Need a motto for dealing with DD's tznius

amother

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 3:52 am

I really like Black Sheep's mottos on how she's dealing with her teen, and it reminds me that I need to keep searching for a motto for how to deal with a DD who doesn't dress appropriately (not to most anybody's standards). I convinced my DH to chill about her by telling him, "She's just dressing like a secretary." He completely ignores her dress now, and they are back to having a pleasant relationship. However, I've noticed that she's deteriorated from dressing like a secretary to dressing like she's on a music video. I try not to comment on her clothes, but often slip up (she ignores me, while I beat myself up for saying anything). I think it would really help if I had a motto. Any ideas?

DrMom

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 4:12 am

A *motto*? How is this supposed to help?

Is the end goal to get your DH to stop being concerned about her manner of dress, or to convince your DD to want to dress more tzniusly?

PinkFridge

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 8:37 am

I think OP's looking for some sort of affirmation that will help her keep perspective.

How is your daughter doing otherwise? Is she doing ok in school? Have some meaningful or enjoyable (or both) extracurriculars? Etc. If I knew my daughter was really on track and developing well inside, my motto might be gam zeh yaavor, and I'd try to remember to thank Hashem for all the good when I say Modim.

imasinger

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 8:42 am

"Don't judge a book by its cover?"

Fine to have a motto to bite your tongue, but only as long as she is happy and secure in other ways.

Do you think she is trying to fit in, say, in a public school, and not be teased, or do you think she is expressing some rebellion and/or angst?

If it is the latter, will she agree to see a school counselor or therapist?

PinkFridge

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 8:49 am

imasinger wrote:

Good points. I was just thinking about this. Is this change something everyone's experiencing, is she clearly rebelling, testing boundaries safely or not? There are lots of other angles.
If DD is so clearly different from what you would have expected (and I hope your expectations were somewhat flexible) then I hope you have some IRL support too.

amother

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 8:50 am

DrMom wrote:

A *motto*? How is this supposed to help?

Is the end goal to get your DH to stop being concerned about her manner of dress, or to convince your DD to want to dress more tzniusly?

A motto for me to tell myself so that I stay positive. I don't think there is anything I can do or say that will get her to change the way she's dressing.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 8:52 am

amother wrote:

How do secretaries dress? I didnt know there was one way a secretary dresses. Seriously, not asking bashing, really trying to get what you meant here.

As for a motto? I think your last post said it best "stay positive. I don't think there is anything I can do or say that will get her to change the way she's dressing". That can be your motto.

amother

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 8:59 am

imasinger wrote:

I totally don't understand her enough to have any idea why she's choosing this mode of dress. Sad

She probably doesn't even know why.

amother

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 9:03 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

My DH works at an office in Tel Aviv. Maybe that explains it for you? It did for my DH. Not judging, just putting her dress style 'in a box', because DH needs things in a box so he kept boxing her dress as 'slutty' which was of course totally unacceptable and not conducive to father-daughter bonding.

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 9:07 am

amother wrote:

Still does not make sense to me, and my husband also works in a company in tel aviv. The women in his office have a dress code (one woman was told to go home and change because of how she was dressed).

But please, just tell your husband not to generalize. Not all secretaries dress in a slutty way, not at all.

amother

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 9:32 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

DH doesn't think of secretaries as slutty, because if he did, then that box would've still upset him. Secretaries do tend to dress to impress, and DH wasn't used to his DD dressing in that style. Now, however, DD's entering into a whole different realm, one which would get her sent home, if you know what I mean. Sad

doublemama

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 10:17 am

I always tell my DD the 6 B's.....Your Boobs, Belly , and Bottoms are for the Bedroom, and the Bathroom when you are By yourself. By bottoms we mean to the knee. It gives her a chance to be herself but know what will be tolerated dress wise and what will not.

She still tries to rebel against the 6 B's but then I just tell her "cover your B's!!!" And she does.

Corny I know ...but it works for us

DrMom

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 10:23 am

amother wrote:

Strange stereotype. I guess our department secretary never got that memo. She is a great secretary, though.

causemommysaid

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 10:24 am

doublemama wrote:

funny.

amother

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 11:10 am

sequoia wrote:

How old is she? Does she buy her clothes with her own money?

She's the only one in our family who gets paid to do chores, because I can't bear to go shopping with her. So she earns her money and can spend it however she wants. She's turning 18 soon.

amother

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 11:11 am

doublemama wrote:

I wish I had this catchy rule. I may still use this on my younger ones. Thanks!

amother

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 11:16 am

amother wrote:

She's the only one in our family who gets paid to do chores, because I can't bear to go shopping with her. So she earns her money and can spend it however she wants. She's turning 18 soon.

Just to let you know I'm in the same boat with the same age DD. I try to think of her good qualities and remember that there is nothing I can do about it.

Zehava

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 11:18 am

amother wrote:

She's the only one in our family who gets paid to do chores, because I can't bear to go shopping with her. So she earns her money and can spend it however she wants. She's turning 18 soon.

When I was that age, my mom freaked out if I wore light-colored shoes. I usually don't say this but It doesn't seem like you really know what you're doing here. You don't know your daughter. You can't bear to go shopping with her. You think you can't have a say at all about how she dresses. Get to know her, that's the first step. Talk to her. Do something fun with her. And yes, since she's living in your house, and you're paying her for chores, you have the right to demand a certain basic dress code. Calm and firm. Not nitty, gritty, but the 6 b's sounds about right. Doesn't have to be Til the knee but at least her bottom should be covered.

black sheep

Thu, Nov 06 2014, 11:26 am

I just want to point out that I am not ignoring any bad behaviors with my teen. I am only choosing to ignore the chutzpah and the moodiness, which are a natural part of the teenage years. I am still providing guidance and authority to him, without getting dragged into the teenage drama. I am not sure how I would handle an older teen daughter who dresses provocatively, but I know I would not just ignore it. on the other hand, if she is already 18, the time to do something about it might long have passed.

if you are just looking for a way to stay positive, remind yourself not to take it personally. I teach high school, and that always works for me. just say to yourself "don't take it personally."

actually, that woks in a lot of situations, but it is especially helpful with rebellious teenagers who seem to just want to anger you, when all they are really doing is trying to figure themselves out.