very inappropriate and both Dh and I felt uncomfortable so it's best if we don't mix again.

But that's me, I like to be upfront with people and honest but in this case I would say brutally honest.

amother

Sat, Sep 10 2011, 11:59 pm

Quote:

In fact a friend of mine was invited to a Friday night dinner of young couples and when her and her husband arrived they realized it was going to be a swinging party and they of course left.

de_goldy, How did they realize that it was going to be that type of party???? shock

Monsey Mama

Sun, Sep 11 2011, 12:04 am

I would just ignore them . They will go away if they get no response. I have told people that their behavior was not appropriate and why. I am get ignored. It is not worth the time sometimes to try to set boundaries. This couple sounds like they are not worth the effort.

hadasa

Sun, Sep 11 2011, 2:49 am

Personally, I would go nuts having to invent excuses all the time. Maybe give them one more chance by saying, "Yes, we'd love to get together with you, but to be honest, we feel uncomfortable with open discussions of intimacy. Would you mind if we try to stick to other topics?" They might get insulted or defensive, but at least you'll know you gave them a chance.

ally

Sun, Sep 11 2011, 3:02 am

YESHASettler wrote:

I highly doubt they're swingers. Just a couple who have no idea they're crossing a line. And since the OP isn't TELLING them, they continue and even try harder.

I agree with all your posts in this thread. Honestly, I have friends who talk openly about s-x. They are not swinging. I am also able to choose not to participate in these conversations.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Sep 11 2011, 3:02 am

Imagine that you are a single girl, and this couple is a guy who you've decided is not for you. After the first date he keeps calling, texting, emailing, dropping by - wouldn't you be freaked out? What would you do then?

The best thing you can do for people is to tell them the truth. They might not like to hear it at first, but in the long run it can only do them good. You may think that you're hurting their feelings, but you're actually doing them a favor. Be kind, but be FIRM and clear - and then stick to it. What they do with that information is afterward is their problem, not yours.

DrMom

Sun, Sep 11 2011, 4:16 am

Swinging in the frum community? shock

Pardon my naïveté, but how commonplace is this???

Signed,
Clueless BT who led a very innocent pre-frum life, despite what others may assume about non-frum folks